PLEASE HELP ME!!

[ollie062]

Hello

This has been driving me around for about 2 months now! I'm so worried about being gay it's unreal! I have always thought of girls during sex and mastibation. What Is bugging me is that I've had a gay experience at about 12 with a close mate! Gave him a hand job! I never thought anything of it because I was sure of my sexuality. (Straight) when I'm around girls I'm confident and have sexual feelings but then when it comes down to sleeping with a new one for the first time I can't get it up! I have always been the kind of lad who does some gay **** to make people laugh and stuff. Like pretend to be hitting on mates. But I can safely say if they hit on me back I would hate it!! I'm pretty sure this is OCD because I have never cumed to gay porn and never felt the urge to watch it. Until recently where I watched it to see if I liked it! And I didn't! All I want is to be my old self who can feel so comfortable In there own skin and not have to worry about this rubbish! I would never ever want to be gay! I could never cuddle up with a man go on dates etc, never! That I am clear of! But I'm so anxious about getting a new girlfriend I feel like I'm only doing it to prove I'm straight instead of taking it slow and enjoying it!! How did you know that you was gay??? Did you secretly watch gay stuff and get really horny by men? If I see a hot guy I think I wish I had his body or his jaw line etc! I have never naturally thought I would love to have sex with him?? But if I force my self to think it. It makes me feel so weird like can't believe I've even made my self think that stuff please help me???  I have been with my last girl friend 4 years!! To be honest I have very low self esteem aswell. I know this guy from school who had a massive you know what and got all The girls. The guy i had my gay thing with!! its not always him but mostley??  When I have sex with my girlfriend I used to pretend I was him aswel ! And that was the only way I could climax. I feel so low about my self I hve to imagine other men having sex with her to get me off! (Not good looking men just men with hudge penis) what does this all mean!! . Obviously there was times were i just went with inpulse and had sex with her out of love and passion and those few times my gosh did i feel great about my self after! so this is what confuses me!! I dont want to keep self checking for gay stuff! i see a good looking man great! i dont care! but then my thoughts are like would u wanna kiss him would u wanna love him etc! drives me mad!! Suffered from ocd al my life may i add! Heart attacks girl friend cheating on me! blah blah! i want to be normal!!!! no worries just adventeurs!!


Deep down i think i really am straight! but my head is blocking all these thoughts! the only time i can stop worrying about my gay thoughts is when im worrying about how to get over all this man up and be the man i pretend to be and win my girlfriend back have a happy life and see the world with her!!

I HAVE NEVER EVER IMAGINED MY SELF HAVING ANAL SEX OR GIVING IT HONESTLY DOES NOTHING FOR ME EVEN IN THIS CRAZY STATE OF MIND!!! Im begging for some answers cant fight this alone any more!!!

[nursegirl6572]

BTW, I really DO suggest you check out our OCD forum.  Right at this moment, 12 out of the 20 threads on the first page are ALL about HOCD.  That should put into perspective for you just how common this kind of obsessive thought is.  I think you'll really get some great tips there.  While OCD and OCD-like thinking is also anxiety based, the approaches are a little different than the more generalized anxiety or panic we deal with on this forum.  

The advice would be more specific to your actual complaint.  The community leader of the OCD forum, JGF is fantastic, she gives GREAT suggestions on how to start working to put a stop to those intrusive thoughts and obsessive thinking.  I've used some of her tips in my own advice at times.  She's lived with OCD for a long time, and has successfully found ways to manage the obsessive thinking.  

I think you should check it out, then let us know what you think.

[nursegirl6572]

That's not denial, that's just another presentation of intrusive thoughts.  Your mind will always find a way, when you're obsessing, to make sense of everything you're thinking about, to fit in with the worry you're focused on.  

So, every time you see something (say a news story about gay rights), you will then worry that it is a "sign".  If you have a good day, and don't obsess as much, you will take the worry up a notch, like you have described, and will "what if" that you have accepted it, or come to terms with it.  That's what obsessive thinking does.  Your brain will always find a way to "one up" you basically.  This is why it's vital to get some help.  There absolutely are ways you can train your brain to not react and "what if" over the worry du jour.  

