Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Hi guys I've been suffering from hocd since September the 17th, the thought what if I'm gay hit me, when I was watching a movie of a boy realising he was gay. I've had anxiety all my life, my anxiety became really bad since last year almost 2 years it's been since I've had really bad anxiety. It all started when I smoked weed, I started having anxiety attacks and obsessive thoughts, that I couldn't get rid of no matter what. I've always had ocd tencies, but they were never as bad. I never knew I suffered with ocd until my hocd started. I was diagnosed with ocd then and GAD, I had fears that I was a lesbian it was really bad, I became depressed and hopeless. All my life I have been straight, I'm an accepting person, I don't care what other people would think of me even if I was gay. I then realised that I'm not a lesbian because, I've had many boyfriends I was always sexually and emotional attracted to males, for the whole 20 years of my life, I never had a desire or an urge to be with a woman in any sort of way. Okay so since I realised I'm not a lesbian because it's simply impossible to go from straight to lesbian, I started panicking I might be bi sexual, this fear seems more real than ever:( then I remember that I used to watch lesbian Porn, I find it disturbing now. I would never watch it again, I feel disgusted having these thoughts:(. I keep checking online if I'm still straight if I ever was straight. It became an addiction, I keep asking people if I'm straight, I check if I'm aroused enough when having sex with my boyfriend. I lost my attraction to males it's not as strong, where I used to be boy crazy I loved my orientation I just loved it :( I miss it so much. I test myself mentally if I could be sexual with a girl, at first I got panic attacks, but since like 3 months. I feel nothing at all, no anxiety no nothing :( I feel numb. Now that probably means I like it, that I will enjoy having sex with a female, whenever I feel this was, I become depressed like really depressed to the point where I burst out crying. I feel not like myself, I feel so damn horrible. Please don't tell me there's nothing wrong with being bi, I know, I know that my family wouldn't mind my friends wouldn't mind either, I tried accepting the fact that I could be bi, but I just can't :( I don't wanna be with a woman in anyway, I don't wanna have desires to be with a woman !! I don't know what to do, my therapist tells me it's ocd and that I'm straight. But I don't believe her, I'm so convinced I'm bi, I feel scared and cursed, if I really am bi, I would commit suicide literally, it feels like my life would make no sense anymore. It feels so bad the worst feeling in the world. I've read that people go through Hocd and find out that they really are bi, that scares me more than ever, I really really really don't wanna be bi, but isn't that denial ?? Then I remembered before my hocd I had 4 Lesbian dreams that I didn't even freak out about, I keep obsessing about it now, because that's clearly a sign that I'm bi! I feel hopeless I feel like dying, I have no motivation in life. I'm scared that this isn't ocd I'm just making it up so I don't have to be bi :( can ocd make you feel like your fears are real. My worse fear is that I might be sexually aroused by a woman, I feel like I will be because I watched the L porn:( doesn't that mean I'm sexually attracted to girls?? I really hope I'm not :((( I used to sleep with my friends in the same bed, get changed in front of each other not once in my life did I have a gay thought in my head before. I'm just really scared that I've turned bi:( because some people do later on in life. I just want my life back so much I don't wanna have these thoughts:( I can't even be with my friends anymore, I'm scared that I'm gonna have an urge to do something with them, and like it and that will mean I'm bi. I swear to God I don't want that to happen ever in my life. Please someone help me. I took sexuality tests but they always tell me that I'm straight as an arrow but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I'm not it's so confusing!! Today's been so bad I was planing on how to take my life away, because death seems like a better option than being bi. Okay I don't mind being bi people can call me bi I don't care but I don't wanna be with a woman or have an urge to be with a woman or think of women or find them attractive. Please someone help me
8 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Oh btw if it is still bothering you the numbness is called the backdoor spike it dosnt cause anxiety so you then get anxiety about not having anxiety no you dont enjoy it clearly but i know how convincing this is and how you feel so trapped.. Also the porn i use to watch it too during puberty ages that is a huge torment for me but i know just like you know deep down you are straight and so am i. Always will be you cant turn gay or bi. And you said you concluded you were not lesbian because you have no desire to be with a woman well then you can't possibly be bi either because again you have no desire to be with a woman to be bi is still having that desire and want to be with both genders you only want and desire men so you are straight just like i am and with many hicd suffers they lose attractions to the opposite sex because of the high level of anxiety and probably depression you have right now . I promise you will be okay you are straight always have been always will be I promise im straight and so are you this is hocd stay strong
