Severe anxiety after drinking too much

[worriedprsn]

Hi,

Last week I went out with friends and got so drunk I couldn't remember anything.  I somewhat remember a friend saying we're leaving the bar, and I guess I walked to my house alone (thanks friends).  I don't remember anything after, all I know is that once I realized where I was, it was 2 hours later I has walked in the opposite direction of my house in the middle of nowhere.  I remember the walk home after that and fell asleep.

I am very scared that I did something really bad.  During the night I had texted a good friend of mine that I was with another "friend", but by that time we had left the bar and I should've been on my own.  I'm a male but there are a lot of gay people around in the city, especially at that time in the night who knows what could've happened to me in that state.  I have no pain or anything, but by the time I was aware of anything I was in the middle of nowhere (maybe Im just watching too many movies like the hangover).  Also what if I did something illegal or immoral to someone else?  I don't know how I would react to these potential actions.  A good thing shows that I was texting and calling numerous people throughout the blackout period, so that might have kept me busy while I was walking.

My gut is telling me that I remember going home, got home fine, and am not in pain so nothing probably happened.  I was just walking aimlessly and eventually got home.  However, I am terrified that something may have happened, I am getting an STD test in a month to make sure I'm OK.  I have been very troubled by all of this and it is all I can think about.

Is it just my imagination that is driving me crazy, or do I have reason for concern?

[worriedprsn]

This will never end.  Some days I am fine then others I obsess over this

I cant believe I got that drunk when I normally know better.  Worst decision of my life.  I still have irregular sleeping patterns and think about this everyday

[worriedprsn]

The difference is, you ended up back at the hotel room and you were with friends to protect you.  

-  I was alone in a popular nightlife area with tons of drunk people
-  remember barely being able to walk while at the bar
-  my arm was around someone and pretty sure I was being fully supported by them (im over 200lbs so it had to be somebody relatively strong)
-  snapped out of it in the opposite direction of my house while walking, close to the gay area of the city

I was too drunk to think about checking my clothes and anal area.  

As soon as the possibility got in my head 2 days later, I noticed rectum irritation/soreness right away.  Although I strongly believe it is itchiness from loose bowels movements for days after that night.

In my head, I was stumbling around the street, some predator noticed and carried me to his place, raped me and threw me out, and when I was forced to walk on my own I regained consciousness at about 3:45am.

I am trying very hard to just put this behind me.  Its been 2 months now and I still waste so much of my day on this.

[Derek1717]

hey there i read your blog about your experience for you blacked outI too was in a similar situation when I was in Europe I almost completely blacked out and don't remember how I got back to the hotel room. I absolutely convinced myself I hurt somebody. I plagued myself with these thoughts for months. I would get sick to my stomach and keep imagining scenarios. I also thought what if I got hiv. I started feeling physically ill and every pain I got I thought it was from that night. However I was finally told by a friend 6 months later that he walked me right home from the bar and told me when I bumped into him again. So basically my brain made up a whole scenario including physical symptoms. Its amazing how powerful the brain is. I have been dealing with this type of obsession and anxiety for years. Recently I have started feeling anxious out of no where. I've been getting physical symptoms of nausea and heart palpitations.  I have seen my dr. And even went to the point of having a 24 holter monitor on.... so I know what your go going through. I go through similar issues every so often.
They are absolutely horrible and can seriously interfere with ones life...

[JGF25]

Responded on OCD forum

[worriedprsn]

Absence of antibodies to HIV-1 and HIV-2, absence of HIV-1 antigen.

Negative.

This was at 6 weeks, and I was told it is conclusive.

Do I need retesting at 3 months?

Also, my farts seem lower pitch than usual and passing stool is easier now.  After 7 weeks I feel a bit constipated which has never happened before.  Could this be a sign that I was raped?  I discovered that a nearby park in the area is well known for "cruising" at night, and that scared me even more

[nursegirl6572]

You really need to seek professional help.  Your thinking is becoming obsessive where you are relating everything (bowel movements, tailbone pain weeks later, etc) to this night.  

A 1 month negative HIV test is an excellent indicator of your status (should you have had an exposure, which I absolutely do not think you did).  On the HIV forum, we adhere to the 3 month official guidelines for a conclusive result.  The docs in our expert forum advise that a 4-6 week negative test is virtually conclusive.  Don't start testing obsessively, as that will fuel your anxiety.

If you're at the 4 week mark, get a DUo test, which tests for both HIV antibodies, and antigen.  A DUO at 4 weeks is a very very good sign.  After that, you can take a standard antibody test (ELISA) at 3 months, just for your peace of mind.

In the meantime, seek some professional help to start addressing this severe anxiety.

