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667409 tn?1309152183

One month ago today...

my sweet Ian left this world. I miss him so intensely that sometimes I can't breathe. I think about his sweet little face and how content he looked when I was nursing him and hold him and my heart aches. Will the pain ever end? Will I be happy again? I try to be thankful that I had him for eight weeks...but I feel so cheated! I'm angry that he was taken from me. I have all this love I want to give my baby, and no baby to give it to. I've gone back to work now, and I can't concentrate. I'm so sad I almost can't function. But I'm trying so hard because I have a husband and other children that love me. This is hell!

Tricia
8 Responses
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229760 tn?1291467870
Oh Trish! I know right now it seems like there is no possible way that your life will be "normal" again, but in some sense it will. It is hard to believe that the world still turns when ours has stopped. Your heart will always long for Ian, your arms will always ache just to hold him one last time. That is a pain that will never go away. But the pain that takes your breath away, the pain that makes you angry, the pain that seems unbearable.... that pain will start to ease, my friend.  

I am glad to hear you went back to work. That was part of my saving grace.  Being that my little Coop passed away in the summer, I had a few weeks off before I had to return to teaching and it was a million times worse being at home alone.  Returning to work also made me feel kind of like "my old self" while I was over there. Believe there were days when I left as soon as I got there because I could not stop crying.  Lean on those at work that bring you comfort. Mine happen to be the school guidance counselor.

I wish I could tell you that on January 10 all your pain will be gone, but I can't. Just know that your pain will lessen and you will start to see the good in the world again.  

This may seem meaningless to you but I wanted to share. I know you said you have so much love to give Ian. Why not turn that love into a huge charity in honor of Ian. For Cooper's first Christmas we had a huge toy drive for Children's Hospital it was such a success we had to rent a uhaul to bring the toys. This "distraction" took away so much pain and I did not even realize how much I was healing during that time.  You may want to do something like that to profit Brain Tumor research.  It is just a thought.....

I am always here for you, anytime you need. You have my phone number so feel free to call day or night. You are not alone Tricia, so please do not feel like you have to do this alone.

I love you girly!!!

Rachel
Helpful - 0
693804 tn?1304720474
Tricia, I read your story on the other forum and it just broke my heart. I wish I had the right words to say to you to make you feel a little better, but I know thats impossible. Please know that I will continue to pray for you and your family that you will somehow find the strength to heal. Hugs to you.......Lori
Helpful - 0
127124 tn?1326735435
Tricia- I think of you often.   I wish there was a way to ease your pain but we all know that isn't possible.  Just remember we are here to listen if you need to talk, vent, cry, etc.      
Helpful - 0
362249 tn?1441315018
I am really and truly sorry! I really can't imagine the pain of losing a child! I did want to tell you that my DH's cousin passed away in 2007 from the same thing! But she was 21 yrs old but still it was so so hard to see my DH's family so torn! and the same thing happened one day she was a "healthy" 21 yr old she had a son a husband she was attending college but she also had what the drs called "migraines" for about 6 months we thought she was fine but she wasnt her face started twitching one day and she passed out at the drs office she was rushed for a Cat-scan the horrible news was delievered but still she was sent home and scheduled surgery a week later! well the next day she had a brain stroke and was rushed by EMS to the hospital emergency surgery was peformed but it was too late the day the original surgery was scheduled we were told she was brain dead! We buried her a week later!

I know this is about your lil Ian just wanted to share my story with you! So prayers for you and Ian and your family! and like have2kids said we may not all understand your pain nor can we make it go away but we are ALL here for support! *hugs*
Helpful - 0
377493 tn?1356502149
Tricia, I know I cannot even pretend to know what you are going through, but I wanted to let you know I think of you daily and keep you and your family in my prayers.  XOXO  Amanda
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i know what you are going threw my little girl died 27 july and it is killing me she was 4months and died of a heart problem never new there was anything wrong till got her to the hospital and she died the next day i am back in work the last 3 weeks only went back part time to ease myself into it found it ok at the begining but today was horrible, i feel sick every time i think of what i have gone threw just cann't beleive that we have to go threw something so terrible and heart breaking. Im so sorry you are dealing with this allso, this was my first and she was so wanted and had everything and was brought
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i know what you are going threw i lost my little girl taylor 27 july she was 4 months and had a heart condition which we never new about till we took her to the hospital and she passed away the next day soooo unexpected. it kills me everyday. i also stared back work 3 weeks ago it was fine the first couple of weeks but today was terrible could not stop thinking about her and what she went threw. it is so hard to see that we have to go threw something to horrible. i am so sorry you had to deal with this. taylor was our first child and she was sooo wanted had everthing and was brought everywere hoildays zoo. i was so looking forward to having her and loving her but i hope one day i will have more. please look after youself....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
sorry posted two started to post first one and lost it thought i deleted it and started again, she yous all now your head does be all over the place sorry again
Helpful - 0
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