my 22 year old son doesnt talk to me, i dont know why

[cindysu]

im 51, my son moved out a year ago.  hes visited once.  he showed up for the holidays that we have had in a year where the family gets together, thanksgiving, christmas.  He did take me out for a nice mothers day, just me and him to dinner, and he bought me some nice presents.  he does not need me, he has a business on the internet and he does very well.  he moved about 45 mins away and hes only visited one time, i have no idea what he does or how he is half the time.  once every other week, i text him and ask a dumb question just to make sure hes ok.  he never answers.  i let this go for a long time and finally after his not answering, it let to me blowing up and crying and basically being so depressed.  Why wont he answer me, he knows how i worry.  why does he not wonder how I am doing? if moms ok? sometimes i just go look at his myspace because it tells you the persons last login date, just to make sure hes alive.  hes 22, he travels back and forth to New york alot, of course i worry.  he drives fast and hes got alot of money, people could easily rob him.  i have no idea what he does, or who he hangs around.  im so worried, i am sick.  and ive tried to express this to him, but he still has the 'attitude' he has when he was 14, rolling of the eyes and acts like he cant stand me.  i thought that was a phase and once he was an adult, he would see that im just a human and that i have feelings also, but its still the same.  i feel he does not like me, and it really hurts me.  i just want to make contact once every other week but it appears he does not want to.  i dont understand and he wont talk to me.  im so depressed i cry all the time.  i cant even drop off a meal for him when i cook because it seems he wants nothing to do with me.  hes my only child and i thought it would be different, he was always my main focus.  i love him so much.

[specialmom]

To the poster, I sure hope this healed. As a mother, I know we try our best.  Time usually heals things and hopefully did between you and your son. Would love an update.

[EtM94]

Sounds like what happens when you spoil your child and they, in consequence, don’t grow up

[specialmom]

That's not helpful. At all.  Lots of things can be at play and that is quite the assumption and criticism.  

[66Gin]

Going thru the same thing, Im sad all the time . Only people that go thru this seem to understand.  Its anguishing.

[66Gin]

Going thru the same thing, Im sad all the time . Only people that go thru this seem to understand.  Its anguishing.

[Dhorne]

Kids are funny creatures. My son is 32 years old. He had a very abusive step-dad growing up. Abusive to the kids and I. I didn't know where to go or what to do so like a dummy I stayed. Lots of things he did to my son was after he sent me away to pick stuff up for him. I didn't know the full extent of what he would do. Kids left as soon as the could. Step-dad had a trucking company. I did everything but drive the trucks. Black eyes, bloody nose, and bad bruises. But I took what I thought was fair to try to help the kids. I took the beatings and tried to make up for what the kids had gone thru. Son got married and I still helped him and his wife. They started trying to have a baby. I helped him get the best job in town. He worked hard at the job. For 7 years they tried to have a baby and she finally got pregnant. Every thing was good until the labor and Lily got stuck in the birth canal. She was stuck for 10 hours. By the time she was born Lily had a stroke and now,11 months later she has 350 seizures a day. In hospitals more than out. This whole time my son has not spoken to me and I text, call,any way possible, I try to communicate, he won't. Every great once in a while he sends pictures, but that is all. I can't tell you why they don't stay in touch but, please, if you find out why, let me know. It is killing me.

[annewa]

I have a 21 year old son and I really feel as though he hates me.   He is mine and my husband's only child and we have honestly done our best to be good parents.  While I realise  it's definitely not only about monetary considerations, we sent him to the best school, took him on overseas trips, live in a lovely house, gave him a car for his 21st etc.  More importantly, I have always supported him, emotionally and socially, supporting him at school when necessary, welcoming his friends and in more recent times his girlfriend.  In many ways people wonder what my problem is - he doesn't take drugs or smoke, is at uni, works part time and is polite and respectful to other people.  It's the way he treats me that breaks my heart.  He will barely look at me, never smiles, doesn't tnitiate any conversation or show any interest in anything I do.   I am an outgoing, chatty person, but my son accuses me of asking questions and says I go "on and on".   I have tried everything I can think of, over the years, being casually friendly, not saying anything much, but nothing works.   I feel as though he is bullying me now, waiting for me to speak before pouncing on me.  He is a little better towards my husband, but then if my husband confronts him about the way he treats me, he accuses him of "siding with me".  Last week he asked us a question about whether as a guest of his friend, at a family holiday weekend it would be rude to go surfing for a short time.  I suggested he could run it by his friend's family to check if he wasn't sure.  A few minutes later, I added that maybe if he asked his friend and his friend's sister to go to the beach too, it may be better....he went mad - saying he'd only asked a question and didn't need me to do more than just answer.  Shortly after he stormed out of the house saying I "did his head in"  He's stayed at his girlfriend's since then and hasn't contacted us.  He saw his grandmother yesterday when he went to uni and told her he wasn't coming home for a little while and once again blamed it on the fact that I "go on and on and ask too many questions".  I don't ask personal quesions, only general conversational things, which he answers in monosyllables.  How else can you initiate any sort of conversation with someone who rarely speaks to you??  This is not a new thing, he's been difficult since he was about 14 years old, but it's not getting any better.  I worry that once he leaves home (he makes it clear that he only stays because he's a student and so can't afford to leave), he'll never have reason to return, as we don't seem to have any sort of relationship at all.  I love him so much and can't understand what he has to rebel about.  We've always been quite liberal parents and have done everything possible to facilitate him to have a happy life.  It absolutely breaks my heart and I wonder where on earth I've gone wrong...I feel like crying all the time and my husband tells me I have to try not to let him upset me so much.  Sometimes I think I have to accept the situation, sad as it is, just to save my sanity.  I think about it all the time and am so envious of other people who have a relationship with their adult children.  I actually work with juveniles and see the way some of them have been mistreated by their parents.  It's amazing though that despite that, they still seem to love their parents so much.  I know my son complains about me to his friends, which I find so hurful and disloyal.  Sorry for going "on and on", it's so hard to know what to do...  