[worriedprsn]

Also, my tailbone is hurting me now, but I don't know if its related to this event

[worriedprsn]

I meant 1 month HIV test in my previous post.

I cannot sleep for more than 2 hours without waking up now.  I feel like this is ruining my life and I am not even certain if anything actually happened.

Anus feel more sore than usual today, but likely due to heavy bowel movement this afternoon.  It didn't hurt the first day after I blacked out, but that's because I didn't even pay attention to it because the though of this incident occurring didn't even cross my mind.

[worriedprsn]

Noticed two small bruises on my waist even 10 days after.

I was speaking to my friend after the bar through phone, then didn't contact him for 30 minutes.  Why did I suddenly stop?  This is scaring me most, along with the fact that I mentioned I was with somebody else.

I get pretty bad anus irritation too now, but its mainly for a few hours after going to the bathroom.

How reliable is a 3 month HIV test?

[worriedprsn]

I feel that based on a few comments from my acquaintances, something happened at the bar with another guy, but they wont say anything directly to me.

All of the possible scenarios are going through my head, and it is interfering with my life constantly.  I cant believe I put myself through this situation, how could I have done this if I am straight?  Drinking because of social anxiety has just led me to worry about things even more.  What kind of stupid decisions did I make?

I cant believe this.  I wouldn't wish these feelings on anybody.

[worriedprsn]

Molly, sorry to hear about your story.  You woke up in emergency and felt sore immediately, luckily with me that wasn't the case (only felt anything 1 week later, but now I doubt it is even related).  The club I was at was not known for anything gay, although I'm sure they would let them in if they wanted to go to the club.

My "soreness" seemed to get a lot better a few hours after taking a shower.  I guess there were numerous factors that could've played into this (like using cheap toilet paper when using public washrooms), so it was most likely a hygiene issue.  Going to the doctor seems unnecessary at this point, as they will likely dismiss my paranoia and wont be able to determine anything until I get tested.

I think I am paranoid about this because I have seen a visibly drunk, straight guy get hit on and tricked by a gay guy in a regular club.  I guess that image, coupled with my fear of uncertainty, and my imagination going wild is causing me to worry over nothing.

There is no point in wondering "what if", I will go get tested at 4 weeks and hopefully put my fears to rest.

[Mollyrae]

First of all... I would like to say that I'm sorry this happened to you.

From what I have gathered here, it sounds like you might have been either in a Gay bar or a bar that they tend it hang out at. Is this the case??

I would listen to Nursegirl and try to put this behind you. I'm all for you getting checked out... it couldn't hurt.

I haven't had a drink since 2007 but prior to that, there were 2 times that I completely lost recollection of the nights events. Something did happen to me during the last time I blacked out ( and I was not a heavy drinker..moderation for me). I woke up in the Hospital and the police confiscated my clothes, right down to the winter coat I was wearing. I knew something had happened because I was sore. You would know it if that scenario happened to you...believe me.

I will not lecture to you as I know just how bad you feel...just let this be a lesson for future outings with your friends. And you're right..some friends

My best to you,
Mollyrae

Let

[trad969]

Gay guys go after gay guys. If you think something happen you should be asking why do I think this in the first place. The idea that gays are after you or attempting recruit into the ranks is a myth. Most gay neighborhoods are safe so you really need to address your own issues about being taken advantage of by gays.

[nursegirl6572]

You weren't sexually assaulted...remember the FACTS, not the fear.  The pain needs assessed, it could be a hemmorhoid for all you know.  This does NOT mean anything happened.

Let us know what you find out....hang in there.  Remember, anxiety is often very irrational...your fears are pretty irrational.  Not impossible, but very very improbable!

[worriedprsn]

I am definitely going to go and check it out, I have never been this scared in my life.  Is it possible to feel no pain until a week later?

I feel like the unluckiest person in the world right now, Im such an idiot.

[omhome]

probably better to go than sit and worry. what can you lose if you go----if money then is this suffering worth it? You might end up having to go so might as well be now.
What can you lose? A little money.
What can you lose if you do not go?  Well----don't want to scare you more.
  I would be there now!

omhome

[worriedprsn]

I am scared to death right now, what should I do?

It is exactly one week later, and now I have bad soreness/irritation around my anus.  This is not imagination it has been feeling like this all day.  I have never had this before.  Could it be a fissure or something healing?

I am so afraid right now its killing me.  Should I go to the doctor?

