Hi guys I've been suffering from hocd since September the 17th, the thought what if I'm gay hit me, when I was watching a movie of a boy realising he was gay. I've had anxiety all my life, my anxiety became really bad since last year almost 2 years it's been since I've had really bad anxiety. It all started when I smoked weed, I started having anxiety attacks and obsessive thoughts, that I couldn't get rid of no matter what. I've always had ocd tencies, but they were never as bad. I never knew I suffered with ocd until my hocd started. I was diagnosed with ocd then and GAD, I had fears that I was a lesbian it was really bad, I became depressed and hopeless. All my life I have been straight, I'm an accepting person, I don't care what other people would think of me even if I was gay. I then realised that I'm not a lesbian because, I've had many boyfriends I was always sexually and emotional attracted to males, for the whole 20 years of my life, I never had a desire or an urge to be with a woman in any sort of way. Okay so since I realised I'm not a lesbian because it's simply impossible to go from straight to lesbian, I started panicking I might be bi sexual, this fear seems more real than ever:( then I remember that I used to watch lesbian Porn, I find it disturbing now. I would never watch it again, I feel disgusted having these thoughts:(. I keep checking online if I'm still straight if I ever was straight. It became an addiction, I keep asking people if I'm straight, I check if I'm aroused enough when having sex with my boyfriend. I lost my attraction to males it's not as strong, where I used to be boy crazy I loved my orientation I just loved it :( I miss it so much. I test myself mentally if I could be sexual with a girl, at first I got panic attacks, but since like 3 months. I feel nothing at all, no anxiety no nothing :( I feel numb. Now that probably means I like it, that I will enjoy having sex with a female, whenever I feel this was, I become depressed like really depressed to the point where I burst out crying. I feel not like myself, I feel so damn horrible. Please don't tell me there's nothing wrong with being bi, I know, I know that my family wouldn't mind my friends wouldn't mind either, I tried accepting the fact that I could be bi, but I just can't :( I don't wanna be with a woman in anyway, I don't wanna have desires to be with a woman !! I don't know what to do, my therapist tells me it's ocd and that I'm straight. But I don't believe her, I'm so convinced I'm bi, I feel scared and cursed, if I really am bi, I would commit suicide literally, it feels like my life would make no sense anymore. It feels so bad the worst feeling in the world. I've read that people go through Hocd and find out that they really are bi, that scares me more than ever, I really really really don't wanna be bi, but isn't that denial ?? Then I remembered before my hocd I had 4 Lesbian dreams that I didn't even freak out about, I keep obsessing about it now, because that's clearly a sign that I'm bi! I feel hopeless I feel like dying, I have no motivation in life. I'm scared that this isn't ocd I'm just making it up so I don't have to be bi :( can ocd make you feel like your fears are real. My worse fear is that I might be sexually aroused by a woman, I feel like I will be because I watched the L porn:( doesn't that mean I'm sexually attracted to girls?? I really hope I'm not :((( I used to sleep with my friends in the same bed, get changed in front of each other not once in my life did I have a gay thought in my head before. I'm just really scared that I've turned bi:( because some people do later on in life. I just want my life back so much I don't wanna have these thoughts:( I can't even be with my friends anymore, I'm scared that I'm gonna have an urge to do something with them, and like it and that will mean I'm bi. I swear to God I don't want that to happen ever in my life. Please someone help me. I took sexuality tests but they always tell me that I'm straight as an arrow but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I'm not it's so confusing!! Today's been so bad I was planing on how to take my life away, because death seems like a better option than being bi. Okay I don't mind being bi people can call me bi I don't care but I don't wanna be with a woman or have an urge to be with a woman or think of women or find them attractive. Please someone help me