[annewa]

I have a 21 year old son and I really feel as though he hates me.   He is mine and my husband's only child and we have honestly done our best to be good parents.  While I realise  it's definitely not only about monetary considerations, we sent him to the best school, took him on overseas trips, live in a lovely house, gave him a car for his 21st etc.  More importantly, I have always supported him, emotionally and socially, supporting him at school when necessary, welcoming his friends and in more recent times his girlfriend.  In many ways people wonder what my problem is - he doesn't take drugs or smoke, is at uni, works part time and is polite and respectful to other people.  It's the way he treats me that breaks my heart.  He will barely look at me, never smiles, doesn't tnitiate any conversation or show any interest in anything I do.   I am an outgoing, chatty person, but my son accuses me of asking questions and says I go "on and on".   I have tried everything I can think of, over the years, being casually friendly, not saying anything much, but nothing works.   I feel as though he is bullying me now, waiting for me to speak before pouncing on me.  He is a little better towards my husband, but then if my husband confronts him about the way he treats me, he accuses him of "siding with me".  Last week he asked us a question about whether as a guest of his friend, at a family holiday weekend it would be rude to go surfing for a short time.  I suggested he could run it by his friend's family to check if he wasn't sure.  A few minutes later, I added that maybe if he asked his friend and his friend's sister to go to the beach too, it may be better....he went mad - saying he'd only asked a question and didn't need me to do more than just answer.  Shortly after he stormed out of the house saying I "did his head in"  He's stayed at his girlfriend's since then and hasn't contacted us.  He saw his grandmother yesterday when he went to uni and told her he wasn't coming home for a little while and once again blamed it on the fact that I "go on and on and ask too many questions".  I don't ask personal quesions, only general conversational things, which he answers in monosyllables.  How else can you initiate any sort of conversation with someone who rarely speaks to you??  This is not a new thing, he's been difficult since he was about 14 years old, but it's not getting any better.  I worry that once he leaves home (he makes it clear that he only stays because he's a student and so can't afford to leave), he'll never have reason to return, as we don't seem to have any sort of relationship at all.  I love him so much and can't understand what he has to rebel about.  We've always been quite liberal parents and have done everything possible to facilitate him to have a happy life.  It absolutely breaks my heart and I wonder where on earth I've gone wrong...I feel like crying all the time and my husband tells me I have to try not to let him upset me so much.  Sometimes I think I have to accept the situation, sad as it is, just to save my sanity.  I think about it all the time and am so envious of other people who have a relationship with their adult children.  I actually work with juveniles and see the way some of them have been mistreated by their parents.  It's amazing though that despite that, they still seem to love their parents so much.  I know my son complains about me to his friends, which I find so hurful and disloyal.  Sorry for going "on and on", it's so hard to know what to do...  

[Jeanne819]

Hello there,

I was just reading your post from two years ago and wanted to follow-up to see how your relationship is with your son at this time.  I am so sorry to hear of your prior upset and can understand what you were experiencing as I am going through the same.  

This is an example of what is going on in my life.   My son, 22, never tells me he loves me after I tell him.   He has not told me he loves me in at least four years.  He and his sister have been my world, I love them with my whole heart and have always been there for them.   Always.    I say 'Kyle, I love you' and he responds with 'mmmm' I ask him why he can't tell me he loves his mom, does he love his mom?   And he says nothing.  I tell him how important is to tell his family he loves them as he would feel sad if something ever happened to me I would think.   Anyway, I am always the one to call him, text him, etc etc - and I am taking the advice of above mammo.

Something else..... Birthdays are a very big deal in our family and always have been.  We celebrate with other family, friends, I am thoughtful and giving and very very generous.  I put balloons up the night before, have decorations awaiting in the morning, etc etc ---- beautifully wrapped gifts, a wonderful dinner, cake etc etc ----

Anyway, this is what both my kids, ages 19 and 22, have grown up with.  It was my birthday last weekend and where was my son?  Out with his girlfriend's family 15 minutes away having a barbeque.  Then he and his girlfriend went off hiking.  I was with my daughter and her boyfriend and I was so hurt that he was so uncaring.  He called me on my birthday and said he was in the area and would see me (he lives 1.5 hours away) as he was in the neighborhood with his girlfriend.   He did have dinner with us at a restaurant (I paid for everyone), then left, and had no card or even a small gift for his mom.  I went home and cried and am still very hurt about this. My two kids are my world truly.

