How can I feel confident in living on my OWN?

[calmshell]

I am in my 30's and never fully been on my OWN. I feel so sad and low. I have very low self esteem/confidence. Went through two hellish decades of severe mental abuse, from my manic/narcissistic mother. Threats, constant belittling, screaming, hitting, etc. Some days I don't even feel human. I think my mind numbed out even basic human rights and emotions. She'd yell, 'You don't have the Right to ..blah, blah.' all the time. My mind began to believe I have no rights, to anything. To love, joy, happiness, or even sharing anger or sadness ever. It was awful. She's one of the most volatile, Mean beings i've EVER come across. Will rage about NOTHING. I still live with her because she made me feel I can't trust 'me'. That I am irresponsible, lazy etc. Yet I feel that is ALL I've been in life- pleasing others, making A's in school, even graduating honors from college. But I still believe the toxic **** that was thrown at me almost daily. I am not working currently, but trying to find a part time job- full time is a lot for me; I suspect I have PTSD, as I am super hypervigilant and anxious in jobs. Wondering every hour what I've done 'wrong'. It's just horrible and I'm trying to get a therapist now too. Had some in past, but they were very quiet in nature,and didn't offer me too much. I just want to feel I can do this on my own, have my OWN life. But I second guess EVERYTHING. I read recently adult kids of narcissists have self doubt a lot. And sometimes crippling anxiety, Like I've had about several things. Any tips or anyone with similar experience, thank you so much.

[Sgo714]

I think that just the thought of wanting to live on your own means that you’re ready to take that step. You’ll need a job for an income to take care of rent.

[Paxiled]

I hate to say the obvious, but if what you say is true, you gotta get out of the house.  You can't stand on your own unless you stand on your own.  If you're a college graduate with honors, you must have found something you liked, and you need to pursue that.  Clearly, you need therapy, and I'm afraid for what you're describing you can't expect quick results.  But again, if what you are saying is accurate, you have to cut the ties that are strangling you and get in the deep end of the pool.  You have the tools, and you did well at them.  Do you have friends who can offer support?  At some point, we all have to move past all the stuff that plagued us when we were young.  If we don't, we freeze in time.  It's not easy, and many just never do it, and the world is made up of all kinds of people, but in your situation, you are living in the toxicity that has apparently frozen you in place.  Do get therapy, but nobody can force you to make a move.  That will be up to you.  And it sounds like you're well equipped to do it no matter what you've been told.

[Paxiled]

Oh, and you do know, right, that most people pretend to be really confident, right?  And that the most confident people are often the most incompetent?  Most people do not find life easy, but they do find it doable.

[calmshell]

Thank you friend. I truly appreciate your kindness and support. No, I don't have a friend I could turn to for any real support. I really liked when you said I DO have the tools- that I've been to college, I got really good grades in HS and college, and was very responsible. I doubt myself still, VERY much. My 'mom' would belittle me daily, I mean for YEARS. Extreme cruelty /mocking me, and psychological abuse. She's an IMMENSE narcissist too. And I just read in a self help book, that adult kids of narcissists doubt themselves a LOT. They suck your soul out, they try to drown you mentally. I don't know about all narcissists, but my 'mom' didn't want me - she has rage, is beyond self centered , and possibly has BPD too. I guess I fear any mistakes on my own... I fear I'll be a catastrophic failure. IF ANY mistakes were made around her, any.. she'd hit me, scream in my face, etc. It was HELL. I thought this is NORMAL life. That I shouldn't be deserving of joy or love. I've never had a bf even. Who would date someone who feels so unworthy? Who feels SO broken. ?
I think I need to feel HUMAN to get my own place- like if I make mistakes, then Oh WELL. My life was constant 'catastrophizing' growing up- every thing I did was 'wrong'. So it stuck in my foundation- I fear I'll miss bill payments (even though I've paid a couple of my own bills on time for years.) That is what self doubt and anxiety does- STILL makes you believe, No you are just BAD. You are not responsible. etc.  I am working on all this though and am determined to HEAL fully from it. Thank you so much for your kindness in this.  Enjoy your day friend. :)

[Paxiled]

Just add one thing here.  I'm a big anxiety sufferer, which is why I'm here, so I do get it.  But avoidance makes all this worse in the long run, even though it does make it easier in the short run.  The more you avoid, the more you believe you need to avoid.  I'm a big avoider nowadays due to my own medication issues, but all therapy will try to get you to stop avoiding things because you're afraid of what will happen.  No matter how wonderful you truly are, in opposition to how your Mom's treatment made you feel, life will be full of mistakes big and small.  Sometimes you will forget to pay a  bill.  We've all done that.  It's not a good habit to have, but all humans are mistake machines -- just look at life.  Look at the way we do what we do.  Pretty dumb most of the time, right?  But we go on and try better next time or if we're really numb to others we don't and just go on that way.  To be human, to feel human, is to goof up and not have it be the end of the world.  It's not human to be perfect.  So the question is, what would make you happier -- going on this way, or getting out there and messing up sometimes?