Ashamed?

[nekoarini]

Just to clarify, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety/panic disorder. I take Welbutrin SR, but admittedly I have a hard time keeping up with it due to an inconsistent sleep schedule.
Lately I've been....somewhat paranoid....I guess you could say. In social situations I'll constantly feel like I've probably done or said something wrong, or that I didn't say something I should have, or I talked for too long, etc. etc. And then I feel a sense of...well....despair. It's this heavy feeling in my chest and I feel like I just left my body. Occasionally I'll go into a panic attack. Recently they've been getting worse and worse. And about 3 weeks ago I started going into panic attacks where I'd come out of them I wouldn't know where I was or I'd be somewhere different or have done something without realizing it. I can faintly remember, but it doesn't seem like it was me. Like a thought that was in my head, it doesn't feel like I acted on it, but I did.
I didn't say anything for a while, but earlier yesterday I came out of a panic attack and I had cut myself, rather badly actually.... From what I can see there's 16 cuts. 3 on my left arm, one on my side, 4 on my left leg, and 8 on my right leg... This was at, what should have been, an enjoyable weekend convention....
I'm not sure what to do... I tried to act like it was normal, but I'm really scared... I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends or family about it.... But the cuts really hurt and I'm afraid of something like this happening again...
I've never cut myself before, because I know it's stupid. So I don't know why I did this, and it doesn't feel like it was me... I don't want to commit suicide, I'm scared of dying more than anything... But often I'll find myself so confused and overwhelmed that I just want to curl up tightly, close my eyes, and disappear... like I never existed in the first place...

[nekoarini]

Thank you. I am on a college campus and we have counseling as well as a campus psychologist available. So I'll probably go see her today.

[ibelongincalifornia]

Don't ever be ashamed to talk to someone about something you know is harmful to yourself. You deserve a right to happiness just as much as anybody else does and you don't deserve to suffer through this. Please seek help from a medical professional- even just a family doctor can be loads of help. I wish you the best of luck xoxo

[cj29]

Ok, first of all, you are not stupid.  Many people suffer with anxiety and need help in getting through it.  I believe it takes so much more courage to admit it and confront it than to do nothing about it.  Do you have access to a counselor?  As you said, you don't want to permanently hurt yourself, so go get help immediatley.  Do not be ashamed.  There are so many of us that need to reach out.  I know it can be really hard, but once you do, you can start the healing process.