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Overprotective BF's anxiety over GF's surgery

Hi there, I'm going to try to reveal as much of a back-story as I think is required for a reasonable judgment of my current situation, so here goes:

I feel in love with a girl at age 14 and 2 years of close friendship later, she realized her feelings for me and we became a couple. We've been in an intimate relationship for the past 5 years. It's been a little rocky for a number of reasons but I've come to realize lately that a lot of it has been due to the strange condition I'm about to describe.

I have this irrational need to protect her and terrible anxiety about it. Precisely, her body. The idea of another person, (specifically male) seeing her unclothed body or knowing about intimate or personal details about her gets me anxious, depressed and angry.

I really became aware of how much of a problem this was while she underwent surgery at the hospital. I've always asked (read:begged) her to have a female doctor and the inability to control this at the hospital lead me to vomiting every single day, loss of appetite and sleeplessness, not to mention anger (not at my girlfriend but just at the situation), vertigo and one night I passed out.

Specifically, the idea that there were multiple people operating on her at the hospital and that there were clearly male nurses and a male surgeon and that these people saw my girlfriend in her most vulnerable state and that they got to see her naked body. I can't handle this. During surgery instead of worrying about my girlfriend, this is all I could think about.

After surgery when the surgeon came out, I was told they installed a catheter. Instead of being happy about my girlfriend's successful surgery I ran to the bathroom and had to immediately vomit. I ended up sobbing and felt like I wanted to die. The idea that possibly a male nurse had to perform that procedure on my girlfriend. It's even hard to type this.

When they needed to change the dressing my utmost concern was for her privacy and when it was impossible, my feelings were so intense I had to excuse myself to vomit. For obvious reasons, I wasn't always able to be around my girlfriend when the health care personnel were working with her but I DID feel a sense of comfort when I was with her during procedures.

A few other things that I keep replaying in my head over and over:

The thought of chest monitors and their proximity to my girlfriend's breasts and the idea of a male nurse possibly applying these to her while in surgery or baring her chest to apply these.

The insertion of a second catheter by a female nurse and accidental flashing while changing of dressing.

It has now been three weeks since the surgery and instead of being able to provide comfort and care for my girlfriend as she recovers I am nothing but an emotional burden to her already worn down physical self. I have become what I tried to protect her from. I haven't been sleeping on a regular schedule. My dietary pattern has been even worse. I can't get any of these thoughts or images out of my head. I can't even imagine intimacy with her right now or even in the near future.

My fear here is that this is nothing new. Our entire relationship I've been very "protective" like this and I only see it becoming worse as we grow closer. The very idea of child birth or another surgery has my upset and feeling sick.

I've gone through many tactics to try to make these thoughts go away and suppress these feelings. I know that the mindset of medical care professionals is nothing like that the mindset of a pervert but I cannot stop thinking like this.

I also understand how irrational and ridiculous this is. If I'm really looking out for her best interest, then I should let the professionals do what ever needs to be done. I have had other close loved ones go into surgery and even witnessed my three siblings born but I've never felt like this before.

Can you please help me make sense of these feelings?
5 Responses
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366811 tn?1217422672
The shrink is an MD -not an MS as I mistyped.
Helpful - 0
366811 tn?1217422672
The deal on therapy is this: an established practice will usually be owned by a psychiatrist (or a partnership of 2 or more) who employ therapists -folks with an MSW degree. The case load is split up according to who does what best. It frequently happens that a little old MSW is better in some area of therapy than the shrink -but of course, only the shrink, as an MS, can prescribe medication. The initial interview will get you sitauted with someone. The point is this -go to a place that has a high "top shelf," even if a lower shelf, as it were, works for you.

I also get it about the anger episodes. My psychiatrist's notes about ME include this little gem: "...patient had an altercation with his bookshelf..."

The bookshelf lost that one, but today I am much less angry, even though I can feel it well up inside me sometimes -part of who I am. Damnit!

But enough about me.

I'm going to toss something out at you here for you to present in therapy. Note: I'm not a therapist and have no training nor any professional basis whatsoever for what I'm about to say. It is just an idea, and is offered on the assumption that YOU WILL GET the therapy.

