I hit my mom, I must have more then just my diagnosed anxiety and depression

[Amber98]

I punched my mom in the back, shes a 62 year old woman. (nothing too hard that it caused actual physical pain)

I feel guilty, I feel disgusted and never in a million years did i think i would put my hands on anyone. I do have terrible anger towards my mother, she hit me as a child and severely verbally abused me and neglected me. Shes also attempted suicide many times and i was always her rescuer, the first time i rescued her i was 5 years old and continued to save her life until now. She scapegoated me and turned on me as i got older, I was never loved by anyone and developed severe anxiety and depression.

Ive become very successful through hardwork in an attempt to win her love.

I should add she is a much better mother now, she used to be severely depressed and very angry when i was little. she had no support and didn't know how to handle stress so she diverted her anger upon my sister and I. Regardless, she is not abusive anymore and is actually trying to make up for her bad parenting.

She is trying her best to be the mother we never had now, but im 28 years old now. She tries to have civil conversations with me but I feel anger rising in my head and i rage out. The roles have completely reversed. Now she is quiet and doesn't say much and i get angry for no reason. I hit her just once and it was for absolute stupidity, it happened so suddenly it almost felt like i had no control, i went from 0 to 100 so quick that i dont even remember why it happened. She didnt say anything, didn't even tell anyone. She continues to try to talk to me and tell me she loves me. But i decided to go No contact with her. Mainly because I told myself if i ever lay hands on another human ever again i will simply kill myself. I know how wrong it is, and if i cant change id rather be dead. It sickens me to think im an educated person and would do this. I was in an abusive relationship and i never even hit him back.

What do I do, will i always be this way?

[brettanbates]

I would Highly recommend you to join hypnosis sessions which really works for your mother.

[AnxiousNoMore]

One hit doesn't make you a criminal but it could if you hit someone the wrong way. So you need to stop beating yourself up about this situation because you got lucky and nothing serious physically happened, however you need to figure out if this can ever happen again and if you think so, then take steps to prevent it. Even clapping a person on the back but not knowing they have an underlying condition that makes them die from the clap makes you liable, so you need to focus on 'hands off" until it doesn't become a temptation.
Studies have shown that people who say they can't control their anger around weaker people are able to control it when facing people they fear.
Looking up tools to help with anger is a start but you can't finish until you get this dealt with. Consider therapy  because one on one is likely faster than reading, and you don't want to take a chance that another mistake will happen.
Also focus on this "She continues to try to talk to me and tell me she loves me. " because you might change your mind or wish you had after she is gone.

The past is irrelevant, future plans may never come to fruition, so all anyone has is the present and that needs to be your focus.

[Paxiled]

Before everyone gets scared to death, no, you're not "liable" if you clap someone on the back just in a friendly way and they have a condition and die unless by clapping you mean slugging or hitting with intent to harm.  I'm sure Anxious wasn't meaning to go this far, I'm just reassuring folks who might read this that if you clap your friend on the back and he dies from some unknown condition, you're not liable for anything.  

[AnxiousNoMore]

It is called the "reasonable man" principle and the only way I know about it is the law professor explained it (with the example I gave you) in my biz law course. It has stuck with me over the decades since.

Your challenge sent me Googling but I got pretty bored with all the legal jargon so I can't provide any proof to you or myself other than this skimpy excerpt from one article:
The reasonable person will weigh all of the following factors before acting:

the foreseeable risk of harm his actions create versus the utility of his actions;
the extent of the risk so created;
the likelihood such risk will actually cause harm to others;
any alternatives of lesser risk, and the costs of those alternatives.

[Paxiled]

Anxious, I'm a law school graduate (as well as a law focus in graduate school in political science).  You're talking negligence law, but while the law can be pretty silly sometimes, it's usually not.  The reasonable person standard is found in all areas of the law, but it only applies if there's a case to be brought in the first place.  If you in a friendly way give someone a clap on the back and they die because of some unknown condition they have, you'd first have to prove in court that the friendly clap caused the death, which of course it didn't because the cause was the unknown health condition.  You really can't Google your way to expertise, you have to have a base of knowledge to start with.  The reasonable person standard is a term of art, and I just don't want folks on an anxiety website to start thinking everything they do now might bring them horrendous consequences.  Now, go Google proximate causation, and if you can understand that, well, good luck.