Please advise, Im desperate for support

[omhome]

no you didn't at all  and i am so sorry if i gave you that impression. I guess i just didn't say things very well at all worried---and i do get a bit preachy (my daughters let me know) from years as a lecturer at college and then for years as a yoga teacher. yep----directive when i probably should just listen (why i quit counseling). So why not just ignore what i said and focus on nursegirl's post. I would only second her advice to steer clear of the alcohol. If you do not need it to have fun then why do it if it can harm you? Right?
     Sorry----there i go again worriedprsn. (that's from ronald reagan's prez debate! Wow!). I better go so please accept my apology for "patronizing?".

omhome

[worriedprsn]

First, thank you nursegirl for your words, will definitely listen to your advice.

omhome, I don't drink every single day, only socially.  I don't need alcohol to have a good time, I just do it in moderation when I am with friends.  Normally I know exactly what is going on, but this time I didn't, which is why my mind is going crazy right now (I mentioned this is the first blackout in over 9 years of drinking socially).

In my mind, if someone knows you are vulnerable, they will take what they can from you after assaulting you.  I've never met a female victim so I wouldn't know, just an assumption.

Your reply seems somewhat patronizing, so if I offended you in any way, then I apologize.  I'm just trying to put my mind at ease here, not get into any arguments and increase my anxiety level

[omhome]

Why would you have "been robbed too"?
Have you seen straight guys go after women who were drunk----did they rob them?
You say you are afraid of diseases with no symptoms. Alcohol is a disease with symptoms folks deny.......
It scares me is why i am pointing out a few things to help you clear some things up worriedprsn. And i worry that you guess and hope the lesson is learned. Sounds like you are ok with drinking---you just won't black out again. Did you plan this last one?
The good news is you are posting here and looking for some help. I think you can learn and grow from this experience if you only will. Work at it. Luck doesn't get the job done. But---good luck!

omhome

[nursegirl6572]

The only reason I mentioned the gay thing is because I have seen some guys try and go after straight guys in clubs before, usually the very VERY drunk ones.

Well, sure, lots of jerky people like to take advantage of VERY drunk people (hence our warning to you)...but that isn't a "gay" problem.  That's a "jerk" problem.  Don't get yourself hung up on stereotyping a certain group of people.

If you're an anxious person, and "what if" a lot, I'll tell you now that alcohol will fuel your anxiety like gasoline to a fire.  Alcohol is one of the WORST things an anxious person can partake in, especially to the point of intoxication.

If you're going to drink, drink in moderate amounts, NOT to the point of intoxication, and don't make a habit of it.  Personally, I recommend steering clear of it all together for people who have problems with anxiety or depression...it's a nasty mix.

[worriedprsn]

The only reason I mentioned the gay thing is because I have seen some guys try and go after straight guys in clubs before, usually the very VERY drunk ones.  I guess seeing that once has it now stuck in my head,  I have no pains or "soreness", but now after thinking about it constantly I feel like there is minor soreness.  Likely my mind playing games.  Plus, if I was assaulted I probably would've been robbed too, but I wasn't.

I have never been blackout drunk before,  The thing is I am very afraid of the unknown.  Diseases with no symptoms, or not being able to recall anything from the previous night, frighten me to no end.  All of the possible negative consequences come to mind.  I know it's a bad habit, but I need certainty to keep my mind at ease.  

Lesson learned I guess, hopefully everything turns out OK.

[RubyWitch]

Drinking to the point of blacking out is a concern.

You're obviously homophobic. If you don't like gay people, that is certainly within your rights. I doubt you would view your attitude in this matter as a concern.


In your own words..........." I'm a male but there are a lot of gay people around in the city, especially at that time in the night who knows what could've happened to me in that state"

To be fearful that gangs of gay people, roaming the night streets like vampires might have raped you is irrational and other things that I can't say here. Let's not forget that YOU were also out "at that time in the night."

If anyone had done anything to you sexually against your will, you would have NO doubts. Especially if your rapists had been gay people. Women NEVER have to wonder if they've been raped.

It's extremely unlikely, considering the condition you were in, that YOU would have been able to harm anyone. Someone as drunk as you must have been would be easy to fight off. They also most likely would have called the police. I think you can rest assured that nothing at all happened. Either BY you or TO you.

It may very well be your imagination that is driving you crazy, but your imagination is driven by some behaviors and beliefs that I feel should be a cause for concern.
You might want to consider therapy and better friends.  

[omhome]

yeah....what she said......and trust your gut.
And yeah you do have cause for concern.
Drinking to oblivion will get you in the trouble you are now imagining. Your unconsciousness is talking to you---warning you now before your imagination becomes real. You have done this before----passed out---or got home w/o remembering? Or is this a first?
Whatever it is---make it a last.
Is drinking becoming a problem? Be honest. With yourself. With us.
And oh Man!  Thank God! Or your lucky stars! Or........

omhome