I also see this as a two prong problem. Sure, you have anxious, obsessive thinking and need treatment but you also have a real problem that you can't stop yourself from going for your happy ending massages 'for relief'. If I knew the source of my fear? I'd stop paying to participating in it. No one is forcing you to hit the massage center that gives you the happy ending massages that give you so much anxiety. You can't stop yourself from going? That also is a real problem. The issue of no self control to stop going to seedy massage centers to get jerked off by a stranger you pay . . . is it an addiction? This will never get better unless you address a number of things in your life. What type of therapy is available to you? Find out and dive in! I don't judge you for going for the hand jobs---- other than to say if you complain of the anxiety after, then it is up to you to not go. Smokers complaining of coughs, same thing. You are putting yourself in the position all on your own to have this anxiety. good luck
Agree with the above, but some practical advice -- if going to massage parlors is causing you anxiety why do you go to massage parlors? I realize sex is a powerful urge, but that's what real relationships are for. You can self-pleasure. Therapy will take some time to work, and again, completely agree that's what you need to do, but this particular problem is one you can avoid in the meantime. Also, it wouldn't hurt for you to do some homework on what actually causes HIV.