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hello. do i have ocd or am i just having a sexual orientation crisis?

Okay, so I believe I am a heterosexual female, and I've never had sexual crushes on females. I can remeber my first crushes to be males, I remeber liking these two boys in kindergarten and liking male cartoon characters. since then ive always developed crushes on boys, imagining taking them home to meet my family. In grade 2, i thought of this one girl to be cute as in child cute, and i said "Awhh youre so cute!" and she thought i was a lesbian (funny how children know what lesbian was in grade 2), and i knew what it was but i shrugged it off because i knew i wasnt into her that way, she just reminded me of a little kid. And I had a crush on a guy then too. As the years went on, my parents called me a lesbian because i never shared with them who i like because i didnt want to be teased about it, and they would torment me with questions like "so, have you kissed a girl?" and i was grossed out and it didnt bother me when they called me that because i knew i liked guys. i like all sorts of guys, but not manly manly guys. as long as they were a guy, that was fine with me. but then a few weeks ago i had a sexual thought of a bisexual friend and that made me think, "oh, arent you a lesbian then?" and i cried and had anxiety and didnt want to look at pictures of women, be around female family members or friends because i was afraid i was a lesbian. im also afraid to be around butchy looking girls because they look like guys and im afraid ill fall for them or something because they have manly  traits i like in the opposite sex. i imagine a girl kissing me then i see myself pushing them away and being like "i dont kiss girls", and kissing a girl is very unsettling to me. i thought i had crushes on women but i realized it was admiration, and i did look at pictures of women online but i wanted to look like them and get ideas so i can impress guys. i realized i never liked guys the way my friends did because they like guys for looks, but i did for PERSONALITY, and they were not attractive but my heart still wanted them. I dont want to be a lesbian or bisexual and i see lesbians saying "i was always straight then i realized i was a lesbian" and that made me cry because i dont want to be with girls, no offense a female persoanlity isnt what i romantically want, but i get thoughts "oh what if you like her romatically" and im just like ****. i want to be happy again liking boys, and whenever i liked a boy i always felt complete. liking a girl, its not uncomofrtable but its like im incomplete. like im in a realtionship with a family member romatically and it disgusts me. sorry this is a lot but do i have ocd? because ive had this before with death, and now my sexual orientation. help please?
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480448 tn?1426948538
I would check out our OCD forum...there are SO many threads there about HOCD.  The CL down there, JGF does a great job, check out her thread "anatomy of a horrific thought".  It does a nice job explaining how this cycle of thinking works, and some ways to try to stop it.

Understand I'm not saying you have OCD (I wouldn't be surprised at all if you did)...but just pointing you in a direction that I think would  be helpful.

I think you should seek professional help to determine what exactly you're dealing with, and the best way to proceed.  None of us for sure can tell you what you have and don't have.  You describe a very typical case of HOCD, for the most part.  You need to seek some help to sort this out, and be able to start addressing it.

Just FYI...OCD CAN manifest without the compulsions, that's been coined "Pure O".  More offen than not, there is some kind of "checking" behavior, or compulsion.  For some people, it might be less severe than for others.

God luck!
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Avatar universal
What you have is obsessive thinking that is bothering you.  The content of what is bothering you is very common, many people go through a sexual orientation crisis but it passes with time.  What you don't describe is OCD, which involves not just obsessive thinking but also compulsive behaviors.  Whether you're gay or straight or bi isn't important, that's just the way you turn out to be, but worrying about it so much is the problem.  I'd discuss this with a counselor to reassure yourself this is a normal concern of people.
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Avatar universal
Hi and thank you for sharing this, I am going through something similar, I used to be afraid of death too, I learned to get over it with accepting it in a biblical way, also, woman in my church have also helped me to get over it. Also, along with your orientation I'm going through the same. Maybe you should talk to a Dr. about hormones, they have a lot to do with your body. Also, I'm going to go see a Christian councilor for help, this could be a good idea for you too, I hope all gets better soon, also look up exodus international.org
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Avatar universal
thank you so much for sharing your story. my ocd is making me overthink every interaction with the same sex, and it provoked more by reading other peoples hocd stories, which make me more anxious. im afraid ill never like being with the opposite sex and this bothers me to a point where i dont know who i am anymore, even though I used to be so confident in what i wanted.
Helpful - 0
4047824 tn?1349294950
To start out I know how you feel. I've been through this but in a different way. I am a heterosexual male, but was always forced to believe that I was gay by somebody that was in my life just because I had not lost my virginity to a woman yet when I was 12. The thoughts came and went throughout my life because of this person. I have had OCD since I was sixteen years old and have the mental illness strongly. I know what's it like, and I understand those thoughts repeating in your head and not going away. The first thing to do is just breathe. I have been in therapy for a few years now and have learned many coping strategies along the way. Don't be so hard on yourself about what your going through. I would definitely seek out therapy which will greatly benefit you. I know those thoughts can be annoying, but start by first accepting them and then taking that one step action by slowly putting one foot in front of the other and seeking the help you need. Maybe your parents might be able to join in on the therapy, they should not be teasing you about things like that, but that's really not my place to make judgments. Just want to let you know that your not alone.
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Avatar universal
no but soon. hopefully im not what i fear.
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Avatar universal
It sounds like it may be OCD. I'm not a Dr though and can't diagnose you with anything. Are you in therapy for the OCD?
Helpful - 0
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