Im tired of this up and down!

[soulsurfer302]

Well long story short im a 21 yr old recovering alcoholic addict with close to three years sober. I have been a guinea pig since 17 when I first overdosed on cocaine during alcohol DT's which lead to a serious seizure that I was not treated for, my college roomates just left me on the floor and watched me shake and foam out the mouth. I can't explain what happened but i had been drinking whiskey and beer religiously from a very young age and seemed to have a very high tolerance for it. I also smoked reefer all the time for years and functioned just fine...I thought. all the sudden one day I started to experience crazy anxiety when i smoked and the only way i could functon was with alcohol in me all day or benzo's. I went to the school nurse and was prescribed librium 1 week, valium 1 weex and xanax 1 week. I snorted all of them and abused them because they made me feel normal not drunk just normal. Well i left college for winter break and had no benzo's and decided to stay sober because it was destroying my life. For the past 4 years I have dealt with anxiety, which led to depression and the worst feeling in the world a state of out of body experience, where i get so confused and blurred that when i look in a mirror or try and drive or function i have trouble feeling like its me doing it and it feels like im staring out of a head but just not all connected. I have tried maoi inhibiters, zyprexa, and a hundred different meds to stop this constant panic attack im in. Finally they put me on klonopin 1 mg. 3x daily, 20mg. of lexapro, and 50mg. of lamictal. Well that was great for some time but im now in the stage where im getting ready to start nursing school and the out of body feelings are still there off and on. I meditate, i am active and healthy physically from surfing skating and working out, but i just cant take this crazy mind f@#k that has made me so paranoid and ocd mentally with thinking am i crazy or will this go away or its gone no now its back. I mean at one point i would have to talk myself through taking a shower because it feels like im just doing these actions but its not connecting with my brain. So the klonopin has started to not work as well after 3 years of the same dose and to top it off ive tried to ween off of it like 3 times long term and just ended up bat **** crazy and out of my gourd. Even on the benzo's i can feel my heart race and pulsate throughout my chest, fingers, and jaw and face to the point that it makes my teeth click from the pulses. I just saw my psych and told him that im fed up with these feelings that ive been experincing for since i was 17 and well he put me on a new benzo, diazepam. well ive been taking it for 4 days now at 5mg. 3x daily and it wears off in like an hour and half, so i had to take some klonopin with it and ive been trying to only take the klonopin when my heart starts to feel like its going to blow up but this just isnt healthy and i dont want to live this way. on top of all this after the seizure i have trailing visions, like blurs of light that just move when i move my eyes and at one point it looked so fuzzy that it was raining. even on the klonopin i also have this thing when i close my eyyes my head feels as if its just moving all over the place. ive learned to live with that and the eye and neurologist doctors say that they guess i did some brain damage and they dont see a problem. Should i just increase the klonopin or mix the valium with it 3x daily. i dont know what to do, im not depressed just frustrated and afraid that if i dont find the right mix of medication and dosage that i will loose it soeday down the road. i hate the fact that im dependent on klonopin just to make it through a day, let alone when im a RN working night shift and making critical decisions with peoples lives i have to take it through the night just to function at a level where im not wigging out or having to be hospitalized for heart palputations. Please doc help i want to be succesful and be on an even keel. I accept the fact that i may have damaged my brain but i need help to function in life because i wont give up and let my past actions ruin me! anyone with advice please respond! Thanks for your time!

[soulsurfer302]

Thank you for the support. Its so nice to hear that there other people who feel that disassociation feeling that ive been dreadfully having since 2005 and Im just so thankfull that i found this website. Anyone on here who can even give a bit of their own personal experience with anxiety and how they cope and maintain a functioning life is amzing. Im actually going to see the psych tommorrow and stop the valium and just lay it flat to him so i can make some headway. Im just so tense and my mind is so obssesed with the thoughts of panic and am i feeling better or no here it is and god i feel so spacey and confused. i think im gonna ask him about therapy for the dissasociation and go from there. Thank you so much...I actually just meditated my self through some pretty horrid anxiety and to read your comment was like a breathe of fresh air! Thank you!

[atticus565]

Don't beat yourself up for needing a drug to get through the day. A lot of us here need medication just to function. I'm on paxil which I know is a little less extreme than klonopin, but I need it and I realize this. If you're uncomfortable with becoming too dependent on klonopin (which is understandable considering its reputation), talk to your doctor and find another medication that you're comfortable with. You need to experiment and work with your doctor to find the right combination of medications to find that even keel you're seeking.
             I also want to tell you nice job on kicking the bottle and your other drug habits. That can be a really hard case to crack. I know. My father suffered with it for three decades and has now been sober for three years. Honestly, I think you've already found some great ways to cope with your anxiety by staying healthy, active, and sober. You're in school, surfing, and sound to be a reasonably healthy person outside of your depersonalization problem (which I also experience practically every day). Good luck to you and nice job.