MRI results are in... I'm depressed, angry, yet relieved?

[cnote]

33 Male. A lot of you have ready my previous posts over the past 2 years or more than that. I've been on this forum for about 9 years. Insane!

I will sum up my story/history as fast as I can first, in case this can help other people, or help them relate.

I've suffered from anxiety off and on from 2007. It was really bad for a few years, then when I decided that the meds were making me worse, I weened off of them in 2011/2012, and have been a different person ever since. IN A GOOD WAY!

Yes, I actually got better after getting off of my Ativan (Lorazepam).

Now, my current story.

2 years ago, I was doing a lot of running, b/c I still get some mild anxiety here and there. One day I noticed when I got an erection before having relations with my wife, my penis hurt. It was REALLY ODD. But i thought nothing of it. I just simply thought I strained something.

After 2 weeks of this, I finally went to the Dr., and he said I probably just pulled a muscle, and sent me home. NO biggie. Then that night, I started having bladder pain from HELL. It felt like I was holding my urine 24/7. The worst pain being a 10, and it was an easy 9.

I also was dribbling a lot, had a split stream, my urethra burned, my penis was cold and shrinking... it was SCARY! I ran back into my Dr's office the next day, and he just said I probably had a UTI. I was like "WHA!?? Guys don't get those usually." He tested me and I was NEGATIVE. But he gave me an antibiotic just incase.

I took the antibiotic for 2 weeks, and NOTHING changed. I was in the worst pain of my life. I'm surprised I was able to keep my job, but I just kept pushing through. I lost so much sleep at night. Feeling like you have to pee 24/7. Awful.

Then my lower back was hurting too. I went back to the Dr., crying, and he said "you have low back pain now? Then it's probably from pinched nerves in your back. You need good stretching and massage."

I was in tears.. I finally got a massage, and it DID help... however, I was left with BAD back pain for 10 months straight. My Dr. didnt do anything about it, nor take me serious.

Finally last June of 2015 I MADE him do an x-ray. My x-ray found an extra transverse vertebrae, but that was about it. The final x-ray report said "NEGATIVE."

Slowly over 2016, I started hurting more in my lower back, getting some relief from my chiropractor, and kept getting massage. However, I was starting to get BAD KNOTS too in my shoulder blades, shoulders, butt and low back.

I kept going back and forth to my Dr. with NO answer, and NO CONCERN. He just kept telling me that my anxiety was the problem.

Well, last week... I had an intervention with my Dr. I told him that I NEED AN MRI, AND I NEED ONE NOW. I told him I'm TOO YOUNG for all this crap.

He finally said "Okay... but this is just your anxiety making you do this. What are you going to do after this? Hopefully see a psychiatrist? Because you need it to help with your anxiety."

I had my MRI on Monday. The Radiologist asked me my symptoms I've had over the past 2 years, I told him about my bladder, erection pain, low back pain, leg weakness etc. He was in SHOCK that my Dr. waiting THIS LONG to do an MRI or a CT.

I'm not going to lie. A BIG part of me was expecting the MRI to show ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I thought my Dr. could be right that ALL of this is ANXIETY, and just tight muscles putting pressure on nerves.

NOPE.

My MRI results came in my online medical records yesterday. I read the results. I'm NO doctor. But when it read "minor disc bulge in L3.-4, and Broad-Base disc bulge in L4-5", BINGO. I knew the L4-5 was probably my demon.

Those nerves control everything from the waste down. Bladder, Bowels, legs etc.

My Dr. has YET to call me back with HIS interpretation, and our next step. Hopefully he calls me tonight.

I'm a big ball of emotions... I don't know if I'll need surgery.. or if this can heal on it's own over time?

I wish I knew what was wrong with me 2 years ago, so I could have avoided SO much lifting and stuff over the past 2 years now.

What stinks is, when you have a history of anxiety... You are like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. And it's easy for the Dr. to think most of your issues are linked to anxiety... but now... I have an actual issue.

I hope he apologizes to me, and now takes me seriously. Just needed to vent.

[Paxiled]

By the way, how did the California film thing go?

