Struggling and need some friends!! Please HELP!!

Question

I don't know what to do, since this all began again in July, with the endless anxiety attacks, panic attacks and agoraphobia, i've tried so hard to get well..... i really have!! I've tried everything i can think of, tried going back on the anit-d's but had so many very unpleasant side effects, tried 6 so far, tried relaxation, meditation, hypnosis, healthy eating, gentle exercise, positvive thinking, herbal, going church and CBT.... with some of them i have started to feel better but then i relapse back into the old thinking, behaviour and some days i just wake up in such a state that it's hard from then on to get a grip...... 

I feel so so alone!! I feel utterly guilty as i have a young family to look after who need me so badly but i can't give them everything they need emotionally cause my head is in such a spin from mine, i'm a single mum, i've become withdrawn and don't even want to be around anyone cause if i'm not freaking out then i'm so depressed about it all.... i've become very quiet and don't seem to be able to have a conversation at the moment. I fought tooth and nail to get myself into a mental health day centre, to get myself out of the house, and got in very quickly, but now i get myself ready go to walk out the door and it's like i hit a wall... i just can't go, and you can't just walk in when ever you want you need to get there b4 a certain time and by the time i feel able to go it's too late. 

I really feel like i'm loosing my mind and i'm so scared cause my 13yr old daughter told me she is scared she is gona loose me to this.... i ask her what she mean't and she said she said she feels that i'm if this carries on i'm gona give up and end my life.  She said she can see how hard this is for me and hard i'm trying to get better but she can see that it's becoming too much.  I don't know what to do!!!!  I lost my own mum to schizophrenia, she committed suicide when i was 5yrs old and i know how lonely it was growing up with out a mum and i'm just so scared that my daughter is right.... that i am gona give up, cause thats how i'm beginning to feel.  I don't wana cause i LOVE my 3 girls so much but this pain inside is just too great and the suffering each and every day is making life so unbareable......  

One of my biggest fears is going into hospital....i feel anxious if i feel like i'm trapped and can't move about freely and i know being in hospital would take away alot of the things i do freely, it would all be so controlled and i scared of the med's!! People everything....

I just need some friends right now to let me know it's gona be ok...  I WANA BE OK!!!

Ariom63 · Answer

You are very correct. This is just my own experience as I have mentioned. My doctor was just very honest with me about anti-d's..they do help alot of people...he just didn't think they for me..but I have tried them.  
Once again just my own experience like I have mentioned above.

Julie359 · Answer

You know i read last night that one guy is actually taking 3 tablets x 5mg of Diazipam every night to go sleep, so 15mg!!.... I was shocked to the core!! The most i have taken is 2mg when things get just far too much and this calms me..but i don't take them on a regular basis. back in June the doc gave me 14 x 2mg tablets and told me it was a one off perscription, as here in England they don't encourage benzos at ALL!!!! It's now Oct and i still have roughly 6 or 7 so i'm going slow with them, only in dire emergencies.

gochoosy1 · Answer

HI, before anyone starts or stops taking Benzos, which is vallium, xanax,klonipin, diazepim,,, ETC,etc, you need to know that they ARE VERY PHYSICALLY DEPENDANT drugs.  I have been on xanax for about 5 years, I think, and I never took more than 1.5 mg a day.  I noticed over the years that my anxiety troubles were getting worse. I figured it was ME.  IT ISNT.  These drugs CHANGE your brain chemistry, which in turn affects your WHOLE body. I have recently tapered my dose down in half, and I have been in terrible withdrawal .  Im talking low grade fevers, hyperventilation, neck tics, headaches, exhaustion, panic, GERD.... diahrrea......etc etc.....DONT start Benzos. Im telling you. And if you are taking them and your getting worse, you need to taper down SUPER SLOWLY.  Heres a very Informative link.... 

http://www.benzo.org.


By the way, anti depressants cause major withdrawal symptoms as well. just not as dangerous as the Benzos.  Anti depressants should never be stopped cold turkey

Julie359 · Answer

In ur experience anti-d's didn't help ur anxiety but this isn't the case with alot of people, i myself when i was on Paxil had 90% cure of my anxiety and panic attacks.  I was free for nearly 12 years.... and the ones i did have were mild and very managable which lead my agoraphobia to cease.  So these can and do work wonders.  

