Avatar universal

My parents are not letting me study out of town and it's causing me anxiety problems

im a middle child who have spent all my life being the kid who's ignored. I love my parents i can die for them and I know that they love me too. I know they worry for me and take care of me in their own way.
But the thing is... I have spent all my life with wanting to attract my parents attention. I have done things to get them to "see" me. I used to act all mysterious but it never caught much attention. I make stupid mistakes so other people laugh at me and I feel a sense of accomplishment. And now so far in life its become a bad habit. Aside that the only thing my mother talks about with me is my elder sister. She's never interested in what's happening in my life how things are in my life. Am i in some trouble? Or anything at all. She's obsessed with my elder sister and in unconditionally love with her only son.
My father is a distant man so I can't really talk about him or complain. All of this have made me pity myself a lot. I suffer from self pity like aloot.
When I was around in 9th grade I actually started working hard and well let's say I'm an average student before that I hardly passed my class. I knew now to make my future I have to get back into business. Around that time seeing that I worked hard my parents told me and agreed fully heartedly I could go out of town or even out of country to study. Even Though  I was aware out of country was out of the picture I could still study out of the town. And I'm not kidding when I say it I have dreamt about it all the damn time. Like it was something I day dreamt about all day. It's like my goal. I don't even care about the degree as long as I could study out of state. And live my own life.
Now that the time has come my family refused to allow me to go out. They only allowed me to give entry test for one university and it's the top university of our country and really hard to get it. And I know I'm not smart enough and even they know that I can't get in. They refuse to acknowledge any other university even though the university I choose is ranked top ten in my country. And now my only chance to escape is completely crushed. Why the hell they want me here when I don't even exist??? Funily enough whenever my mom talked about how much she's gonna miss her son when he left's the country for studies she's gonna miss him she never mentioned me once. It never crossed her mind to tell me that she would miss me too if I left. They truly don't care for my existence so why do I have to stay here????
he only reason they want me to stay is bcz I'm a girl and ant survive on my own.
If she's gonna miss her OH so dearly son then keep him here and let me go. I m having literal anxiety issues. I can't even bother to study I can't focus and I spent all day reading comic to keep my self distracted. Either I cry or either I'm trying to distract myself. I can't even share my problems bcz then I'm a self pitying ***** who's only complaining and complaining.
I'm sorry for the rant. I just really wanted to get it out. Ik it's not a real problem and I'm just being a baby about it.
2 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
973741 tn?1342342773
Oh boy.  Sorry.  You are that limbo state of not yet able to be independent but on your way.  In a few short years, no one can tell you what to do, ever.  The issue with going away to university may come down to something very simple.  Money.  I know that is a concern for my family.  When I went to college, my parents who were helping me pay (loans, I paid and they paid) only allowed me to consider in state schools (schools in the state we lived in).  Even if I was getting loans, they only wanted me to look at in state schools because the finances were so much better in state than out.  My  debt would be significantly less by that choice.  

Are You going to have to live at home?  Or is living in a dorm or apartment an option? If not this year, is that something you can work towards?

Look at school as a means to an end.  End is you having a job that affords a life that you can live without any input or help from your parents.  :>)))  