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I dont know if you will see this but i am going through the same thing now mine is bi ocd also it is very horrible dealing with this
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I understand what yore saying Paxiled :) and I agree somewhat that yeah medications are produced to make money and all that :) but pure-O OCD is a really thing :) if you don't think it is, fair enough :) but to us and to over thousands of people in the uk alone- it is :)
It's not just HOCD in pure- o OCD :) there are people who are scared they are pedophiles, or that they will hurt people or themselves, or they live in constant fear that they have sinned. So what would you call the propel which have these constant thought if it's not OCD? That's where pure- o came from :) it's just a name for a thing we have :)
My therapist explained it to me as this- there is two sides to our brain (I forget the names of them now as they are very long medical names hahaha) but one side is the side that sends us into compete panic and fear when we are scared, the other side is the side that reassures the panic side when we don't need to worry. However people with this kind of anxiety issue, worry about one issue soooooo much and sooooo often that the side that is ment to reassure us has almost given up! So we are basically just living in constant fear about this one subject haha :) and it's a called a type of OCD as we do many compulsions to this obsession, but these are just in or mind! As the things we worry about our things to do with our mind! :)
So to sum up basically I think pure-o is defiantly real- as what else would you call this? Is it just nothing? Of course not :) it's just a name for this certain type of condition that's all :)
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
What we call it in the US is GAD -- generalized anxiety disorder.  Or at least that's what it used to be called.  It's when we get terrified by a host of things and obsess over them.  As you say, it could be anything.  I really don't care if you want to call it Pure O or GAD or whatever as long as you don't take that to mean you'll always be that way just because somebody made up a nice name.  I guess it's obvious that after so many years of this stuff I don't have the same regard for the medical profession -- we have to be much more active in doing our own homework, thinking logically, and managing our own care.  I didn't do that when I was young.  I don't want any of you to suffer that way.  Just focus on getting better but don't take these labels, all of which are very new, as the definition of who you are underneath whatever the amygdyla is doing.  Peace.
Avatar universal
I've been obsessing about this for more than 6 months non stop 24:7, I'm just tired :( I can't go out without being scared that a female might hit on me or find my attractive, I can't have fun anymore, my grades have dropped, my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend has been ruined. I'm always in bed researching and find evidence. Doing sexuality tests, and seeking reassurance from people online:(. I'm really sorry if I sounded rude, but I just got really scared and panicky. I feel like I'm losing myself, I'm losing my identity it's absolutely awful
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You don't even understand how much u scared me I'm having a panic attack :,((((
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Btw it's a pure o ocd, if you don't know what that is, have a research on it
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So your trying to say that I'm bi ? And have OCD ?? Where I'm in cbt therapy for my OCD also on medication ? I have been diagnosed with ocd by professionals ? You just scared me more instead of helping me, you know. I was happy the way I was before I started having obsessive thoughts, I always knew I was straight and I was happy, don't tell me it doesn't matter what my sexuality is, because for me it does matter ! I never liked women, I still don't, I find it repulsive! Maybe I haven't explained myself well enough, but checking, avoiding, is a compulsion. That I do on daily basis to ease my anxiety from the thoughts. Avoiding gay ppl, and friends so I don't get an unwanted thoughts isnt a compulsion ? Or washing things that have been touched by gay people isn't a compulsion?? Having an anxiety attack when hearing a word gay or bi, or reading your comment ? Then I think you should go educate yourself more, before commenting ! And giving me a panic attack ! And making m doubt myself even more. If you can't help me then don't comment at all, because your just scaring me more instead of helping me
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sorry, but I gotta say it -- it doesn't matter what your sexuality is as long as it makes you happy.  I also think you've gotten yourself hung up on labels.  Do you have compulsive behaviors?  Because what you've described are obsessive thoughts, which everyone has from time to time and everyone with any kind of mental disorder has much of the time, but OCD sufferers have repetitive behavior, which you don't manifest.  HOCD is just a label for obsessing about your sexuality, it isn't a disease.  These labels are mostly created for insurance company and pharmaceutical company purposes, and sometimes to tailor a treatment, but basically you just sound like an anxious and insecure person who needs to work on changing the way you think about things, including the things you think about.  Thinking is natural -- worrying yourself sick over thinking isn't.