Think, "mommy."

I'm begging you NOT to attempt to do the therapy here, with me or anyone else on this forum or elsewhere. Get the pro. The mommy idea is a kick-start, a set of jumper cables and may be so far off base as to qualify me as an idiot.

More confidently, I can tell you this: the therapy process will uncover all kinds of interesting material about you, and because you are high functioning and very intelligent, the result should be something like a really cool upgrade to your psychology. You are going to like you much more -and your g/f should be pleased, as well.

Now -get on with it.

Helpful - 0
212161 tn?1599427282
please get the right help if you dont , your g/f may not stay with you , its a lot ofstress on her to and no one can live life that, sounds like ya have a great thing going and i hope it stays that way , but if you dont get help it could end. lots of luck.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This forum sure does see a lot of activity. It was comforting to see a response, thank you for taking the time to read my post!

To clear things up, I had feelings for her 2 years prior to the development of her feelings towards myself but we are identical in age (21). Emotionally though, (and this might be part of the problem) I've always felt a bit paternal towards her.

I definitely think you're on to something. My feelings are never directed at my girlfriend and are never personal. I've tried to explain this to her but still don't think the message has been fully communicated. She tends to think my feelings come from a deep-rooted distrust with her and this is certainly not the case as I am positive that she would never cheat on me or anything similar and this isn't the center of my anxiety. Essentially, my feelings are never directed towards her, only the situations.

I do sometimes feel a sense of reservation during these episodes though, where I may not want to be close with her, however, I never feel aggressive towards her. She senses these reserved periods as "anger" due to my shyness and "stonewalling" which is the opposite of my regular behavioral patterns. I am ashamed to admit this, but I HAVE acted out aggressively on inanimate objects, punching walls, hurting myself, smashing 4 of my mobile phones. This behavior pretty much terrifies me in hindsight but at the time it seems applicable and prudent.

I very much appreciate your validation of my concerns and letting me know that this is an issue that needs to be addressed by a professional (something I had suspected).
I'm curious to know whether a psychiatrist (MD) or therapist would be better suited and the difference between the two? I have seen a therapist for some family related issues in my past although I almost felt as if my time would be better spent talking to a close friend.

Also, I think I have discovered that it is helpful to describe my feelings through words when I'm having an episode, as I tend to develop a slight amnesia regarding the feelings afterwards. (as I'm sure everyone does to some extent)
Helpful - 0
366811 tn?1217422672
A very Freudian message; intensly psychological.

You say the love started at age 14. Your age? Or hers? An age difference in younger years is often more significant than the same difference later on.

I'll cut to the chase and tell you what you may already suspect. It's not about your girlfriend, in my opinion, it is not even personal. Your girlfriend, I'll bet, is a "token," a psychological placeholder, as it were, for something (or somone) else. "I have become what I tried to protect her from." ANYONE could play the "her" part in that scenario.

The professionals you will consult need not have had similar experiences or feelings of their own to be effective therapists; rather they will be most helpful if trained in the particular specialties most suited to your condition. I'd say a psychiatrist to whom you are referred by a provider with whom you've discussed your situation.

You have some advantages here: you write well, are self-aware and are obviously intelligent. And the onset of your feelings is relatively recent (5 years is what I gather) and so is within your memory. But NOTE: what you THINK you remember NOW may vary from what you experienced AT THE TIME simply because memories tend to be "image enhanced" by recent experience and thought. In any event, going back to where the feelings started will probably help you understand why you are the way you are. You also carry the heavy advantage of wanting to be otherwise.

No one here can venture more than a guess as to what's going on in your head to produce the behavior, and even a lucky guess that happens to be correct doesn't necessarily tell you how to deal with it. That lies with a therapeutic process which I suggest you start promptly.

If you're stuck as to how to present it, just print out your post and the various replies and hand it over to the therapist.

I hope you'll post again to advise as to what was discovered and how your therapy helped you make the adjustments.
Helpful - 0
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