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HOCD or gay? Please help. Desperate

So I'm a girl whose had anxiety since I was 9 and am now 21. I've had seriously crippling anxiety, leading to home instruction some years and terrible panic. When I got high this year I now began another disorder- HOCD. The fear of being gay. I went into a full blown panic thinking I was a lesbian. I thought of all the instances where I thought I was and how I'd come out. I had a panic attack and had to take lots of Xanax to calm down. The days following I was bed ridden with fear and crying to my sister who laughed at my disorder. Here are the reasons I am scared this isn't HOCD and I'm gay:

When I was young, if I found a girl pretty I would get nervous and was relieved that when I befriended them, I didn't like them like that.

I was a tomboy. Me and my friend once played a game where I had a girl from class I was "rescuing"

I played this weird hospital birthing game with my friend once and it excited me when I we like 6

I have been very aroused by guys but sex is a problem. I'm almost positive it's due to my seriously high dosage of anti depressants since I was 9 and I'm impotent. My fear is if I come off them, my gay desires would kick in

I think I've found lesbian things on TV exciting every now and then

I like gay guy porn (just found out lots of lesbians do)

K, now here are reasons I am doubtful

I have masturbated to guys

I have found pleasure from guys

When I'm drunk I become super horny for guys

I was diagnosed with regular OCD at 9

I do have a panic disorder

Since I was very young I'd pray not to be gay. Idk if that's good or bad. Idk

If had crushes on guys. Especially celebrity guys. Obsessive ones

I like to read straight fanfiction on TV characters I like

So that is the list. I thought I was over my OCD thoughts but they are back after reading gay women love gay guy porn. I panicked. I hate hanging out with my new pretty friends cause I'm scared I'm attracted to them. I picture myself making a move and I become hot with anxiety. I'm in serious need of help.
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Avatar universal
Well, that's good that your immediate family is accepting if you were to end up being that way. Unfortunate about the aunts, though.  I just asked because I was trying to see if there was connection regarding why you might have developed this at such an early age, you know?

You might try to find a different therapist.  Some therapists' methods don't work for some people.  I refused to go to therapy for the longest time after a bad experience but then I tried again and found one who really cares and is helpful.  If not, maybe you can keep a journal of triggers you find in your life and make a reasonable list of ways to avoid these triggers so you don't end up making yourself miserable with these thoughts.  You deserve a good quality of life!

I'm glad your sister and you can talk about this stuff and that she helped you calm down.

Take care!
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Avatar universal
Thanks for responding. My family seems pro gay but I can tell my aunts and uncles aren't. Using terms as faggy and dykey. My parents however always are so "we love you no matter what" so although it would be a lot to deal with, they'd accept me. I have been in therapy since I was 9, and stopped a couple years ago since it seemed ineffective.

Seriously thanks for responding. Little triggers send me into a spiral. I talked to my sister a bit and calmed down today but it really shakes me.
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Avatar universal
I'd definitely get into therapy if you are not already, and if you are, I'd gear the next few sessions on dealing with these thoughts.  There's nothing wrong if you are bisexual or even lesbian.  And, for the record, I have plenty of straight female friends who enjoy gay male porn.  It's something that some people enjoy regardless of sexuality.  These thoughts seem like they are taking over your life and affecting your friendships.  You need to learn to come to terms with the thoughts and how to best control them if that is what you and your therapist deem necessary.

Is your family really anti-lesbian/gay?  or is it just an obsessive phobia you've had inexplicably?
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Avatar universal
I wish I could give you a definite answer but I can't. Maybe you're bi-sexual? Many people are and there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion. Are you in counseling right now?
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