Irrational thoughts...

[callain]

Hi everyone,

It feels quite strange for me to be writing this, but I think I need to start talking about it if I'm ever going to get anywhere.  I'm coming on here as I don't really want anyone close to me to know about this until I have a better understanding of it.

The thing is, overall, I'm quite satisfied/happy with my life.  I'm in a good relationship, I have a good job (in my opinion) and I've recently managed to get my own place (with my boyfriend).  The problem I have is this:  If I ever do something and feel embarrassed, I  kind of want to die, and start thinking of the different ways I could kill myself... e.g. if I get confused over something simple at the train station, I think, I could just step out in front of the train and then no one else would have to know about it or I wouldn't have to face up to it any more.  

I know, even at the time, that these thoughts are stupid.  I know there are people who care about me, and there is no reason for me to kill myself.  I also know that I hate pain and would never be able to go through with it.  The problem is, this doesn't stop me getting these feelings.

Also, I don't know if it's related, but while driving I often worry/think about the fact that maybe a lorry or another car will smash into me, then start thinking about the chain of events following that, or different variations on what could happen - would it kill me? would it wreck my car but I'd be OK?  I also daydream quite a lot and play out scenarios (some quite positive, others embarrassing) in my head.  This only just came to mind but I don't know if it's actually related.

All of these kinds of thoughts actually started in my early teens.  At one point I actually felt like no one cared and I really did want to die, but my baby brother had just been born a year before and I thought about him and how he'd feel growing up knowing he'd had a sister he could never know because she committed suicide.  When I was younger my mum just thought all of this was for attention, and I never sought or received help for it.  She knew I'd never go through with anything and had her own problems to deal with anyway.

I guess what I really want to know, is how common these kinds of thoughts are - if this is normal or if there's something wrong, why I might be feeling this way, and if there's anything I can do to control it.  I really worry about the fact I get these thoughts and that they may cause problems for me long-term.

[Aleksandar]

i get those irrational thoughts like what is present and what is past :D lol :| i hate myself when that happens :/ damn... :) i hope i will get over this condition ... i feel better then i felt 1 month ago :D

[callain]

Well I saw the GP Tuesday, and he gave me a questionnaire to fill out, and mentioned the possibility of taking anti-depressants.  He certainly didn't seem too keen on therapy...  I'm not really convinced anti-depressants would be best for me though, I'm quite concerned about side-affects and addiction.

[callain]

Thanks, it does help to know I'm not the only one at least...

I've got an appointment with a GP on Tuesday morning, so I'll probably bring it up then and see if I can see a psychiatrist, but not sure how far I'll get.

[hey3]

Hey, I completely understand. I have had these kind of thoughts since I was between 9 and 12 years of age. I have been to therapist and taken SSRI's but still had the thoughts while taking the medication. My therapist told me once that once the mind has this pattern of thinking (the way nuerons connect with each other) it is really hard to stop it if not impossible. He told me even when I don't notice I am doing it more than likely I am. Weird huh. I have just tried to accept it and when it gets really distrubing I side tract my mind with something like a movie or I go jogging. Mine started when my sister (it may have started before this but I didn't notice it) told me that one day we were going to come home and find our parents dead because my dad had killed my mom and then himself. That has been years ago and the parents are divorced so I don't have this one anymore but I create stuff in my head all the time. I have the same suicide one that you do.

After so much therapy though, sometimes I do this in more of a positive since which seems strange because I definitely catch it when it is positive.

I wish I could give you more encouragement. But just know that you aren't alone on this one. I really don't know how common it is.

[chantelle23]

hey It sounds like you have had a horrific time growing up which could be part of why you have these thoughts/emotions.,

wel it does sound like anxiety so i would speak to your GP tell him what you have told us and ask him/her about any help available - there is help out there so dont give up even if it is asking questions on this forum!!!!!!!! we are here to help if and when we can and to listen to others.

take care and keep me informed of how you are getting on

[callain]

The problem with psychiatrists, is you need to be referred to them, or pay a lot of money for one as far as I'm aware, and I'm not sure if a GP would consider this serious enough to refer me on the NHS.

The suicidal thoughts are only when depressed, or upset or embarrassed, so they're emotional, but the what if thoughts are pretty much all the time.

As for things happening in my life...

When I was 7 my parents got divorced (and fought a lot), which happened at the same time as my best friend being murdered.  I can talk about this now without being upset by it, but I don't know if it's had other effects on me subconsciously - I remember very little about both events.

And, when I was growing up as a teen, my brother was violent.  He threatened me a few times (with knives/belts etc), had his hands round my neck once, and I would at times be scared for my life (once I locked myself in the conservatory and hid so he wouldn't be able to get to me).  Between the ages of about 14 and 17 I would cry myself to sleep most nights because of his arguments with my mum.  I'm also still very nervous around him and worry a lot about saying the wrong thing...

[ILADVOCATE]

It would depend on whether these are obsessive thoughts that have no emotional content or whether you feel depressed when they happen. Any suicidal thoughts are of concern and need to be talked over with a psychiatrist. But its important to note whether at that time your mood changes or whether they are just random obsessive thoughts. Speak that over with a psychiatrist but it should be noted the medications used for ocd (SSRI anti-depressents) work on depression as well and you could have both but only a psychiatrist could make a conclusive determination.

[juliesculpt]

There is a branch of OCD called "Pure O" that has to do with unwanted thoughts and visions getting stuck in a persons mind and replaying over and over again...Many people suffer from this, it is a form of anxiety.  I have had times when strange or repulsive thoughts get stuck in my head, and I think my anxiety has an element of obsessive thought to it, so I can definately sympathize with you.  I thnik that part of the solution is to accept these thoughts for what they are and know that they can't harm you or anyone else...but that is certainly easier said than done.  there is another site called panic survivor with an OCD forum that has posts about this.. if you google it, it should come up..hope that is of some help

[chantelle23]

hi

i cant say i have these thoughts all the time however i can relate to over taking a lorry - i have to put my foot down to pass them quick coz sometimes i think what if.

has anything happened in your life where you have lost someone/something close to you which could make you feel this way?

have you thought about seeing a therapist, they may be able to help you figure out why you express these emotions/feelings.

good luck let me no how your get on!!!