Venting Anxiety - Need Help

[missymunster]

Almost 4 years ago my grandmother was diagnosed with a very rare leukemia and she lost her battle almost a year and a half later. When she was going down hill, I wasn't around to see it, I was actually in another state at the time of her death and was too distraught to drive home. I couldn't even get on a plane to get there. I ended up having to stay with my fiance's family for a few months because I couldn't bring myself to drive back home.

During those months I started developing symptoms like rapid heart beats out of the blue and getting startled very easily by the normal non-significant things. I even couldn't eat much because my stomach was always in knots. I ended up dropping a lot of weight when I was already at a healthy weight.

After a few weeks something very scary happen that never happened before. I was getting up for bed and all of the sudden I was very dizzy and experienced "tunnel" vision. I thought I was dying. I now know it was an anxiety or panic attack. After this happened I spent almost all of my time sleeping because I was so scared, I didn't want to leave to go anywhere or do anything. We finally were able to get back home and I thought I would be better but I was wrong.

When I first got back it was really bad, I'd feel so stiff and start shaking very badly to where I would be freaked out about it and wouldn't be able to sleep. Sometimes I'd get to sleep and wake up during the night with my heart literally pounding against my chest. I've had a lot of sleepless nights and that was mainly the cause of them. I couldn't drive for 2 years because I was afraid and but I finally managed to start driving again and even completed a few courses at the local college.... Until it came back and with a vicious vengeance.

I've experienced irregular heart beats, muscle spasms under my eyes and around them and mostly through my legs, and waking up in the middle of the night with a rapid heartbeat. Every time my heart beats irregular I will worry about it and not be able to concentrate on anything else. I finally pushed myself to see a doctor a month or 2 ago to get a lump checked and it was benign. Recently my grandfather was experiencing skipped beats, and I've had to deal with the death of my young cousin. Now my uncle is on hospice!

What can I do to get my mind off of these things. I don't want to obsess over this anymore. I constantly check my pulse and if any little thing is wrong I feel like I'm dying. I hate being worried all the time. I don't really want to take medication, but when I was checked by my family doctor she prescribed a very mild xanax. They help tremendously but it's not long term and I don't want to become dependent.

How do you guys deal with your anxiety? Are crowds a problem for you guys too? Ahh, I don't know what to do!

[missymunster]

Thank you both so much for your responses. My grandmother and I wereso close before she had gotten really badly ill. I actually wasn't able to bring myself to see her when she was taking her chemo and blood transfusions. I had seen her in her front yard at one point (we live right across the street) and she looked so different. It shocked me, I'd never seen her so tiny. She was so beautiful and full of life before she was diagnosed, I guess that's the way I wanted to remember her.

I still cannot bring myself to go to her grave. I feel like if I go then it's "proof" that she's gone. This is silly, but I'd rather think of her as going on a vacation to somewhere she always wanted to go. It's easier for me to deal with. I've had to deal with a lot of close family members that have passed on.

What I don't understand is when my cousin passed last June I was able to go to his funeral and visit his grave. We were very close growing up together. I didn't cry, I felt the loss, but I guess it was more shock then anything. He was so young, 27, just 3 years older then I'am.

I've never thought about therapy before, so thanks for that suggestion. My mother who is a nurse just chalked all of my panic attacks up to the same thing as you guys have, but I feel like it's just starting all over again and I don't want to be sucked in again like I was before.

Thank you for listening, it does make me feel a lot better knowing I have someone to talk to about all of this.

[mammo]

I totally agree with the above post.  Your anxiety and depression has been brought on by a traumatic experience (I'm so sorry) and with therapy you can beat this.  I personally feel that because you weren't able to come home after losing your grandmother, you didn't get any type of closure.  With therapy you can learn how to cope with this, and everything else that comes your way.  Losing a loved one is very difficult and sometimes too much for us to handle on our own, and that's why therapy is so important.  You do have control, try to think back as to what you were thinking and doing that allowed you to move beyond this, and work on that.  Keep your mind and body busy, exercise is great!  Journal your feelings and emotions, putting these things down on paper is a form of release for us....even if we just toss them away.  Or you can make it a tribute to your grandmother, with all your memories of her.  Talk, talk talk to someone about what you are feeling, it helps a lot.  Talk to us, we understand and care and are always here for you.  Often medications are needed, and you have to view this as any other medical condition that would require daily medication to control the symptoms.  We do what we need to do in order to get our lives back and live a happy and productive life.  Don't give into the wanting to sleep, you have to fight that.  There were times I could have laid down in a parking lot and slept, but my doctor told me to never give in to this, and I didn't. Do things even when you don't feel you have the energy...the more you do, the easier it will get.  I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.  Take care.

[Mitch82]

You are certainly not alone with these things, a traumatic issue can often trigger off a cycle of anxiety.  

I see that you said that you managed to recover, start driving again and take some courses.  So it is proof that you can beat your anxiety.

A major point to take away from an anxiety issue is that it is you yourself that controls it, sometimes you can get to a point where you don't even know why your anxious anymore, maybe you get anxious because you are expecting too and in the end you fear the fear itself.

It is important to talk about it, talk about it with as many trusted people you can, and when you just feel like sleeping force yourself to get out of the house go for a walk, go to the park, do anything even if it just for a little while.

Exorcise also helps it naturally releases endorphins that may combat anxiety.

I hope this helps a bit.