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1052117 tn?1285815673

**Venting

I am 31 years old and I've had anxiety problems since I can remember. When I was a child I was the typical girl eveybody made fun of and was always suffering and afraid that anything I might say or do would trigger someone to attack me or made fun of me. They took me to a psychologist when I was around 7 because I was diagnosed as hyperactive and later my mom told me that it was also because I had no friends. I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 13 but it was such a weak attempt, I don't think it should be consider like that, but I did feel like crap at the moment.

I tried to killed myself the second time when I was 20, but again, I only had some discomfort due to the pills afterwards and nothing else, so I guess that can't be consider as an attempt either. I started cutting when I was 22, so my arms, legs and stomach are full with scars and burn marks. I left college when I only had two more years to finish due to constant panic attacks, I was 22. I took it again when I was 26 and this time finished college. During the time I was studying, I had the change to go a year abroad and there I had a major breakdown but I met someone who saved my life so I'm still here.

Now, I have a job I like but the pressure to deal with the "office environment" is too much for me to handle. Last week, my team colleagues were just making jokes and started bugging me all and just making funny remarks about me and well, basically making fun of me... and I just can't take it! how stupid is that?? It kept me up all week nights and provoke major anxiety attacks for some stupid day of "good fun" I guess. I see how they pick on each other and they all take it lightly, but I get in this panic mode and I can't control it...

I am not the most beautiful girl but I am not ugly, I have a truly loving boyfriend and I can count my friends with one hand but they are good.... but I am just so tired of feeling like this... I've been afraid all my life, I've felt powerless, little, humiliated, hypocritical, sad, lonely, ALL MY LIFE!....Now, I am just trying to gather the courage to kill myself and have it done with it.. I've had a prediction that I would not live past 32 and I am feeling the pressure to make it true... I just don't want to deal with this anymore... I can't stand going out of my house, it is a torment to go to work, to talk to people... I forced myself to go to a party yesterday and it just made everything worse, I felt invisible.... and I am tired, I am just tired.....I know this is never going to end, this is my life, this is me and I don't want to be anymore.....
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1052117 tn?1285815673
Thank you so much for your answer and I understand what you are trying to tell me and can relate a bit with your experience.

I have tried to use the same techniques as you. I used to be someone that would worried too much about other people and tried to go above and beyond to help others with the great result of a lot of people taking advantage of it and just making me feel like an useless idiot. I am more selfish now and try to think about me before anybody else.

I too thought about how special some other people that had done great things have been mocked before but the truth is that I am not extraordinary. I tried to convinced myself that I was, and even had people told me how special I was, but my dad told me once that I was a very disappointing person and he was right... I am not going to do anything important in my life because fear rules me thus taking away any motivation or courage I might have to actually accomplish something.

I too thought that having degrees and diplomas would help me be someone worth of respect and self value but again, I was wrong. I finished college with two different degrees, I speak three languages, I loved reading (in past tense because now I can't even do that), I love learning new things and being a cultured person. I have all this knowledge in me and it hasn't make one bit of difference, in fact, it made things worse. I met people who showed me how insignificant me and my knowledge is and everything I've done means nothing.

I am sorry for being so negative on this message, I know how frustrating it is to talk to me, and in any case, I do try to do what you say but my fear wins most of the time so I am not able to get rid of my need to be liked and respected. I try telling myself that it doesn't matter what others think as long as I am happy but, as you must know, it is not as easy to actually believe it than just say it..

Thank you so much for taking the time to share with me your experience... I am still here. Thank you so much for caring.
Helpful - 0
1052117 tn?1285815673
Thank you for your words. I have been in treatment before for depression, bipolar disorder and social phobia and it did help for a while but I always come back to the same feelings. I am really not strong at all, or I wouldn't be giving up, but I am.

I am not planning on killing myself anytime soon, because the truth is that I don't want to die but I am not that eager to keep on living, so for the moment I'll just keep breathing.

I have tried to handle the playful teasing better in these past few days but it is exhausting to be constantly scared as I am, I am always tense as if I am waiting to be attacked at any moment and it is very draining.

