College-age children?!

[me236]

ANY SINGLE MOMS OUT THERE WITH ADULT COLLEGE-AGE CHILDREN??!! OR ANYONE WITH INPUT?? Here's my situation---My husband and I separated when our son was 14. Long story (aren't they all?) but my husband did not live the life of a husband or father (I felt like a single mother, even when we were married).  Even when we split, I was the primary parent in his life for the past 6 years. Now my son is 20 years old, smart, independent, well-mannered (his teachers--and other adults--tell me that he is unusual because he shows 'integrity' and respect of people around him (for a young adult). I feel proud when I see him ineract with others. I've taught him to respect all people (especially women, the elderly, and disabled people he encounters) and all animals. Now that he is in his 2nd year in college--away from home--he and I seem to get along pretty well when he is home. (well, in my mind anyways)  It's been an ongoing learning experience for me to learn how to treat my adult child (and show him the respect deserving of an adult). I NEED HELP AND INPUT FROM ANY MOMS OUT THERE WITH ADULT CHILDREN... See, my son talks to me when he wants, when he's 'ready.' He rarely calls home or communicates with me on the computer unless I initiate it.  So I've tried to step back and let him 'do his thing.'  But, if I text or email him, he usually responds with something like "stop asking me how I am" or "stop texting me". I try to do it less and less because it hurts my feelings tremendously, and I'm tired of crying. He does not treat anyone else like this except me. He talks to his aunt/uncle/adult cousins, his grandfather, everyone else in our family with kindness and respect. (I can only assume he does not treat his father the way he treats me..)  He was not raised this way. even his father taught him to always respect his mother.  I don't know why my son is so mean to me. I've tried to make it clear (by words and actions) that no matter what is happening in life, I am always here for him, and always will be. I feel if I don't contact him at all, it will seem like I don't care. But if I don't contact him, weeks and probably months would go by without interaction with him, and I'm afraid that will establish a bad habit for him to continue when he gets out of college. And we would grow further apart? I need advice on this issue... THANK YOU TO ANYONE WHO HAS INPUT!

[me236]

thank you so much... I truly appreciate your listening to me and honestly sharing your experiences with me. 2 days ago my son's car got broken into (he called me then; he calls when he needs something!) so yesterday I emailed him saying "how you doing? How's Mike doing?" (Mike is his friend that was w him at the sporting event when my son's car got broken into and some of Mike's things were stolen). Anyway, in my email, I also added another sentence about my day, just so it didn't look like the email was just about him...didn't want him to feel like I was prying). Anyway, the response I got was "we're fine stop asking" . PERIOD! No goodbye, nothing else. This is typical of responses I get. I try to contact him only once or twice every 4-6 weeks. I've tried to back off. Well, I guess I should stop any contact for now??  Needless to say, last night, I took Valium and cried myself to sleep.   :(

[mammo]

I had this problem with one of my sons, it is very hurtful  when you know you've done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.  He would come to visit and talk to everyone but me.  Finally I decided if this is how he wants it then I will back off and give him his space. I would go to my bedroom when he came to visit, didn't like doing this, but nor was I going to be in the same room and ignored.  After about a month it all turned around and again we were close.  Sometimes we need to allow them their freedom, and not keep checking on them.  What he is learning is that no matter how he treats you, you will still be writing and/or calling (you're a mom we do this), you are so busy reaching out to him that he feels no need to reach out to you.  Without saying anything, just back off, trust me he will notice.  You know in your heart that if he needs you he knows how to reach you, and he knows how much you love him and that he can always count on you.  Give him a chance to miss hearing from mom, and if he ever asks why you've stopped writing/calling just be sweet and say "I know how busy college can keep you, and I feel it's best to let you write or call when you have time."  You don't want to get any bad feelings going.  At first he may think "cool" but trust me, you will start hearing more from him.  This is why he contacts the other family members, they aren't clinging to him and he knows he doesn't need to contact you because he hears from you so often.  I know how difficult this is, but some times we need to let them go to get them back. I was like you with my daughter who lives several states away with no  family around her.  I called a lot, always worried, always something.  Eventually it became obviousl that she didn't want to be bothered by my calling or emailing all the time. I just got tired of her screening her calls, and me feeling like I was do all the calling and writing, and she did none.  It hurt, but I decided not to push myself on her anymore.  I didn't say anything, I just quit calling and emailing her, and this wasn't easy.  After a few weeks of her not hearing from me, I started to hear from her!  An email here and there or a call, but still I remained firm that I would not write or call.  She started contacting me on a daily basis thru email, and a call about once a week.  I discovered that by me not constantly clinging to her, not only did we have lots to talk about (we didn't before) but she gained a whole new respect for me.  I think maybe she realized what it would be like if mom wasn't here, I don't know.  We are very close, but rarely do I call her, I will shoot her an email, but I've had to let her be the independent adult I raised her to be.  We give our children two things, roots and wings, so we must be willing to accept when they use those wings.  Just give him his space and you will be surprised at how it will turn things around.  You raised him well, this will improve when he doesn't feel "bugged" by mom all the time.  It took me a long time to learn this, it's so hard to let them go.  He'll be fine and so will you.  Take care,,,

[rilesnic]

I can't give you advice, but I have an 18 year old who won't even talk to my husband       ( who is her dad), her sister, or me.  She is in college. She does NOTHING with our family at all.  She lives in our home, but just sleeps here.  We will all be sitting in the living room and she will walk right past us, never say a word, and we won't see her until 10:00 at night.  She never even shares a meal with us.  She does work 40 hours a week and pays her own car note, gas, etc.  I do pay her auto and health insurance and would like just a little bit of respect.  We were always a very close family and went on family vacations, we coached little league and even sponsored her school's drill team when she was on it, etc...the same things all parents do for their kids.  We are really are saddended by her actions.  All I can say is, I know how you feel,and I'm sorry you have to go through it.  I pray every day that she wakes up and sees how she is pushing everyone who loves her away.