Please help.

[Scaredofeverything92]

I have been dealing with an extreme fear of death, and anxiety about everything. It started a little over a year ago. I was 22 when I found my mother dead. She had a heart attack, so it was very sudden. I was extremely close with her. From the age of 12 when my dad had left, it was just us. we did everything together and she was really all I had. Up until I got pregnant. Once my daughter was born, I had her, and her father. But it was only 1 month after I had moved out when she passed. It was a very traumatic experience. She had called and asked me to come stay with her because she was having really bad back pain and needed my help around the house, so I loaded up the car and we headed that way. When I got there I opened the door and found her unresponsive on the couch right in front of me. For about 5 months I had constant recurring thought about finding her. I would replay that day in my head and feel all the emotions of it. I finally went to a therapist for a little while and I was able to stop thinking about it so much. But now, I have a CONSTANT fear of death. Mostly about my daughter and her father, my fiancé. I feel like since I lost my mom, they are all I have. (My father had passed 2 years prior to my mom). Also, I was adopted so they were the only family I had before my pregnancy. I just feel like I need to talk to someone. My fear has become so overwhelming that I can't live a happy life. I can't drive because I fear that I will wreck and if I wreck and something happens to my child or fiancé, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I fear for my fiancé every day while he is at work, because his job requires a lot of driving. If I don't hear from him for a couple of hours my mind automatically thinks something terrible has happened. I am always tired because sleep has become nearly impossible. When I turn out the lights and try to go to sleep I start thinking about the fact that one day, we will all be dead. And it overwhelms me. I start to think about what I would do if something happened to my daughter or fiancé. And then I start to feel the emotions, as if it has already happened. I fear every night that someone will break into our home and hurt us, or our house will catch on fire, and sometimes I even fear things that aren't likely at all to happen. Like our home being sucked into a sink hole. I feel so crippled by this. I want to be able to enjoy my life, but I can't when I am constantly scared of everything. My poor child who is almost 2 can't even eat a normal meal because I break her food into microscopic pieces, for fear of her choking. (Even though I am certified in cpr and first aid, and know what to do if she were to get choked.) I just wanted to see if there is anyone who feels the same way, or can help me over come this. I don't want to take meds because my birth father and mother were both drug addicts, and I don't want to fall into their shoes. I've heard anxiety meds are very addictive. Thanks in advance for any help!

[Scaredofeverything92]

See above post.

[Scaredofeverything92]

first off, I am sorry for your loss!! And I completely relate to how you feel. I fear going to movie theaters because I'm afraid someone will start shooting everyone. I'm afraid of walking around downtown because I'm afraid someone will jump out of an alley and stab us and take our money or something. I will definitely have to talk to my doctor about that medicine!! I'm happy to hear that there are non habit forming medicines for this. Everything I have read about were things like xanex. My fiancé doesn't mind driving me to the doctor, I have just been afraid to go because I feel like they will think I am crazy or something. But I need to get over that, in order to get some help!

[MLJohnson]

I can relate! I believe you might have separation anxiety, I'll explain further after I share my experience. My mother and I were never very close due to her alcohol problems, but my father and I were. My father passed away right before my 15th birthday and it was a sudden heart attack. My mother shoved me out of the room before I could see him for his final moments, but my mom let my sister in. It really messed me up for a long time and still to this day. I constantly think about death and if my loved ones are ok. I have random fears that aren't rational. Sometimes I refuse to go anywhere because I'm worried there will be a bomber or someone will have a heart attack and I'll witness their family suffering. I'm always scared to leave my boyfriends side - God forbid something happens to him and I'm not there to help him.I finally went to a doctor and prescribed me paroxetine( this is NOT an addictive medication, benzodiazepines are addictive as in Xanax or clonazepam ) it is really a good medication. I will not say it has fixed my fears but it's helped me and lessened the issues. I suggest your fiancé driving you to the doctor.  

[Scaredofeverything92]

Counseling isn't really a viable option for me right now, from where I don't drive. I actually don't even have my license because I never drive and I never took the test because of being afraid. So I have no way of getting to a counselor as often as I need to go. That's why I stopped in the first place. My fiance's mother was taking me, but then her father came down with cancer and I stopped asking her to take me because of her being so busy with his treatments and everything. :/

[LRon]

I highly recommend you get some counseling. Don't try to cope with this alone. There is help!