Sadly my bio-chem seems to of changed and i can no longer tolerate any anti-d it seems, since coming off the paxil in March this yr....

Ariom63 · Answer

I know you have heard this before..You are not alone in feeling so overwhelmed with the unknown and taking anti-d's.  In my OWN experience..once this is just me. I have been suffering from anxiety/panic attacks for 8 yrs. My doctors have tried them all, but they have been upfront and honest. They work great for some with Depression..but when it comes to anxiety/panic...they do very little. That is my case. I won't take another anti-d only because in my case it makes me depressed. You can have anxiety and not be depressed...I know!  I am a happy person with a good life..nothing to be depressed about..I go out and have fun..I am not afraid to jump in my car and have a good day. What gets me are the anxiety, but mostly panic attacks.  

But what works for one person may not work for other. Doctors are just so quick to prescribe the ant-d's when you mention panic attacks. They do nothing. If they did then they found the cure. 

I know this may not be the answer you are looking for..but you have to trust your doctor. I do...and anti-d's are not for me.  

Wishing you the best and I certainly hope you find what works for you.

nell007 · Answer

hey there.. i am glad to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. how did you reach the light? ive been an anti - ds for 1 weeks now and went back to doc today.. im now on anti-anxiety and anti d tabs. I feel absolutely horrible already and havent even started the new tabs yet.
its been over 2 months of hell already and not looking forward to what is going to come up. Ive not had much luck with the anti-d so am in constant worry about the new meds..
any suggestions would be greatly received.

thanks

astou · Answer

Hello!!! Hope all is well with you by the time you receive this message.six months ago, I was a total mess, I can not tell you the horrible thoughts that used to go through my mind. Now that I am in recovery I am embarrassed to mention them. What I am trying to say is don't give up, hang in there, fight hard for you and your children it is worth it. Post anxiety now I am glad that I fought hard especially for my children. Life is good and it is worth fighting for. I am much happier,  better mother and I am loving life and most importantly enjoying my children. I must tell you that it was not easy but working with my therapist (no meds) and sharing my thoughts , being part of this forum gave me the strength to never give up.
Sorry about the long post but I had to share my story because I was you six months ago.

Julie359 · Answer

Just thought i'd say thank-you to you all that messaged me... you helped me come through my crisis and i appreciate it so very much!!!! 

Heres wishing good health to you all xxx

nell007 · Answer

hey there again.. thanks for you message. it does help hearing from you. 
I go through the same thing - wake up each morning and 'assessing' me then bang anxiety- i think i sleep fine.. got atleast 7 hours last night unlike the night before with 3. I set myself up for a bad morning and i seem ok by end of day when hubby gets home from work.

The AD im on is Cipralex and so far today on day 2 im having an ok time.. certainly better then yesterday. but my eyes are REALLY blurry.. but i was having this before i started the AD so im putting it to anxiety still.. just without all the other pain that i was in..

Heres to all of us out there for a fast recovery (if that be possible)..

mama23babies · Answer

I know exactly how you feel. I am going back today to see my therapist and I am so anxious about it. I tried therapy a few months ago but I couldn't bring myself to go out of the house. I have 3 kids and feel like I take so much away from them b/c of my own stupid issues. I know its stupid I just cant get my mind to accept it and forget all my negative thoughts. My daughter has dance class,a field trip and Halloween party coming up and I just wish I could be like the other mothers and walk in socialize and have a good time with my child, but I don't even know if I am going to be able to attend. This is a scary H$ll we live in.I guess it's up to us to fight our way back out. I just can't figure out how to get out yet. I wish you the best of luck.  PM me anytime.

Julie359 · Answer

hahaha...u know i think i'm gona give that a try.  You know another lady on here, i forget her name right now reckons her anxiety/panic attacks are hormonal, she had twins and a hysterectomy and started getting severe panic attacks ever since.... so you saying about the contreceptive pill is starting to make me feel maybe alot of these feelings may be due to hormones.....