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
I'm sorry but I don't think what you're saying is correct. I'm also suffering from HOCD.
HOCD is a type of HOCD called pure-o OCD. This means all of our compulsions are in our head- they are not physical compulsions like washing our hands or cleaning everything. we google, ask ourselves questions and are constantly asking the people around us for reassurance.  
Yes she is having obsessive thiughts and I understand that everyone has hem from time to time. But her obsessive thoughts are constant. They don't just come and go. They are always there. She and everyone with HOCD live in constant fear and anxiety that they may turn gay it bi or may have just never know their whole lives.
If this was just a made up condition then why would we be being treated for our HOCD by professionals? Why would be having to see a therapist once a week and be taking medication? Isn't it just so obvious that HOCD is a real thing?

Yes it doesn't matter what your sexuality is as long as you are happy- I completely agree. But she was happy before HOCD and she is unhappy now with the thoughts of becoming gay or bi. So isn't it obvious she is straight?

Sorry to sound rude or anything I just know how it feels when you get told false information like this. It can send you into a spiral or worry. If you want to know more about pure-o OCD I recommend watching the 10 min doctumentary Sky news did on the subject :)
Boy, this new format change is hard to use, folks.  Listen, folks, I'm not saying anxiety isn't a terrible problem -- I've been suffering with it for longer than most of you have been alive.  And I'm not saying obsessive thoughts aren't horrible, they are.  What I am saying is we have to often get away from the labels if we want to get better, and the only known cure is not medication, though that can help, but good and expert therapy.  I'm also not saying therapy works most of the time -- it doesn't.  What I am saying is that you have to understand the medical community and how they develop these labels.  There's a reason for newer and newer and more and more diagnoses and categories, and that's to sell more drugs, as you can't patent a drug without something to treat you aren't already covered by.  So if you have an antidepressant that was only approved to battle depression, one way to extend your patent protection is to get approved to treat a different condition, say, anxiety.  The more you can divide the categories, the longer you can protect your monopoly on your drug.  The same with insurance companies -- they will only pay for recognized diagnoses, so if you invent more diagnoses, which the diagnostic manual does every time they revise it, you can get reimbursed for more and more things.  Sometimes this is a good thing, because it means more people can get help that's insured.  Sometimes it's a bad thing, when a health professional diagnoses you with something and you freak out because now you've labeled yourself as something and that becomes your self-definition.  There is no such thing as HOCD or Pure O any more than there is something called Bipolar 2 or 3 or however many of them there are now.  These were made up to sell drugs.  But the treatment for anxiety is the same no matter what you call it, and obsessive thinking is involved in all mental disorders.  So you have to distinguish, does this label truly define me, and does it really help me to get better, or does it confuse me and make me feel like I have some horrible strange illness?  All treatments for anxiety problems, not matter what you call them, try to get us to think differently, to not think as if everything in our minds is going to lead to catastrophe and there's no hope, because I'm not just an anxious person, I have Pure O -- sounds a lot worse and self-defining, doesn't it?  That's why I said what I said -- for the person posting, getting treatment for anxiety will always make you worse before it makes you better because you have to confront what you're avoiding.  As long as we avoid, we get worse.  I'm the evidence of what I don't want you all to suffer -- therapy didn't work, I ended up on meds, and the meds destroyed my life, and while I was on the meds I stopped seeking a solution.  Now for me, the label was agoraphobia originally, but as I've gotten old with it I've realized anxiety is anxiety, it manifests in different ways.  The poster's problem isn't that she thinks she's bi, it's that thinking she's bi is driving her to distraction and interfering with her life instead of just being one of a million interesting thoughts we all have every day.  Every anxiety attack is an obsessive thought that gets stuck in our brain that something horrible is going to happen.  That's what needs fixing.  And no, I don't think you're bi -- from your description, you don't sound bi to me at all, but that isn't what matters -- what matters is that you stop being terrified by your thoughts.  Peace.
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Anxiety Community

Top Anxiety Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
370181 tn?1595629445
Arlington, WA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Find out what can trigger a panic attack – and what to do if you have one.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Take control of tension today.
These simple pick-me-ups squash stress.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Want to wake up rested and refreshed?