I strongly suggest you seek out a professional and start working in therapy.  There are medications that would help some of the anxiety, but the therapy is the REALLY important part of managing this.  A psychiatrist could discuss all of your treatment options with you.

If indeed you have OCD (which I a personally strongly suspect), there will always be something for you to obsess over.  Even if "being gay" is your primary fear, if you don't address the anxiety and cycle of anxious thought, and even if you manage to squash that thought, another will take its place.  You may go from worrying about being gay, to worrying about a deadly health condition.  That's the nature of the beast.

Please reach out for some help, you'll be so glad you did.  Update us when you can!

[ollie062]

No sorry i didn't mean it like that! I ment it like omg I really do hope it is OCD! I couldn't ever be gay so I wouldn't want this to be my true colours or summing! When I was with my girlfriend I loved cuddling up with my girlfriend! Some times when we was mad at each other obviously we didn't? When she would get out of the shower and stuff I would get very aroused. Maybe breaking up with my ex and having a failing with a new girl has just spiralled this out of controll! I'm so worried I will never find love with another women like I did her. Also when I was with my new girlfriend I went and met my ex to tell her about me worrying about being gay! She loled and said there is nothing at about you I promise this made me feel better. And when I was with her I was hard as a rock the whole time and when I kissed her my god! Fireworks!! So I'm so confused!!!

[ollie062]

Thank you so much for replys! The problem I'm facing now with this demon. Is when I stop thinking about it, my head is telling me that's it I've accepted being gay! When that's not the case but I can't cope worrying all the time it's so draining! As for the course I have no actual idea! I think it's when things got rough with my ex? But I really don't know!! This is so hard to cope with!!! Do you think I could just be Denial ??? Please reply thank you!!

[nursegirl6572]

IMO, pretty much everything you write indicates classic HOCD.  That's actually a disorder you know!  It's a form of OCD where one (usually men) are obsessed about being gay.

You need to seek professional help for this...for your obsessive thoughts.  That would be true no matter WHAT the thoughts were, if you were obsessing over your health, or your safety, whatever the nature of the obsession was, you would need to seek help for it.  It's not healthy to have to try to manage those kinds of obsessive thoughts, and the good news is, you don't HAVE to just deal with it because there IS help out there!

When anxiety becomes debilitating to this level, it's time to call on the professionals.  Otherwise, you stay on the merry-go round.  I would advise you to look at our OCD forum, not because I'm telling you you have OCD, but because this very topic comes up ALL of the time there...and I think it may make you feel better to read over not only the other threads (where people have the same worry you do), but more importantly, to read the helpful replies, just for some tips on ways you can stop the intrusive thought processes.  That would be helpful until you can get in front of a mental health professional.

Here's our OCD community:

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/show/231


In closing, not that it matters a whole lot, but from everything you've written, there's not one part of me that thinks you're gay and just don't know it, or haven't accepted it.  

I wish you well...let us know when you've talked to a professional, how it goes!

[RubyWitch]

I don't understand your rather anxious reply to remar! You appeared to get very upset when she agreed that you may have OCD. I also agreed that you may have HOCD.

In fact, it was YOU who twice mentioned your issues with OCD. Neither remar nor I said it, we just agreed with you.

What is going on?

Here are the two lines you yourself wrote about your OCD:

"I'm pretty sure this is OCD because I have never cumed to gay porn and never felt the urge to watch it."

I'm sorry, but I definitely got the impression that your sexual expeirimentation back when you were 12 bothered you alot. And neither remar nor I EVER said you had actually enjoyed it.
It was also just you who continued to bring up fear of homosexuality throughout this post.

If we, or at least, If I, misunderstood everything you were saying, I am very sorry and if you'd feel better, I'll have the MODS delete it.

I thought remar and I had helped..............  

"Suffered from ocd al my life may i add!"

[RubyWitch]

You said this has been "driving you around" for 2 months now. OK, so tell me what happened two months ago that brought this back to the top of your things to freak out about list. Something had to bump it up there.