Which anti-d have you started?  Here's hoping that you start to feel better soon, cause i wouldn't wish these kinda feelings on my worst enermy.... did you know that both russians and the nazi germans invoked severe anxiety within their prisioners as a form of torture, i read they injected them with a drug..... All i can say is YES it is torture!!! 

Thank-you for writing i feel alot calmer now, but that seems to be the pattern of the day... wake up run around like a headless chicken for a few hours then gradually settle into the day.... ppppppffffffffffffffffffff is all i can say.

N no u wern't blabbling on...it's good to hear about others and their experiences so chat away i'm all ears.... xxx

Julie359 · Answer

Thank-you, i have just had a long conversation with my Revd... he reminded me of a couple of things that God is with me and he is giving me the strength to do the things i have done and he reminded me that things will get better.  He also thinks, as does my therapist, that i should let go of trying to be in control so much and just practice acceptance... that it doesn't matter if i have a panic attack in front of people, that is just doesn't matter!! 

My problem is i feel people should see me as a strong, independant, made of iron, bubbly funny person who loves life and will carry the world on my shoulders for the world to feel no pain and be happy.... I just hate people seeing me as a weak, crying, feeble, vunerable, anxious mess.  So when i know i'm gona see people i become anxious of being anxious.

I wake in the mornings terrified that i'm gona be anxious, and of course this becomes a self fullfilled prophercy.... so i cry and feel like it's all gona take over me cause i can't shift this feeling of pure fear!!  It has no benefit, it's serves no purpose, but as my Revd said something inside is shouting for my attention and it's needs to be addressed.

Thank-you for writing back it's comforting to know you care xxx

nell007 · Answer

Hello there. i hope you dont mind me joining in this discussion. I have recently discovered what full blown anxiety is..and honey i feel for you. YOu are definitely not alone. there are quite a few of us out there and we need each other to vent..
I too am 'worried' about how im going to cope with things with having 2 little girls under 4. It all started for me when  I stopped the contraceptive pill and bam ive been a reck since. After 6 weeks of feeling completely wrong and lost I have started my first anti-depressant last night.. I feel horrible now. its worse then anything i have had before. I know its only the beginning but surely it doesn't go on for too long. The worst part for me is the burning sensation all over my skin esp at the base of head. And of course the muscle tension nausea and headaches... All I want to do is cry and SCREAM.... 
I do give a big thanks to my neighbour who has recently been through this herself and has been a shoulder to cry on. Shes provided me with more information then my doc ever did. 

Sorry if blabbing on.. i do feel better once i get my thoughts out. But we will all get there in the end.. whether the path is straight up or has a few bumpy patches we can do it.

The best advise my neighbour recently gave me was to put on some music and grab a broom and start singing. Gotta be a good pick me up.. im off to give it a try..

Good luck to us all

MrGreen · Answer

I know you know that I am always here for you. No matter what. It can be a very frightening time. A very loney time. But you have something worth fighting for. You have two beautiful kids. They must be worth all the fight in the world. They are your world. Your life. If you need any reason to knuckle down and put a lot of effort into getting better just take a long look at those kids. It will make you want to fight. We are born fighters. Survivalists. We have come this far. We don't just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Just sit yourself down. You had a small setback, We all have them. Think we are flying along. Then ' WHAM ', we fall flat on our arses. But we have to see it for what it is. Just a setback. One you can climb back from. The day care place can be put on hold for now. Never force yourself into anything at all. Just look at the things you can do and work off of them. One step at a time. Remember we don't take the big step before the baby step. It can be worked through. Even if it means doing it your own way. Hospital is just a bad nightmare that won't happen. It is up to you if you ever wanted to go into hospital. They can't just put you in them. Just remember that. So let's start with those baby steps again. Small things at a time. To make yourself better. For both you and your daughters.

RoseHK · Answer

Wow. Jeez chickie.  I hear you and I am here for you.  You are not alone. I hope you'll consider me your friend if you don't I'm still here for you.  It WILL be o.k.