Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

I am scared constantly

This post is going to be very very long and I hope that people will read it because I am really looking for some positive feedback on this.  I guess it all started back in highschool.  I was doing some very very serious drugs that lead to a lot of overdoses.  Waking up in the hospital is a nightmare.  I used to take that over the counter cough and cold medicine(Triple C's) a lot when I was younger as well.  When I was 17 I took like 30 or 40( i cannot remember) and I did not go to the hospital but I felt like I was dying. The sensation that I felt was very uncomfortable and I knew that was the last time I was every going to do that.  I know that it was a stupid thing to do and I thank god very much for watching over me.  That was not the worse thing that I have been through. Later in life my girlfriend got pregnant and I started to sober up because I knew that I needed to become a father and actually straighten my life out.  I smoked weed occasionally but nothing more than that.  Jaydon was born on December 19,2007 and was a very healthy baby, so I thought.  My girlfriend one night was tired and asked me to watch my son, of course I said yes and proceeded to feed him.  My son who was only around 2 months old at the time was a very good baby.  That night we ended up watching tv, and I accidentally fell asleep next to him on the bed.  Worst thing that ever happened to me was that morning that I woke up to my girlfriend screaming saying that the baby isn't breathing.  I began trying everything I could to get the ambulance over as quick as I can, while provided any sort of CPR that I could.  Obviously he was only 2 months old and he is not fully developed so I did not even know what to do.  Worst outcome that morning, the hospital pronounced him dead on arrival and I was in a state of panic.  I think this was the first time in my life that I realized how big of a **** up I am.  I obviously blamed everything that night upon myself.  Noone else is to blame but my own.  Whether it was lay over or some other cause of death was MY FAULT.  I was deeply depressed for years, which I currently still am.  Although this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, my anxiety and depression only worsened as I grew up.  I have developed fears to medicine, I have developed social anxiety very badly. I have developed dizziness spells that last all day.  My childhood was not good at all. My parents were alcoholics and my brother would steal from me all the time.  I know that the past doesn't really map out my future, but I just am trying to take one day at a time, and to try and solve my anxiety problem.  I am currently enrolled in school and everyday at school I can't think because i feel like I am in a different dimension.  Blame it on the drugs, blame it on the traumatic experiences.  The reason I am posting this is because my anxiety is so real, and so strong that I just want to hear ideas and experiences that have helped people overcome these sorts of anxiety spells.  Social anxiety, medicine anxiety, scared of just about everything, scared to have kids.  I know this post was WAYYY to long but I am to the point where I have no clue what to do anymore.  This is the first time EVER that I have posted on a site like this, so I am hoping I can get some feedback.  Lastly, keep your rude comments to yourself because I have already beat myself up about what happened and I know I ****** up royally, I am just trying to move forward with my life, but I feel stuck in this infinite loop ( I am studying computer science) and I have no way of getting out of it.
4 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
480448 tn?1426948538
First, let me say that I'm SO sorry for your loss.  I cannot even imagine the pain you must have went through, such a tragic loss.  

I agree with Paxiled 100%, I think you need intensive therapy.  Like Paxiled says, most of us with anxiety disorders can't really identify an obvious underlying cause.  MANY people with anxiety have lived perfectly happy, healthy lives, with no loss or trauma...yet they still develop anxiety.  I would be one of those people.  You have experienced traumatic losses and have struggled with a lot of things.  I think intensive therapy (not just going once a month) is the way to go.  You need to work through everything that happened, and sort through your emotions about those events.  

You can overcome this and live a normal life.  You may never be completely free of anxiety, many of us always have to stay on guard, as it never truly ever just goes away, but it can be managed.  For YOU...I think doing some serious digging and exploring is a necessity.

