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joint custody

My child is 3.5 years old and has lived with myself and two siblings since birth.  He was diagnosed with ASD a little over 6 months ago.  I am a single mother but have made certain to keep his father involved with his son as much as possible.  His father is now asking for a joint custody arrangement where our son would transfer homes each week.  I am not comfortable with this as our son has difficulty adjusting between the homes when away for extanded periods (more than 4 days).  Is there any literature on this topic to back-up my claims that the child needs stability and structure in both rules and environment.  He is an only child at his fathers house and has 3 adults to entertain him there.  At my house he has siblings and frequently takes his aggressions out on his disabled sister when he returns from extended visits elsewhere.  It is a completely different environment than home.

His father and I no longer speak to one another and he is no longer welcome in my home.  Our ability to work together is nill and there is alot of negativity.  What can I do to best serve the needs of my children in this situation?
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470168 tn?1237471245
Your son is just over 3 years old, and he will make a lot of progress over the next few years.  When I think back to how my son was and how he is now he has developed so much.  When he was 3 he used to vomit on impulse if I turned the TV off, or tried to get him out the house - it was a nightmare.  He would frequently throw tantrums, and to begin with I had no idea why.  With hindsight it is all obvious now.
Actually he isn't hyperactive at all.  He is impulsive and has some attention and focus problems.  But he would be quite happy to spend the whole weekend watching DVDs and making lego models.  He does tend to get hyper just before bedtime, but I put up with that because the rest of the time he is so passive.
We've just started a listening therapy called Listening With the Whole Body, that was overseen by the Occupational Therapist.  Apparently there is clinical evidence that this therapy has results in all areas of difficulty.  And we are seeing some improvements, although there are also other therapies and things going on at the same time which could also account for some of the improvements.  But I have seen recent improvements in his speech and social interaction, physical co-ordination, less rigid, happy to leave the house, eating new foods, being aware of people and interacting more, showing real imagination and not just repeating stuff he has already seen from TV.
Your partner and his girlfriend might run a mile if they thought they would have sole custody.  Especially if the responsibility falls onto the girlfriends shoulders.  
Do you feel he (and she) has a good understanding of his son's needs?
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Avatar universal
My son sounds alot like yours.  He does enjoy new places and meeting new people, however his hyperactivity while there, makes it difficult for the people taking him.  He seems to have to discover everything and cannot sit still at all.  The biggest problem with it, is that he is thrown for a couple of days afterwards, even if he is over-all well behaved when he's there.  It takes him a bit to realise that he isnt going to be going back every day.  It frustrates him that it isnt now a part of his routine, and so he lashed out with behaviors.  He becomes physical with other children and caregivers and unwilling to cooperate in his normal setting.  I honestly dont know how it affects him at his father's house, but I am assuming that it is not as bad, as he pretty much gets 100% attention from them and there is less stimulation there.

I do not believe that being in his fathers care is a bad situation for him. But I know that when he returns from time with his father, that his speech has noticably regressed and his vocabulary is mostly centered around "potty talk".  His ability to cooperate with his siblings and other children is almost nill and his hyper active behaviours are increased for at least 4 days.

His father worked away for 3 weeks a little while ago, and during that period, when he was not transitioning between the households, he was a dream child.  Calm, cooperative, happy and eating and sleeping wonderfully.  Even my parents, who enjoy stealing him overnight occassionally, could not believe the difference in his ability to communicate and self-calm.  He was the picture of a contented child whom everyone enjoyed.  It makes me so sad to think that because of our own needs to be with him, that we are upsetting this balance so badly.

If his father insists on the week in and week out, I think I would have to ask him to take him full time, with me doing weekend visits instead, just so that our boy has the consistancy that he needs.  The problem with that would be that his father's girlfriend would ultimately be raising my son, as he works away every second week.  While I am home 24/7 for my children, it is hard to accept that someone else would be raising him during that time.  

Oh that I had an eyeglass to see what the future held.  I would know what to do and when.
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470168 tn?1237471245
Sometimes children on the autistic spectrum find it easier to go into totally new environments rather than ones they are more familiar with.  For example they may have less difficulties going on holiday to a new destination than visting a familar place because they will have expectations and routines for that familar place; whereas going to a new place they don't have any previous experience of.  I don't know if your child is like that - but that is something to consider ie. holidays may be easier for him than going to the fathers house?  My own son can be like that.  He can be happy to go somewhere new and not have a need for the rigid routines or expectations that he would have if we returned to a familar place.  But not all children on the spectrum are like that.  You really need to have a good grasp of what your child can and cannot tolerate.
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470168 tn?1237471245
I think getting the help and support from professionals working with, and familiar with your son is going to be helpful because they will recognise what the difficulties are and should be able to put something in writing to that effect.  Otherwise your ex-partner may get the impression that you are just being awkward.  This must be a very common problem, so I am hopeful that they will have some suggestions that will make the access more successful.  
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Avatar universal
While I am certain that he needs his father in his life, I believe that the problems which arrive after a week away from home, are difficult for everyone.  I have suggested every second weekend from Thursday to Monday mornings when he can drop our son off at early intervention, he seems to think that this is not enough.  The father is looking after his own wants at this point and I dont believe the needs of the child are being taken into consideration on this at all.

I will get ahold of the doctor and pshychologist who works with our son to see what they suggest.  Thank you for the arrow, it's a difficult road right now.
Helpful - 0
470168 tn?1237471245
I think if you just googled "symptoms of autistic spectrum disorder", you would repeatedly get 'difficulties with changes to routine', 'changes to expectations' 'changes in environments' 'concrete thinking' 'literaly interpretation of language' etc.  These are all ways of thinking and processing that are going to be affected by a change in home environment, house rules, routines and caregiver.  It also would depend on the level of functioning your son has.  Some can cope with change better than others.  Is this something that can be worked on, or do you think he is just going to find the changes too much to cope with.
I think you could get something in writing from a Clinical Psychologist or Developmental Paediatrician who has experience of diagnosing aspergers.  Maybe going back to the doctor who initially diagnosed him?
Apart from the problems that change cause, do you think it would be beneficial for him to meet his father?  Surely it is a positive thing that he does want contact, you just need to find a way that is going to work.
This must be a common difficulty.  If you are in the UK you could contact the National Autistic Society as they must have information about these types of situations.
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