I am not going to minimize your feelings!  That's legit and you have every right to feel disappointed.  And upset that they are 'holding you back'.  But unfortunately, this is kind of the point you are at in life in which they have some control over you.  Work REALLY  hard to get out from under them.  And I commend you for pulling your grades and work ethic up!  You can do this. Stick to it and get out later.  That's all. It just will be a little later.  hugs.
Helpful - 0
It's hard to explain. But I'm an Asian. We don't get to live our own lives unless your a strong willed son who separates from their parents which doesn't happen alot. As a daughter it's impossible for me. See after uni probably the last year of uni I'm 100% gonna get married either it's love or arranged and  after that I would have a husband and his family and another set of resp responsibilities bound to me. I will never ever have my life. My life is basically getting controlled and ignored rn.
That's a concept only rare people get to enjoy where I live.
My parents are always gonna be at my back they never let go of their children tbh. "Independent" is not a concept for me so basically university is the only time I could have enjoyed that. The only time when I'm away from my parents and can live on my own.
Secondly, it's not about the money my elder sister became a private doctor which is supeeeerr expensive and now they are gonna send my brother to Canada which is really expensive too. We are actually pretty well off. Not super rich tho. So the problem isn't money.
And if I'm in the same town there is no way I can live in dorm I will have to live at home essentially which is what my family wants.
They don't understand how much I need this break. I really live them. And I'm somewhat understanding them. But after promising me letting me live in the hope that my day will come they are just crushing me. And I legit feel like crying or either just disappearing. I will never live my own life. I will just be ignored for my next 5 years and I will keep wallowing in self pity.
I'm just really tired from not being important. I have done my best trying to get them too see me but I know they never will. I just want to get away from all this. Maybe if I'm away they will realize that I was important too. I need to get away from feeling like I'm worthless and my existence just doesn't matter to anyone.
Oh, my heart aches for you.  This is such a hard situation.  You probably feel you have no one to turn to.  What is your older sister like?  Is she at all understanding?  Any safe person in your life that might listen?  You do matter to them. So much that they don't want to let you go.  hugs
Avatar universal
You don't say which country you're in -- Asia is a big place and there's no such thing as Asians, you are all so different city to city, region to region, religion to religion.  So it's hard to know just how limited your options are.  The fact your parents allowed all three kids to go to university says your life is not nearly as restrictive as many places or families in Asia.  But the fact is, no matter where you live, no matter the culture of the region and the culture of your family, everyone does get to choose if they have your resources.  You're obviously not the prisoner others are.  It's also very possible your parents aren't actually thinking of you the way you have imagined they are -- you have a personality that is all yours, it's not entirely defined by them.  We're all born with one that is only ours, and for some of us life is harder than it is for others and we hold ourselves back or have more fear.  Most of us here are from the US, and the US was conquered by people just like you -- people who broke away from their tribes and their cultures and came all the way here.  Some thrived, some didn't, but all tried.  So some of this is within your power -- you can up and leave with nothing and try to make it wherever you want by your own wiles, especially after graduating from any university no matter where.  Also, the term smart is used a lot, but smart is often confused with intelligent or motivated.  Smart is how much you've learned.  Intelligence is how much you're capable of learning, which since nobody can measure accurately is more of an idea that a measurable thing.  Motivation is how badly you want something and how much you're willing to do to get it.  Which is to say, people everywhere are born trapped in their parents' culture, but many escape it and many don't.  That's really and truly up to you.  One thing you don't mention is your relationship with your siblings.  One became a physician, so she obviously escaped this marriage trap you feel bound to suffer.  Your brother is going to Canada -- if you're close to him, that might be a way to get there.  But most important, no matter what you end up doing, even if that's staying close to home, your mind is your own.  Right now it doesn't seem like it is.  You seem hard on yourself, so it's possible you have an anxiety problem or a self-esteem issue that is just your personality.  What I'm trying to say is, life is always hard for most of us, but only some of us notice.  Only some of us are as motivated as you are to make something different for ourselves.  And that can be very hard to do.  I did it, but that didn't stop me from ending up on an anxiety forum.  The main point is, your life is much more in your control than you are painting it, but it will never be easy.  So don't expect it to, and go from there.  Right now you're trying to escape a life you don't want by imagining that going far away will help.  And it very well might.  But it won't make you escape from yourself and the way you think about yourself.  You sound to me a lot stronger than the words you use to describe yourself, and your parents are probably not as you're painting them, either, exactly.  You've already lifted yourself up.  All I can say is, nobody can change the world you have been born into quickly enough to help you any, but you can alter how you think about it, yourself, and if you really want to fight all out, you can just go off on your own and leave.  It's a terribly risky way to live, but again, the US was built by such folk.  Don't give up, and whatever you do, make the most of it.  Things always seem better somewhere else, but everywhere has problems.  Life is always hard because humans have a hard time.  Knowing that will make you stronger.  Fight for what you want.  But most important, enjoy whatever turns out, don't make your whole life a regret.  It is up to you more than you know.  Peace.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Anxiety Community

Top Anxiety Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
370181 tn?1595629445
Arlington, WA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Find out what can trigger a panic attack – and what to do if you have one.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Take control of tension today.
These simple pick-me-ups squash stress.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Want to wake up rested and refreshed?