I wish you the best, please update us!
Helpful - 0
1696489 tn?1370821974
I AM SORRY THAT YOUR BABY WAS LOST. :'(  It is not true that past experiences do not map out our futures.  Imagine your future if you were never taught to drive a car.  It is almost like that.  Past experiences shape our perceptions and reactions to the world around us.  Experiences make us WHO we are.  And sometimes those experiences have nasty results... like Generalized Phobias.  I suggest you seek counseling for this, and see your doctor as well, to rule out any physical problems, and get you on an anti-anxiety med.  I know, no meds?  I have this problem, too.  I have since learned this: to trust my doctor's word that this medication is correct for me in the dosage he sets.  I do not read the warnings pamphlet that comes with the medicine.  Nor do i look it up on the web or read about it in the Library.  I just take it as told, expecting nothing but positive results.  This has worked wonders for me about fear of meds.  I take alot of them, and have had experience with others.  The worst thing that ever happened to me with a medication is that it did NOTHING.  I hope this is helpful. - Blu
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey man, first off I wanna say something. You are not a ****-up. Stuff happens. Sometimes really terrible stuff. It's just the way things play out. Keep using that stuff in constructive ways.

The first thing you need to do is find a good psychiatrist. I know it can be super scary to trust the medical profession. But most of them really are good, kind, caring people that want to get you better just as much as you do. Get someone to bring you there to make sure you go in and are seen. The hardest parts are the little things. The picking up the phone and giving your insurance information, the standing in the lobby waiting in the queue. It can be very overwhelming but you can do it.

The doctor will probably give you a reference for a therapist or group therapy to help you work out some stuff. It sounds like therapy could be very good for you. The doctor may also suggest an anti-anxiety medication like zoloft. You're anxiety problems may be purely circumstantial, but they may also stem from an actual medical problem - a microscopic chemical imbalance in your brain. Make sure that what is wrong really is anxiety and not something else. In my mother's case her anxiety was circumstantial. In my brother, it was actually a symptom of schizoaffective disorder. Also, if your doctor isn't being helpful (try to remain objective about it), you may even need to see a different doctor or get a second opinion.

The second thing you need to do is actually a new generalized approach to life. Approaching your life with the goal of not having anxiety can seem like a lot, but it can be attained in many small ways. Do what works for you. Keep doing normal things, getting distracted by something/concentrating hard will help. Find small ways to get yourself relaxed. I.e. i find rain soothing so i play a youtube recording of rain. Read and watch comforting, uplifting things. And try to surround yourself by friends that support you and make you feel good. Maybe even google uplifting scripture if you're religious. If you have a moment where you're freaking out with fear, excuse yourself to a quiet place, even if it's just in your mind, and give yourself a pep-talk, maybe call someone who can talk you through it.

On a side note, I just want to voice this: In regards to your child, there are several things that may possibly have happened. One, is good old SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). That may have been the culprit. Two, I have always had a hard time believing that people would harm their child by sleeping next to them/with them because that is how we have survived for millennia. Cradles are a relatively new construction in human history. This may however be my ignorance. I am just throwing it out there. I know how you must feel about it, so I really do sincerely apologize if I am only making matters worse. Three, vaccines. Yes, I am going to come out and say I am one of those crazy people that believes that not spacing out (and I mean *substantially* spacing out) vaccinations may result in an adverse reaction in a baby as they are building up their immune system.

In closing, you are not a ****-up. You can do this. One step at a time.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think what you need is intensive therapy -- though you may have already tried this -- because what you're suffering is from real stuff.  Most of us who suffer chronic anxiety have no idea why -- it just starts up and doesn't stop.  But you have this awful history working against you and in order to move on you have to learn how to let go of real things that have happened -- think of it as a sort of PTSD.  Don't expect it to be easy or guaranteed to do what you want, but it seems to be your best choice so you can let the past be the past and use the present to make up for it.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Anxiety Community

Top Anxiety Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
370181 tn?1595629445
Arlington, WA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Find out what can trigger a panic attack – and what to do if you have one.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Take control of tension today.
These simple pick-me-ups squash stress.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Want to wake up rested and refreshed?