[specialmom]

First, let me say that I'm sorry about your youth and issues with your mom.  I'm glad she has gotten help but that is really not an answer to the pain she caused you when you were young.  You probably need to participate in talk therapy to work through your feelings on this.  Because if she approaches you now with either her tone that reminds you of that time in your life or her actions, you react with rage.  Enough that you lose control and have now hit her.  

My suggestion, while painful, is to limit your time with her.  She has a toxic effect on you.  We are all little kids inside and want our parents approval and you spent your whole life trying to get it.  And you are feeling terrific when she gives it to you. but if she even momentarily reverts back to a reminder of the terrible mother she was (and she was bad), you lose it.  You've not worked through it yet.  And it's not healthy for you to keep trying to put a band aid on an old wound.  You are stuck in trying to win her, love her, be loved by her, make amends, etc.  Remember, and I do have empathy for her, BUT, she had a responsibility to be a better parent to you when you were young.  She didn't do it.  No matter what she does now, it will never make that right.  It's okay to be angry about that.  It's good to get to a point though to let it go and keep her in her rightful place now. A cruddy mom who is getting better but doesn't deserve all of the emotion you feel toward her.  Does that make sense?

You also learned from her.  This is really REALLY important.  Things like abuse leave an internal impression.  You want to squash that because you may have kids someday and react with rage and anger when they do the wrong thing (which they will).  So, talking about it, recognizing it, having ways to control it ahead of time are essential.  And that can be used in all relationships such as with a future spouse, your mom or anyone.  

So, I'd get a therapist.  And if you have depression or anxiety/  make sure this is treated to the full extent.  We're here to talk through it!  Let us know how we can help!  And how it is going!

[Paxiled]

Mom, do you think avoiding solves the problem?  You might very well be right, but people do get better.  If the problem is that her Mom might relapse at some point in time, well, who might not do that?  You're kind of arguing that we should all avoid everyone who suffers from mental illness at any point in their lives because all of us who suffer from it are pretty nasty at times.  If the poster is being accurate and the Mom is no longer a problem, then the problem now is all the poster's way of thinking, and that won't get fixed by avoiding her Mom and everything else in life that triggers her anxiety and depression.  My experience with anxiety is it just floats around -- avoid one thing and it find something else to fixate on.  Your read on this situation might be a lot clearer than mine, so I'm hedging on this one -- yours might be the exact right advice and i'm staying agnostic.  I guess I'm just trying to clarify, or I should say get the poster to clarify, what the real issue is that needs to be addressed here.  

[specialmom]

I do believe in minimizing toxic people in our life and this is still a toxic mix when it results in such frustration on the posters part that he reacts with violence.  Some relationships can never be healed and while someone has changed, it does not undue the damage they did to us.  It's okay to form a new relationship if you choose to do so but it does not negate that this person wasn't much of a mom and it hurts the poster to this day.  And we all want to put band aids on our wounds.  Sometimes it's okay to realize you can't.  Doesn't mean he shouldn't speak to her or be in contact with her but perhaps it is best to keep it on the surface with distance as clearly, old patterns and pain surface easily. And therapy is very helpful to help overcome childhood wounds.  

I'm not arguing to avoid those who suffer mental illness, I argue to avoid those who have a history of outright abuse of us.  That's very different.  even if someone's mental illness was at play, that is no excuse for making a child's life a living H-E_double toothpicks.  Children are precious and deserve to be protected . . . even from their own parents.

And the trouble of comparing one person's situation to another is that anxiety is very different for different people.  Rage and anger are symptoms of anxiety for people.  But rage and anger come from being raised by an abusive parent.  The poster may need help with the anxiety, he also needs help with this relationship and until he has that, he should keep interaction at a minimum with her.  He also needs to be aware he CAN go there for when he has his own children and spouse. The cycle of abuse is real.  

