Lost..confused..no hope?

[Joshxiety]

Well, i'll start this off............ar age 6-12 I had awful headaches, and I would vomit nonstop (im not sure if this was due to stress...I just thought i'd throw that out there.. . at around age 13 I started getting severe, HORRIBLE panic attacks, afraid of death every single day 24-7 etc Saw some talk therapists, hypnosis therapists I refused medications ..The panic subsided and I went into this strange "dream" state floating..and social interactions were very awkward..well that went away I got my first girlfriend, job etc..and I resumed a normal, happy life.. a minor attack here and there but nothing my rational self couldn't easily calm down..

Well of of three months ago, I got laid, off we moved into a small basement apartment where I share a room with my 31 year older brother, needless to say privacy is lacking... I recall waking up from a bad dream with a panic attack but then quickly shurgging it off and going back to sleep..I began having panic and anxiety all over AGAIN, one major attack..but the symptoms much different... I was felt extremely "out of body" and people talking to me were like they didnt even exist.. I began thinking extremely paranoid almost as if im trapped in some matrix like dream and nothing is real... which lead me to be anxious over the fact.. maybe i'm going nuts..maybe this just isnt anxiety..maybe I have some weird-yet to be defined sickness with no cure and im going to live the rest of my life in torment...well after a few weeks of being active again I managed to yet again get over that..up until last week I started getting "heart flutters" here and there no biggie a lot of people get them they went on for a few days but then ceased.. Ok All good and dandy.. I go out friday night for halloween weekend..have a great time drinking having fun etc.. I wake up to a huge snow storm..all the power goes out..now i'm trapped in this basement apartment with no lights no electric no distractions.. I have a HUGE full blown panic attack and I take two 0.25mg xanax..which really didnt do anything.. I was so nervous and obsessed over my heart.. not really the fact i may "die" just the trauma and stress of having the fear and feeling my heart beat out of my chest and knowing there is nothing I can do to stop it.. So the powers been out for 4 days now and i've been taking 0.5mg of klonopin..they seem to work however I am trapped in this deep dark spiral of torment almost like I'll never get out and there is no hope...both of my brother s are drug addicts and I feel incredibly guilty for taking these klonopins.. I also am so afraid of every little thing now in worry it may set off these uncontrollable obsessive thoughts of my heart beating fast and there is no way I can stop it but just..to die..or call 911... ( I have no medical insurance by the way) I'm not suicidal but I feel like there is no way out or hope for me..and Im worried the pills wont even work sometimes..does anyone else feel this way? I cant ******* take it.. I just want to be normal again... it's like sometime my mind is calm and relaxed like ahhhh shut up man you're fine relax..and then other times its just NO NO IT'S GOIN FEEL IT? CANT STOP IT THERE YOU GO..it's like im so traumatized from the attacks too..

[Joshxiety]

Boise, is the reason you've got to be up early tomorrow anything particularly important? I know if i have to be up early, really for anything..I get antsy and can't sleep..but never really panic..

I notice myself that when i am in a routine that I keep..my anxiety is low..for example work..gym.. etc..  I noticed my anxiety started up when I lost my job and stopped working out so much when I use to be heavy into it..

I was 14 obsessing over my heart..and I beat it..for 7 years I told myself nothing is wrong.,..how could I even let my mind worry about it again after having it and beating it, like how stupid?  But it's just not in my logical control..and I feel as if ive been traumatized so badly by the panic that the thought of having an attack alone is a trigger.. I will admit that my panic attacks last 30 minutes+ always..and even when they are over I am never calm..I just feel so dark and there i can't do anything because i never know what will trigger it.. I just want to stay asleep

[BoiseErin]

I feel the same way right now. I just woke up with my heart racing and feeling so hot and sweaty and afraid. I ate a big salty restaurant meal with wine too and wonder if that's the cause? I need to be up particularly early this morning, as does my bf, which is only feeding the anxiety loop.

[Joshxiety]

Sometimes it's as if i know nothing is wrong yet..it's like somebody put my brains gear into overdrive and it just will not stop going..as i type this now im starting to get nervous it's like a teetor totter  if im going to go into full blown panic or not..with obviously no logical reason I..staring at a klonopin but i dont want to take it because I feel guilty doing it..and my heart is starting to beat fast... It's just im worried that my heart will maybe beat so fast and never stop or something..its like something is just clawing my head telling me fear fear fear no calm" lol

[rls27]

The first thing you need to do is realize that your biased worries are overriding years of medical science. Does that make sense? Think about it...a doctor has gone through what, 8 years of medical school, internships, hundreds if not thousands of patients...he has the latest advanced technology at his fingertips, the most advanced medical labs ever...all of this medical evidence stands before you, yet Josh's fear is stronger than medical science which has told you there is nothing wrong with your heart.

The only thing which is real is your "thoughts" that you have a heart condition....you don't actually have a heart condition. Yet, these thoughts are so powerful they are paralyzing you and consuming your life. I know because I have been there.

You must learn to accept that you have health anxiety. Once you've accepted it, you just have to realize it's going to be there, and it's the anxiety that is telling you worry about your heart...not the doctors, not the nurses, not technology. Don't try to fight it and don't even try to ignore it. Accept it, it's here, but you have a choice to curl up and allow it to defeat you or you can choose to do something else. Something constructive, or something that makes you happy. The more you try to fight the anxiety the stronger it gets, let it ride it's course and when you feel it coming on, recognize it for what it is...a series of thoughts which you have given power to, and they are all based on unfounded fears.

[Joshxiety]

Thanks RLS, have you ever had that deep dark view almost on everything..like nothing has it's color or nothing to look forward too because you're trapped within this anxiety? And any advice for when I start feel my obsessive thoughts about my heart coming on? They are making me miserable.. I have a klonopin here but I am trying to hold off on them.. Ive had check ups years ago extensive and nothing was wrong with my heart, had an ekg around a year ago was fine.. but still what if? sigh

[rls27]

You have to remember that you've recently gone through two very stressful events in your life...the loss of a job and moving to a different residence. That's a lot for anyone to handle, but for someone with a history of anxiety or depression, that can be devastating. My point is, your anxiety is not misplaced or inappropriate considering the circumstances.

Changes can often be triggers for anxiety attacks. Sometimes even a good change may trigger an attack or elevated levels of anxiety. Try to get into a healthy routine. Spend as little time as you have to in the apartment since this is probably going to be a temporary arrangement until you can get back to work and things start to look up. You're not going crazy, you just think you are...two different things entirely.