I just keep seeing all my options for a happy life disappearing... I don't know how to explain it but I feel like I am slowing vanishing... it doesn't make any sense, right?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I don't know if I can offer up any sagely words of wisdom, however, at least want to say that I care.

I would never laugh at nor make fun of you and understand your sentiments.

I thought the same thing many years ago, that I would never live beyond the age of 35, but am now approaching 50.  

I realized a long time ago that you have to become selfish in certain respects to your life.  This means doing what you have to do for yourself, despite what anyone else says or does from a negative perspective.  Anyone that bags on another person, is doing so because of their own faults and problems, finding scapegoats to draw the attention away from their own adversities and short-comings.

Interestingly enough, as I write this, I am listening to " All you Zombies " by the Hooters, and in the lyrics is this :  

"No one ever spoke to Noah
They all laughed at him instead
Working on his ark, working all by himself. "

If you read about most famous historical figures, they all were laughed at, and accomplished whatever they wanted to do, by themselves.  They didn't care what others thought, they did what they wanted to do for themselves, no matter what others said or did.

I have a hard time leaving my house, and decided to do things that "I" like or always wanted to do.  I bought an inexpensive native american flute to play around with, and although many people laugh about it, since I can't really play any real "songs" on it, I am not doing FOR them.  IF I like how the sounds come out, that is good enough for me.

I attended 3 colleges, several tech schools, and a host of classes to get certifications.  All in some sort of quest to make myself more acceptable to others in society.  

I learned that's just the way some people are,there is nothing I can do about it.

We live here and now, not yesterday, nor tomorrow.  What happened yesterday is gone, and tomorrow isn't here, yet.  We have to learn to let what happened in the past, even if it is perhaps a few minutes ago, to stay in the past.  By thinking about anything that happened in the past, we are giving those moments power.  And by giving those moments in the past, any power, takes away from the power and focus of where we actually live, which is in the HERE and NOW.  

Tomorrow, if we live in the here and now, will take care of itself.  No reason to direct any power to something that doesn't exist, yet.  

Find something positive to do for yourself to do here and now.  Whether it it tooting away on a native american flute or playing drums on some old Tupperware, if it makes "you" feel good, do it.

Maybe get some canvas and just smear paint all over it.  Let your feelings flow outward, whether it be by sound or sight.

Thats what the native american flute does for me, I can exhale all my pent up emotions out through the flute.  

And, .when everyone laughs at me when I am tooting away on the flute, oh well, it's not about them to begin with, so, really,  what do I care ?

I like it and that's what counts, isn't it ?  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You had a difficult childhood which has left you scarred.  It's sad because the kids who are bullys are the ones with a problem, and pick on others in order to make themselves feel better.  They normally don't amount to much, while you have!  Unfortunately until you can let go of the past, these kids still have power over you, and you need to take back that power.  See a psychiatrist and the two of you can determine what treatment would be best for you....therapy...medication, or both.  You are very sensitive to playful teasing, and have every reason to be!!!!  Just know that it's never to be taken seriously, it's about being able to laugh at yourself.  Please don't allow those stupid kids to define who and what you are today, you are better than that and them!  You've come too far, to give up now.  You need help with this, some things are just too much for us to handle alone, and this is one of those!  With help you will feel more sociable, less timid, and more relaxed around others.  Trust me, this forum is full of people dealing with these issues, we understand and do care.  Your past is haunting you, and with help you can put this to rest, put a period on that part of your life and move forward.  You've made it through college and have a wonderful man in your life...it's time for you to be truly happy.
You've got to be a strong person to have endured all you have, now you need to realize that you need help with this.  Forgive those in your past that have hurt you.  It doesn't mean you condone their actions, or that you would want to be friends with them, it is merely laying down the anger and walking away, leaving God to deal with them.  You can have the happy life you want and deserve, just ask for help.  I know you were just venting, but you have many reasons to live and YOU are the biggest reason.  I wish you all the best and big hugs to you, I know how difficult it can be.  Take care.
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