[Amber98]

I thank you for seeing my side in this but I also feel that I'm staying in the victim role. I'm an adult now but realizing that besides the act I put on at work, I don't behave like one. I'm not that abused child anymore and I feel like all abusers use that has an excuse. Just like molesters who molest kids use the excuse that it happened to them. I guess that's the type of person I feel like I am. My mom recently sat with me and admitted to and apologized for my entire childhood. I see her as someone who was never loved by her parents. She's changed so much but I can never trust her. Anyways I'm definitely going no contact with her as it is a toxic relationship. I guess the big part i need help with is that even if I meditate and tell myself to breathe, not to get angry and simply have a 5 minute convo with her, the anger still comes out of no where. It scares me how uncontrollable it feels. Then I feel extremely guilty and ashamed. I have looked up tools to help with anger but none seem to be helping

[specialmom]

I see you also as someone that is dying to be loved by a mom who has a lot of problems and may never really be capable of being a true mother or loving person.  While I feel bad for her, I learned long ago that toxic people need to be minimized in our lives.  I have someone in my life like that.  It used to cause me pain but when I put that person in a box so to speak, minimizing their influence, effect or presence in my life, I was better.  Less pain.  You have a lot going inside and some you may not even be aware of that lets you get to the point where you hit someone.  That kind of rage doesn't come out of nowhere.  That is because she (your mother) damaged you and you still hurt on the inside as well as you repeat patterns in life you are exposed to as children.  Have parents who yell?  You likely will yell as an adult.  

It does sound like you see all of that on some level.

I totally TOTALLY agree that learning to control the anger is critical.  So, what you can do is try to slow your responses down.  Don't react, think first.  Notice and journal what your triggers are.  What happens right before you blow?  What sets you off or makes you tense.  Once you know that, you can do what you can to eliminate the triggers.  And those are often not able to go away completely, you can be in tune with your own reactions and modify them.  X happens, I'm starting to get upset, my breath is faster, my voice is louder, my hands are clenched, my body is tense, etc.  This is your WARNING.  When you get the warning . . .  you immediately take steps to do things that will get you out of a situation where you'll blow.  You exit and go for a walk. you go to a safe place that you've designated no one can bother you there (bathroom?).  You open and close your fists which gets your blood moving appropriately.  You take deep breaths (in for three hold out for three hold and repeat). You can count to 10.  You can write in a journal expressing all the thoughts you are having.  This will hopefully prevent you from going to X (trigger event) to Z (blow up).  Focus on Y and de escalating things.

good luck

[Paxiled]

All religions and most secular philosophies discuss what to do about people who have hurt us in the past.  Whether or not you choose to have contact with your mother, and I'm still stuck on you telling us she has changed and all we know about this situation is what you've told us, we're not there to see it, but again, whether or not you choose to have contact with your Mom isn't really the immediate issue here.  Anger is quite often a symptom of depression, more than with anxiety, but with anxiety as well.  Religions and philosophers tend to look at this in terms of mercy or forgiveness or acceptance, but that doesn't mean you have to trust the person or put yourself in harm's way.  What it does try to teach is it does you no good at all to hang onto the anger and the pain to the extent it interferes with your current life.  It will just be poison in your system.  I can't tell you how to overcome this, I'm not great at overcoming things, but it would make you a lot happier if you can overcome it.  For a third time, this doesn't mean you need to have contact with your Mom if she's still a toxic person today and not the reformed person you first describe in your original post.  It does mean not hanging onto all this grief will just make your life today better.  I hold onto a lot of resentment about how I've been treated after I became ill but I gotta tell you, it does me no good.  I hope you prove better than I am at acceptance and overcome this with all the help you need to do that.  I always think therapy is a good place to do this, but I'd also recommend researching Buddhism on this aspect of life -- they've come up with a lot of practical ways to deal with life without having to convert to some club you don't care to join and who knows, maybe it will click with you and help some.    

[Paxiled]

If you don't fix the problem, then yeah.  What are you doing to tackle your depression?