Pretty sure my brain is broken.

[christineyvette]

Bear with me this is a long one.
So back during Thanksgiving in October (i'm Canadian) I went through something tramatizing (atleast for me) I forced myself to go to thanksgiving dinner 30 minutes away to see my dads side of the family. I'm agoraphobic. I only went to make my dad happy cause I didn't want him to get fed up because I didn't go somewhere again because of my anxiety. The WHOLE time was absolute hell. I had panic attack after panic attack and had to eat infront of everyone at the table. I'm not comfortable with this side of the family and it sucked. I sucked it up even though I wanted to leave 10 minutes in. I was tired of letting people down. When we finally left my anxiety was so damn bad. I remember repeating to myself over and over "im almost home. Almost to my room. Almost to my comfort." I dry heaved so bad in the car which doesn't help my emetephobia thinking that I was sick and I don't need that ontop of what I thought was me dying. Once I got home the derealization kicked in. Everything looked foreign to me and I was still anxious as hell. The anxiety lasted all night and I slept like crap and kept waking up with my heart racing. The next day I couldn't eat and was dry heaving due to the anxiety and worrying that I possible got sick somehow. I had a loose stool which further ingrained that hell im sick! GREAT! I felt like I had no control over anything. My body, my thoughts. It was ******* awful and I remember saying that i'm never leaving the house again after feeling like this. The anxiety gradually went away after a week but I still would eat and then get anxious about having a loose stool which would make me anxious which would stir up my guts. I kept thinking something was wrong with me cause of the nervous poops. It went away and I went back to normal. Then about 3 weeks later I went to see my therapist and I came home and went on Netflix and then fell asleep. I dont remember falling asleep.

[christineyvette]

I woke up within an hour full of a lump in my throat and bad derealization. I thought "what is wrong with me?!" I can't feel like this again. I'm dying! That night the anxiety came back and still hasn't left. I remember wanting my mom because she knows how to deal with this and she didnt live with me at the time as my parents seperated a year and a half ago. I then convinced myself that something bad would happen without my mom coming home. I needed her around. She would always be with me during my bad times when I was younger and I wanted her to be around this time because my dad nor my sisters helped and made me more anxious. I got set in my mind that I was gonna get them to let my mom come home no matter what. They kept telling me no because she and my dad are toxic with eachother and it would do no good. They called me dramatic and too old to have my mother around. I cried and threw things and tried to get them to understand. My mom came and stayed the night with me for 2 nights and on the second night I was determined for her to stay and move back in. My sisters and dad did not agree. It was a **** show. Arguing, my grandparents came over and me and my sister got physical. I was so set that if I didn't have my mom with me with this anxiety, or what felt like my brain dying then something bad would happen. I remember she said she had to go and that she couldn't move back in with these people who didn't treat her well. (They don't) And I remember thinking "okay If I sit here and stare at the wall and not say anything then they'll think i'm bad enough that I need my mom to come home and get me through this bad time like she used too.) I did that. Nothing happened. She left and I cried for hours till I finally fell asleep. I couldn't eat cause everytime I did I would dry heave. My mom suggested that I go to the ER. I did and I explained the family situation, my anxiety ect. This was ******* tramatizing because back when I was 13 and my panic attacks first started I had to go because I was so anxious and thought I was dying so this brought back those memories which furthured the anxiety. I went home and I still wanted my mom home so I shut my family that I lived with out. I told them to leave my alone, thinking they would get the message that "hey shes not okay we'll try to help her" They just ignored me and didn't talk to me. The nights were the worst. I would get intrusive thoughts because I punched my sister in the face during our argument and I kept thinking "oh my god what I could kill her!?" So I avoided her. I would never hurt a fly. The intrusive thoughts, the anxiety, the tramautic hospital flashback, it all felt like my brain was breaking. My dad told me my moms not coming back it's not happening and she and I should get a place. I still wasn't listening. I wanted my family to be a family again. I wanted her home. I remember telling my dad I was running away when I just went to the forest and sat there because I was expecting him to see that I was bad and that he would let my mom come home. He didn't do anything. I came back home and I woke him up and just kept asking her "why? why cant she come back home" He explained rationally and such but my brain couldn't take it. I wasn't going to go through anxiety without my mom in the house to tell me im okay. To be a family again. We all fell apart when she left and I kept it inside and didn't deal with it. I got mad and I went to my room and cut myself. I felt out of control of everything. I was just trying every way to get them to see how I was suffering. He grabbed me and asked my why I did that. I didn't want to die nor was I suicidal. I just needed them to see. It was stupid now looking back on it. After that I looked online and applied to all the places and was just rushing. I had to be with my mom. I wasn't gonna stay there and have horrible anxiety where nobody cared. We got a place and I had to leave the house to sign the lease twice which was terrible. I had 40 heart palpatations in a 24 hour period and thought If i did any walking or exersize my heart would give out. I wasn't thinking I was rushing when I went to the rental office. I would tell my mom "lets get this over with" I couldnt even enjoy any of it cause of my anxiety over my symptoms and what happened. We got the place and moved in on January 5th. It's now the 16th and the anxiety is still here. When I shut out everyone and didnt touch my phone or do anything that would show them I was getting better so they wouldn't think that this was a one time thing im stuck in that cycle. I still get intrusive thoughts. I watch tv and wonder "do we ever wonder why we live day in and day out doing the same old thing?" If I hear a song or something that I heard in my childhood during that first scary hospital time then my whole body flares up in anxiety. If I get a text, anxiety through my body. Eveything is so hypervigilant and I feel out of my body and all that is in my head is what happened and how I felt. I still feel derealization, depersonlization. Whenever I see cops or abulances I panic. When I see my own father and sisters I get instant panic. I only feel semi normal if i'm in my room on my computer and even then i'm still always anxious. My thoughts don't stop. "Why do we do this? What is the point of life? How come i'm not like so and so? Does that person worry about things?" My mind wont shut up. I'm scared to exersize because of the heart palpatations and getting my heart rate up. I still get scared to eat heavy foods because it might lead to a loose stool which might lead me into thinking I will throw up. The only time I feel calm is when I take my Seroquel at night and sleep. Even then I wake up every hour or so. I sleep all day and im up all night. I feel like my brain is broken. It's a tumor. I'll never feel normal again. If I become fixated on a show, for example i've been watching ER and I can't watch anything else because I get a surge of anxiety. Like what the hell? I swear my brain is misfiring. What the hell happened to me?

[Paxiled]

Who knows what the hell happened to any of us on here?  The only thing I can say is, whatever meds you're on aren't working.  Are you in therapy?  Do you have a psychiatrist?  Because whatever you're doing isn't working and you're young enough to find something that might.  I wonder, did this stuff start when your parents realized they couldn't live together?

[christineyvette]

No. I had no problem with it but I think I was denying it to myself because I had no say in the situation. It was until the bad incident at thanksgiving that it all went to ****.