So this sounds very very immature, but his birthday is September 13 and this will really upset me to do this, but I will call him, wish him a happy birthday and not send any card or gift, and not give anything until I get something from him.    It will save me a lot of money that I don't have because I constantly give it to the kids either through gifts or financial help (they don't ask for it).  My ex is a very selfish human being, and I am truly concerned that the kids are both taking after him.   No one ever asks ' Gee, mom, and how are you doing? '  'How are you doing after your cancer'  How are you doing after driving 12 hours to daughter's college and arriving home at 3 am '  

Anyway, I am having a sad day today and would appreciate any tips on how to to deal with this.  

Thanks

I

[mammo]

Hi, if you click on my icon (mammo) it will give you an option to write to me.  While we do raise our kids to go out on their own and pursue their dreams, it is not fair of any adult child to ignore their mother, if nothing else, it's common courtesy.  Just because our children are adults doesn't mean we stop worrying about them.  Mine are both almost 40 and I still worry, and every mother I know who has adult children still worry, and want to be a part of their lives.  We NEVER stop being a parent.  If he was down and out, you can bet you'd be the first one he'd call!  I too, would stop discussing this with your mother, you can deal with it on your own.  Your son has been the center of your universe all his life, and should have been, you're not asking for much now that he's an adult.  Try to stay busy, find things to do that you are passionate about, this will give you an opportunity to meet other people and keep your mind off of all this.  Just leave your son alone, he needs to learn to take responsibility for calling you not only to let you know how he's doing, but to see how YOU are doing. If you go to the right of this page and click on "mammo" you will see a place for you to send me a message, and when I write back it will show you have a message at the top right side of the page next to "Inbox."  Stand your ground on this, and keep yourself busy.  Please write to me so we can discuss this further. Having someone who understands can help.  Take care.

[cindysu]

you are so right about everything you have said.  yes it is hard to actually do this but i must.because i have no other choice.  the other things (contacting, calling, emailing, texting) are not working, its been a year, ive done it all.  I even lowered myself to the 'guilt' thing, it did not work.  i would of written you privately but i dont know how to.  im so tired of crying, of waking up in the middle of the night and the first thing i think of is he ok? simply because i cannot even call him because he does not answer.  its ridiculous.  
its amazing to me how we go through these things and have to reach out to complete strangers to understand it and put it in perspective.  he actually told my mom i text him everyday.  he lied about that.  i tried to tell my mom this and that i only contact him every couple weeks, but she seemed to already possibly somewhat side with him.  just the way she said it, it was like she really may have thought i call him daily? theres no way.  so after that, i stopped talking to her about it.  i know the truth and the truth is that hes being a thoughtless son who acts as though he really could care less and he doesnt understand that i just wonder if hes ok, hes still so young and i dont understand why i cant pick up a phone even once a month and say hi, how are you? but it seems i really cant, and it just blows me away that it has come to this.  
thanks so much for your input, i do appreciate it, and it does make sense.

[AnnieBrooke]

I would see a therapist.  One person cannot make another person the absolute center of her universe without being off-balance all the time ... this goes for mothers with sons, teenage girls with boyfriends, wives with husbands.  You are supposed to be standing evenly on your own feet, not standing like the Leaning Tower of Pisa pointing toward your son at all times.  You raised him and sent him out into the world, that is what you were supposed to do.  Are you saying now that you didn't mean it?  He has his own path to forge.  You are plenty young enough to, in essence, start your whole life again if you want.  At the least, you have to stop obsessing on him.  

[mammo]

Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this!  It's tough on us as mothers when our adult children behave this way.  The worst thing we've ever done is love them. There are never any excuses for one's adult child to behave this way, but at 22 one can only guess what goes through their minds.  He knows you love him, and he "thinks" you will always be around, and no matter how he treats you....you'll still be there for him.  There's nothing wrong with us always being there for them until it gets to this point. You've tried discussing this with him, and now it's time to back off.  He needs to miss you, to worry about YOU! Why haven't I heard from mom, she normally has contacted me by now, etc.  I do know how hard this would be for you to do, but your son does love you and I believe that once he stops hearing from you, he will notice!  It will take time and patience on your part, but it will be well worth it in the end.  He sounds like he is very busy, and doing quite well for himself, but he knows that he will hear from you at some point so he needn't take the time to contact you. Let him experience your absence and when you do suspect him calling, emailing, or texting....don't respond right away....let him worry about you.  I know this sounds like a childish game, but in his mind "mom will always be there, I'll see or talk her soon.  By you not contacting him, and not so eager to respond when he contacts you, he will have to fear the worse and this will make him realize that he loves you and would miss you.  This realization will make him see how he has made you feel, and he will gain a new appreciation for his mom. It will take a lot of patience on your part, but at least you have a way to know he's okay during this time. My mom used to say "when they're young they step on our toes, when grown they step on our hearts."  I feel so bad for you, please feel free to write me privately if just to vent.  I wish you all the best, and do take care.