You, my dear, are in a dangerous nose dive and need to get yourself some help immediately...........if not sooner.
You have several options and I strongly suggest you choose one of them right now and act on it.
Since you are legally an adult, you don't have to tell your parents any of this, but if you have a good relationship with them, especially your mother, tell her now what has happened and that you need her help. Call her at work if that's where she is.............this can NOT wait.
Call the facility where you had the abortion and tell them what is happening to you. Tell them the entire truth! Tell them in the past you had once thought about suicide. If they don't have mental health counselors on staff, they can direct you to one.
Call a friend and have them drive you either to an Urgent Care Clinic or the ER.
If you call your PCP and tell them this is urgent or an emergency, they will just tell you to call 911............which is definitely an option open to you.
If you feel these options are too drastic and your mental health is not that fragile, I still believe you should contact the facility where you had the procedure ASAP to arrange to talk to someone. They will help you figure out what to do.
If you really ARE in a bad way, at the end of being able to cope, PLEASE call the National Suicide Hot Line at 1-800-784-2433.
Right now your thoughts and feelings are totally overwhelming you but ALL of these can be dealt with by people who care and understand what you're going through.
If your mother is not physically or emotionally available to you, have a friend or a trusted adult come be with you. I don't think being alone right now is the best thing for you. You reached out to us........total strangers, PLEASE reach out for a friend to take your hand.
Try to calm down and see that you are going through a terrible storm, but like all storms, it will pass.
If you can't find anyone to talk to, please post back to us!
You're going to make it through this............
It may really you to know that other women experienced this after an abortion. I went through that emotional upheaval myself and, like you, I was pretty clear headed although I really put a lot of thought in making my decision and in view of my circumstances. I was okay for a while after, and then the emotional upheaval hit me, I couldn't make sense of how I was feeling, and everything was dramatic. I think hormones came into play, but I also think there was grief, anger, a delayed emotional shock, who knows. I just knew I wasn't doing well.
So, I called around, and asked friends of mine who had abortions in the past, and even, a couple of gynecologist friends, my therapist (who really didn't understand or knew "why" I felt that way. They sympathized with me, but I really didn't give me much help. I don't know if they blocked their memory of what happens afterwards emotionally, or if they just didn't want to talk about it, but they pretty much said it would pass and it was good I was seeing a therapist.
It was one of my my best friends, who is gay and a guy,, who accompanied me to have the procedure done (He was last pick, amd the only one available, All my other women friends couldn't come with me for one reason or another. Besides, he was great at crisis intervention, a calm, kind and strong fellow) who gave me the best advice. Thisworked for me, I don't know if it will worked for you. He thought I should take a week off and get away from it all. He knew me very well. What sort of a person I was, and he reminded me that I've gone through worse things than this, but he can see ot hit me deep. I was running circles in my head, and like you, doing off the wall things, not in my nature. He reasoned that anything where big decisions are made, a person will always go through some kind of mental processing afterwards, and it's always a personal journet, unique to that person, and length of time varies going through it.
I needed directtion, so I took his advice. I took a week off and basically stayed in a quiet, beautiful place with lots of hiking trails, wildlife and beautiful grand scenery. The only other person was the friend of his who housed me in his in law cottage, and he wasn't around very much, although he checked on me every day, and offered to make me dinner when I wanted company. He knew I was there to get over something, I went through an emotional wringer while I was there, and it was painful. I wrote down whatever was in my head on pieces of paper and brown shopping bags, I couldn't stand being in my own skin, and prayed it would go away. I hiked alot. While I was hiking, I was talking outloud, crying, singing, and even screamed a few times, Then, I would come back and cry some more on the bed and wrote some more. After the fith day, I felt a lot better, enough to sleep soundly, feel hungry and have dinner and talk about it with the guy who's house I stayed in. He was a good listener and just the perfect person to be there. It turned out, he was a retired psychologist. I found that out when I got home. He was bery low key and didn't talk much about himself.
I hope that helps you. I just have to say, try not to act on impulses. I know it is hard, but have a plan to distract yourself, I walked it off, basically while running with it, and I had to stay on the path. It's not just one thing that is making you feel this way. Hormones, anger, grief, disappointment in myself for getting in that predicament, and a whole bunch of other feelings, It comes in waves, but mostly it was very intense and horrible. I didn't drink alcohol, take anti anxiety meds or whatever. Around that time, I hardly took any sort of medication. I did drink coffee and, at the tine, I loved diet coke.
It's still a bit personal to me. I hardly talk about it. I only shared this to let you know that you aren't going crazy and that you aren't alone.
Take Ruby Witch's advice if you cannot control the impulses and be safe. I was watched over by people, and I had enough awareness not to act on impulses or make major decisions like breaking up with boyfriends. You need a "time out." It isn't a time for "business as usual."