New "step-mom" needs advice

[marysmom8]

My 13 year old "step-son" has Asperger's syndrome.  He cusses all the time.  The first time I heard it, I said something to his mother, and she said, "He can't help it".  My question is, is this really a symptom of Asperger's?  Or is this just something he's getting away with that his sisters can't?

Thank you

[Angela77]

As a step-mother myself, I suggest that you leave the parenting to the parents.  If you try to correct your step-son's behavior to him, it could interfere with your ability to form/maintain a relationship with him.  I am not saying that you should do nothing.  You can research the problem and find some interventions that work.  I also suggest that you discuss this problem with your husband so he and his ex can formulate a way to address the behavior.  A Speech and Language Therapist AND a Behavior Analyst would be helpful resources in identifying the apporpriate way to address the problem.  They will be able to help determine if this is a speech issue or one of behavior.  It could be that your step-son is attempting to get attention as a result of this behavior (in which case you would prevent him from getting access to attention when he exhibits the behavior) or if  the behavior is a result of a lack of understanding of "cursing" (in which case the Speech Therapist could address it in teaching the pragmatics of language) or some other cause.

[Sally44]

The reason he is using these words is because he has heard them either from a person, TV or films.  As part of the diagnosis of Aspergers means that they don't get social cues/taboos and have problems with language and communication, he is not going to automatically pick up which words are cussing and if he is able to work that out, he then won't automatically learn the social side of language eg. all teenagers cuss, but they probably understand they can do in with their friends, but not infront of their parents, teachers etc.  He won't understand that 'unspoken social rule'.  He also won't understand why it is okay for some people on some occasions to cuss.  He won't be able to differentiate.  He will think it is unfair if you try to stop him, but he hears other family members cussing.  They can be very black and white (literal) thinkers.  
This really is down to mum and dad to discuss with help from professionals about how they can teach him appropriate language.  A Speech and Language Therapist (SALT)should really be involved because they also affects social interaction skills.
Does he repeat words/phrases from TV?  If he does that is delayed echolalia and a SALT should be made aware of this and should assess his speech as echolalia is a speech disorder.  He may rely on TV/film phrases to make up his speech.  If that is the case it will be even harder to remove the cussing because he is lifting who dialogues from TV/films and putting them together like a verbal puzzle.  This also indicates he does not have as good a grasp of language as first impressions indicate.  He expressive and receptive speech should be assessed and he should be assessed to see if he has Semantic Pragmatic Speech Disorder.
In the meantime, if you can talk to eachother, you could explain to him that some words are rude words and that many people don't like to hear them.  Tell him what the rude words are.  Say that alot of adults do use them sometimes, but that many adults try not to use them.  Try not to say 'these are bad words and bad people say them', because he will take a literal translation of that ie. 'I use bad words = I am a bad person'.
Try not to stress out about it.  
Hope that helps.

[es1973]

My son has aspergers and cussing is not part of it. They will repeat what they hear. Does the mother cuss? Also, have you talked to his father ( your husband) about it. My suggestion is find out what is being done by his mother and your husband to help him deal with his condition. Yes it can be helped, unless he does have touretts. You are in a very touchy situation because you are the step mom. Do a lot of research on his condition. And yes do talk to a doctor on how to explain to him that cussing is not good. But make sure you talk to your husband first. It's hard, i know. His condition can be tough to deal with but it can also be managed to make your life and his easier. I don't know how your relationship is with him but get to know what he likes. My son is very loyal to people he trust and will listen to them. As a mother of a child with aspergers, please learn all you can on how to help him and how to best deal with his condition. They are very loving kids and need us more than they lead on. Best of luck

[888mom]

Does he have tourettes?  Or maybe he just doesn't understand the social issues with cussing.  He shouldn't "get away" with it, but I guess he'd have to be addressed differently to get him to stop.  Not sure how... maybe ask a child psychologist or a developmental pediatrician?  You definitely need a professional to help you assess why he's doing it and at least a therapist if not a doctor to give you advice on how to get him to stop.  Well, is just my opinion.  I am not good in figuring these things out on my own... I find my daughter's therapist immensely invaluable.  She comes twice a month to her house (I pay her privately).  There's always some issue to work on, even if it's just a normal development issue that a normal preschooler deals with... parenting is hard work, and then you throw in a developmental issue... well, it's just hard work sometimes.