Let's look at the fact you've suffered from OCD your whole life. Since you are still suffering from it, and it has now morphed into HOCD, I'm going to assume you've never sought any kind of treatment for this. (HOCD is Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

You keep harking back to your homosexual encounter with your playmate, which was 8 YEARS ago and at the very budding of your puberty! Do you know how incredibly normal that is? But, I would bet if you asked 50 men NOW if they ever did anything with a friend around the age of 12, 49.5% of them would say "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Personally, I think that's a "guy thing," which is kinda sad. My little girlfriends and I use to touch each other in what we thought were sexual ways, too. But we can just laugh at it now. I wonder why women aren't out here "driving around" wondering if we're lesbians?

At 20 years of age, I can promise you that if you WERE gay, you sure as hell would KNOW it by now.

You are letting your OCD thinking fill you with doubts and fears and just plain wrong thinking and that is why you really need to get into some therapy to get this straightened out before it wrecks any more of your life.

Just because sometimes the first time you sleep with a woman, you have difficulty getting or maintaining and erection has absolutely nothing to do with you being gay! I'd say ask your male friends if the same thing ever happens to them, but I'm not so sure you'd hear the real answer. You would though, hear the right answer if you asked some of your women friends! LOL

When you tell us that you sometimes (often) PRETEND to hit on your friends in a "gay" fashion, that may be part of your HOCD and would be something you'd definitely want to explore in therapy. It could be kind of a mean streak in you that comes from your own self-doubts. You say you would HATE it if they did it to you......

You've also stated that gay porn does not turn you on. You even went so far as to actually watch some of it to prove to yourself that it didn't turn you on and it DIDN'T.
If you WERE gay, you WOULD have been aroused.

Since you've asked this question a second time about how did someone know they were gay or lesbian..........my answer is the same. YOU JUST KNOW. And you know from a fairly young age. There is no secret, at least, not in your own heart, as to which sex you're attracted to.
Being gay is NOT a choice. It's not like you gotta spend all of junior high trying to decide.

You've had the same girlfriend for 4 years. You two have sex. Do you like it with her? Do you get aroused and ejaculate? Do you like to kiss her? Touch her? Hold hands? If you were gay, this would not be any fun for you. Your girlfriend would be picking up some pretty strong signals.

And this crazy thing about the fellow with the extraordianarily large penis....If I understood correctly, this was the same boy you had you're little fling with? Well. I'm sorry if I seem to keep putting you boys down, but one doesn't get to be 62 years old without having noticed along the way that many men are for some reason, dissatisfied with their "members."

I don't think you were wishing this boy was having sex with YOU, I think YOU were wishing YOU had a larger penis (like you seem to think this kid had) to please your girlfriend, even though I have no doubts your penis is absolutely normal sized. This theory would fit in with your low self-esteem issue.

You wrote something that I think you need to go back and read a whole bunch of times..........you wrote this when you weren't obsessing about being gay or the damn size of your penis. You wrote....."Obviously there was times were i just went with inpulse and had sex with her out of love and passion and those few times my gosh did i feel great about my self after!"

There's your answer.

You mentioned noticing a good looking man walking down the street and most of the time you can simply think to yourself, "well, isn't he nice and athletic looking or have a good strong chin or just generally a good looking guy." That is soooooo normal and healthy. I do the same thing when I see a pretty woman. "Wow, do I want THOSE legs! Yikes, look at those great breasts. Beautuful hair......" blah, blah blah.

What happens to you is your HOCD thinking pops out and instead of just briefly admiring a nice looking guy, you start to doubt yourself as to why you would even be looking at him. You start freaking it must be because you're gay............why else would you look? And that's the bad thinking taking over and that's what the good therapy can get rid of.

Deep down you KNOW you are straight and it's deep down you need to know how to stop the HOCD thinking. That will fix all your broken wheels and get you back on the track you know you belong on.

You will never again have to sream out a paragraph like the last one in your post.
That is a cry for help. Help is out there, waiting. You just gotta go get it.
Don't waste any more of your life being unhappy................
Peace
Greenlydia

[ollie062]

When u say possible OCD? This make me very anxious? With that experience I feel nothing didn't enjoy didn't ever think about it again until now! So worried !!!!!

[remar]

It does sound like possible OCD. You were just a kid when you had that experience with another boy. Believe it or not, this is not that uncommon for straight people to do as kids. It does'nt mean you're gay.
Have you ever been in counseling? If not, I would highly recommend giving it a try. It will help you understand why you have this fear and what you can do about it.