First, let me say that I'm SO sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain you must have went through, such a tragic loss.
I agree with Paxiled 100%, I think you need intensive therapy. Like Paxiled says, most of us with anxiety disorders can't really identify an obvious underlying cause. MANY people with anxiety have lived perfectly happy, healthy lives, with no loss or trauma...yet they still develop anxiety. I would be one of those people. You have experienced traumatic losses and have struggled with a lot of things. I think intensive therapy (not just going once a month) is the way to go. You need to work through everything that happened, and sort through your emotions about those events.
You can overcome this and live a normal life. You may never be completely free of anxiety, many of us always have to stay on guard, as it never truly ever just goes away, but it can be managed. For YOU...I think doing some serious digging and exploring is a necessity.
I wish you the best, please update us!
I AM SORRY THAT YOUR BABY WAS LOST. :'( It is not true that past experiences do not map out our futures. Imagine your future if you were never taught to drive a car. It is almost like that. Past experiences shape our perceptions and reactions to the world around us. Experiences make us WHO we are. And sometimes those experiences have nasty results... like Generalized Phobias. I suggest you seek counseling for this, and see your doctor as well, to rule out any physical problems, and get you on an anti-anxiety med. I know, no meds? I have this problem, too. I have since learned this: to trust my doctor's word that this medication is correct for me in the dosage he sets. I do not read the warnings pamphlet that comes with the medicine. Nor do i look it up on the web or read about it in the Library. I just take it as told, expecting nothing but positive results. This has worked wonders for me about fear of meds. I take alot of them, and have had experience with others. The worst thing that ever happened to me with a medication is that it did NOTHING. I hope this is helpful. - Blu
Hey man, first off I wanna say something. You are not a ****-up. Stuff happens. Sometimes really terrible stuff. It's just the way things play out. Keep using that stuff in constructive ways.
The first thing you need to do is find a good psychiatrist. I know it can be super scary to trust the medical profession. But most of them really are good, kind, caring people that want to get you better just as much as you do. Get someone to bring you there to make sure you go in and are seen. The hardest parts are the little things. The picking up the phone and giving your insurance information, the standing in the lobby waiting in the queue. It can be very overwhelming but you can do it.
The doctor will probably give you a reference for a therapist or group therapy to help you work out some stuff. It sounds like therapy could be very good for you. The doctor may also suggest an anti-anxiety medication like zoloft. You're anxiety problems may be purely circumstantial, but they may also stem from an actual medical problem - a microscopic chemical imbalance in your brain. Make sure that what is wrong really is anxiety and not something else. In my mother's case her anxiety was circumstantial. In my brother, it was actually a symptom of schizoaffective disorder. Also, if your doctor isn't being helpful (try to remain objective about it), you may even need to see a different doctor or get a second opinion.
The second thing you need to do is actually a new generalized approach to life. Approaching your life with the goal of not having anxiety can seem like a lot, but it can be attained in many small ways. Do what works for you. Keep doing normal things, getting distracted by something/concentrating hard will help. Find small ways to get yourself relaxed. I.e. i find rain soothing so i play a youtube recording of rain. Read and watch comforting, uplifting things. And try to surround yourself by friends that support you and make you feel good. Maybe even google uplifting scripture if you're religious. If you have a moment where you're freaking out with fear, excuse yourself to a quiet place, even if it's just in your mind, and give yourself a pep-talk, maybe call someone who can talk you through it.
On a side note, I just want to voice this: In regards to your child, there are several things that may possibly have happened. One, is good old SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). That may have been the culprit. Two, I have always had a hard time believing that people would harm their child by sleeping next to them/with them because that is how we have survived for millennia. Cradles are a relatively new construction in human history. This may however be my ignorance. I am just throwing it out there. I know how you must feel about it, so I really do sincerely apologize if I am only making matters worse. Three, vaccines. Yes, I am going to come out and say I am one of those crazy people that believes that not spacing out (and I mean *substantially* spacing out) vaccinations may result in an adverse reaction in a baby as they are building up their immune system.
In closing, you are not a ****-up. You can do this. One step at a time.
I think what you need is intensive therapy -- though you may have already tried this -- because what you're suffering is from real stuff. Most of us who suffer chronic anxiety have no idea why -- it just starts up and doesn't stop. But you have this awful history working against you and in order to move on you have to learn how to let go of real things that have happened -- think of it as a sort of PTSD. Don't expect it to be easy or guaranteed to do what you want, but it seems to be your best choice so you can let the past be the past and use the present to make up for it.