[Paxiled]

I feel you, C.  I'm a lot older than you, but exercise has been one of the things that's kept me going.  But after the Paxil wrecked my brain, I think I've got exaggerated pain from everything, but I agree with you, not everything is anxiety.  It's good you kept looking for what was wrong.  I still think it'd do you good to at least talk to an orthopedist -- a DO is certainly better on this stuff than a regular doc but you sound like you need reassurance.  An orthopedist who is a good one will probably tell you, at least by my experience, that although you have a bulging disc it isn't something unusual or necessarily something that needs invasive treatment.  I was sent to PT, but that doesn't mean you need to do that.  I have pretty bad discs in my neck, probably due to an old automobile accident.  My neck and shoulder are pretty messed up now, and I've got plantar fasciitis and knee problems and all sorts of messed up stuff, but before I got afraid to get MRIs the docs kept saying that although this stuff was there, it shouldn't be lasting so long or hurting so much.  A pain specialist suggested the Paxil withdrawal that has never ended, lucky me to have something so rare, probably has given me a chronic pain problem that is sending signals to hurt more than I should and not to recover -- I used to recover quickly and almost never got hurt.  So it goes.  I really can relate to what you're going through, but believe that with proper rest and maybe seeing a sports movement specialist who can see where you're moving incorrectly you can fix this.  Again, good luck with it.  

[cnote]

I told my Dr, that I wanted an MRI. My Dr. is a DO. So I believe that means he's an Osteopathic Doctor as well as a GP.

The Radiologist interpreted the report, but I have yet to hear from my Dr. on HIS thoughts.

I will probably see a neurologist next to rule out anything serious (for my anxiety). Then move on to a spine/muscle specialist.

[cnote]

Thanks for writing buddy. I'm actually in a REALLY dark place right now. This stinks! I called my Dr's office yesterday, and requested a low dose of Mirtazapine... I havent eaten very much in 4 weeks b/c of all this nonsense.

My main concern is the widespread muscle aches and pains... that can be anywhere. My muscles feel so fatigued in my forearms now and stuff... which scares me. I keep thinking THE WORST, like MS, ALS, or some other neurological disease.

I'm sure this is 10% a real physical issue and 90% anxiety/depression. We shall see. I won't give up looking for an answer. But I know I will succeed at some point.

[Paxiled]

C, did you see a regular doc all this time or an orthopedist?  Regular docs don't know anything  at all about much of anything -- generally, to get your MRI, you go to the proper specialist and he or she orders the MRI based on the symptoms you describe.  Okay.  What's done is done.  But I have to tell you, again, if you see an orthopedist, you'll find that virtually every human adult has discs that don't look right, but that seldom has anything to do with pain.  Usually the pain is muscular in nature.  Everyone has bulging discs -- you, me, and every adult.  It's possible this is causing your pain, but it's statistically much more likely it isn't the source of your pain.  I hope you do find what's wrong, but I've been down this road for years.  Usually, orthopedists send you to physical therapy before they'll do back surgery.  The reason is that the structural problems usually aren't the cause of pain, and back surgery isn't one of those definitely will help surgeries.  But my main point is, never rely on a general doc for anything other than a referral -- they by definition aren't specialists.  I've got disc problems up the yin yang, but I've always been sent to orthopedists or pain specialists to discuss treatment -- my general doc has never tried to go there because he doesn't have the expertise.  Anyway, good luck.  I've been wondering how you were doing (as for me, I can hardly use my neck and arms anymore, but MRIs have never shown anything serious enough for surgery -- yet.  I keep getting sent to PT.  I think this time I may have crossed the line).

[cnote]

Well, another update. My Dr called me tonight.

I was crying bc I was still having ocd about my arms feeling fatigued etc and feared some muscle disease.

My Dr assured me 500% that I don't have a muscular disease.

I broke down crying tears of joy.

Funny how that reassurance works?

However, my dr made it a point that me seeking him for reassurance over and over again is rewarding my brain when it comes to anxiety. He said I need therapy to help get over some of that. Which is true.

He said he did look at my back mri and said I di have a bulge in my l4-5 and that PT probably would be a waste of $$.

He recommended more stretching and yoga and massage.

As for my arm pain,  he thinks its also either upper back issues and or anxiety.

He said repeated to me that he's 500% positive I'm fine, minus some aging discs and some ddd, and of course bad anxiety.

He said a "short term" antidepressant would benefit me right now.

After 3 years of no medication, I agreed with him.

He said take the remeron since it has worked for.me. in the past for 3 weeks to get over this hump.

I haven't eaten or slept for 3 days...

As much as I feel guilty for taking the pill... my body is telling me "its okay... just take it for a few weeks."

So I just took my first pill.

I'm sure ill be good mentally soon.

Love u paxiled!!!! You've always been there for me, and you've never once judged me.

You're awesome!