Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Is this HOCD or what is happening to me?

I'm a 15 years old boy and 3 months ago ,I had a normal and happy life as a straight boy until i triggered an obsession(I might do grammatical mistakes,i'm not a native speaker of english).Well , I always been afraid of gay people ,I couldn't even think about 2 men having sex or kissing without getting desgusted and anxious.I couldn't understood them like"What is in their mind?How could you do that with another man?" When I was watching movies with my parents/friends/myself ,if would appeared a scene with gay ,I would skip that part ,I would be too scared ,terrified I could say ,about that scene.
Instead ,I was always attracted to women.I remember that I was in nursery school when I had my first crush (a girl) I think I was 6.At the age of 11, for the first time I was really attached to a girl from my school  ,we were talking daily ,I blushed every time when I saw her and I was thinking a lot about her and I liked her 2 years or more.That was the first time when I felt love.(At least ,maximum that you could feel at that age).After her I fell in love with many girls.I started to masturbate on straight porn at the age of 10. In general ,I was masturbating a lot (On streight porn,only straight porn).Well ,everything start this year ,on my first high school year.In november 2015 I fell in love again ,but this time was different ,every feeling was intensified.I used to see her daily ,I'm pretty sure that I came to love her but we wasn't in an official relationship..In December 2015 we broke up like we don't even talk to each other anymore.
Now ,the hell begins...On the day of 7 January (I will never forgot this date all my life) ,I got a little bit drunk with some friends and we were walking on the street late night.When a friend of mine (drunk as well) kissed me on the cheek and in my mind I was like (What the fu*k?).Anyway ,when I came home ,I watched some male models ,I used to watch pictures with male stars like David Beckham ,Brad Pitt ,etc I watched them just to see how they dress ,how they act ,I was admiring them.And the next second I told myself "What the f*uck ,a friend of mine kissed me on the cheek ,now I'm watching males ,what the f*ck?" then I started to ask myself like "What if I liked that kiss?" ,"What if i'm gay?" And then, I was terrified ,I think I was never in my life more scared then I was in that moment.Next day ,I didn't think on something else ,I was starting the obsession.It took a week ,all that week I thought only about "What if i'm gay?" "My life would be destroyed" ,I was totally disgusted about that thoughts and I couldn't get rid of them.The thoughts stopped for a few days because I started to be attracted of a girl from high school but I passed her (I found out that she is not my type of girl that I like).After that ,the intrusive thoughts appeared again but intensified this time.I was scared ,at school ,I didn't let another male classmates to approach me ,I avoided all my classmates (boys) because I thought that I might start like them.When I was walking on the street ,I looked to men to see if i'm attracted to them and something in my mind started to tell me that i am attracted to them and i was like "No,No,please no,im streight".More attention I paied ,more powerful and real thoughts started to look like.I started to imagine myself kissing another man ,i was totally desgusted and scared ,I felt a thrill in my body.I started to do a lot of tests ,watching gay porn to see if i'm aroused (I never got hard on them) ,imagine myself kissing with another man to check how i feel.I started to read about gay stories and sexual orientation to make sure that i'm not going to turn gay.I eliminated from my behavior every gesture that might "be gay" ,I started to pay attention on the way that I walk,the way that I stay on the chair,the way that I talk...just to make sure that my behavior streight.I was never faithful in God ,I considered myself atheist but after a mouth of this crap I started to belive in God ,I started to pray for myself ,I choose to die then being gay.All this time I couldn't think to something else.I don't watch my favourite TV Shows or movies anymore because i'm afraid that I might be attracted to male actors.I got anxious even when I pronounce the word "homosexual".BUT ,I fell again in love with another girl ,I got into a relationship with her,I really liked her and my intrusive thoughts stopped,again.The relationship lasted just 2 weeks,after we broke up.I liked the way that she kiss,the way that she looks,she is a beautiful girl,but I found out that she wasn't honest with me.After that relationship,thoughts about being gay came back,OCD told me something like "You re not really attracted to girls" and that made me sick.Everything was intensified ,I had moments when I was convinced that i'm gay ,I started to cry.All these thoughts were killing me ,made me sick  ,I was disgusted ,I started to hate myself.I was asking myself 24/7 "What if im gay?" "What if I always been gay and i'm just in denial".I felt like a scratch on my brain.I checked myself looking to pictures with naked man to see if i'm aroused (I always passed that test,I never got aroused)I became tired of all this crap ,I just wanted my past life.I started to sleep a lot (11-12-13 hours,I read that this is produced by stress)I started to read more about HOCD and I perfectly found myself there.I started to learn more about some therapies like CBT and ERP.I started to told myself "These are just thoughts ,it's just in my head ,I have the power to do what I want to do,this thoughts are totally unrealistic and can't turn me gay if my whole life I was attracted to women".We are approaching from my actual condition.
The anxiety was reduced ,I started to recover myself.The thoughts were reduced ,for the first time I started to enjoy my life with less stress ,masturbating at streight porn without asking myself if I am aroused by the women from the video or the man.I started to realise that all this staff was a big crap ,a week ago I was like "What was in my mind?".I realised that everything was just in my mind ,was just ocd telling me all those lies.That happened one or two weeks ago..But 4-5 days ago ,the thoughts came back ,but this time ,I wasn't anxious anymore ,they didn't scare me anymore ,And I was "wtf?".I started again with compulsions,checking myself ,imagining myself kissing a guy and im not scared about that anymore...But then ,OCD (I hope is still OCD) made me ask myself "What if it doesn t make me anxious because i m gay and i like these thoughts"...And this make me sick..I just don't want to be gay ,I want to be straight ,hanging with girls.Last night I found on facebook a beautiful girl and she is in my high school ,I thought about her all night ,I like her a little ,I think she is so beautiful,I feel so right when i'm imagine myself with her.But after a few seconds OCD (I hope is still OCD) tells me that I don't really like her (But in my mind I know I like her).Today ,in the bus station I saw a pretty girl ,I was looking sideways at her ,even in the bus,I was looking at her.When I came back from school ,I saw a guy on the street and checked myself imagining what I would feel If I would kiss him and we would be in a romantic moment.And my OCD (Again,I really hope OCD) made me feel that I like that ,that I might fell in love with him,and im not so anxious like i used to be,and this is scaring me ,when i'm thinking about that,in my mind i'm just telling myself "no,no,no,is disgusting,no,no" but i'm wondering why it doesn't scratch my brain anymore when I'm thinking about that.Actually ,the fact that i'm not anxious ,make me anxious ,nervous.If you read all of my story,you're a hero,now,what do you think about that?Is just OCD struggling or all of this nightmare that lasted more than 3 months really might turn me gay?I can't find a man attractive like the way that I see a woman but somthing in my head keeps telling me that i'm in denial.
2 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I think you're right,thanks for you're comment
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You're either gay or you're not, and you apparently aren't.  But it wouldn't hurt to see a therapist or other professional to talk out why you've developed this insecurity about yourself and allow yourself to move on.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Anxiety Community

Top Anxiety Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
370181 tn?1595629445
Arlington, WA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Find out what can trigger a panic attack – and what to do if you have one.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Take control of tension today.
These simple pick-me-ups squash stress.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Want to wake up rested and refreshed?