A sick challenge from my therapist??

[rogelio63]

The last time I met with my therapist, he made a comment about me feeling suicidal for 35 years but I hadn't followed through with it.  I know he didn't mean as a challenge, but that's what I can't get out of my head.  That I'm a coward that I haven't followed through with it, and it's like a dare or something.

[lindahand]

Sometimes depression lies to us, and I think it is lying to you right now. It wants you to believe it was a challenge. It wants you to believe that it is a good reason to walk down that suicidal street. You really need to fight those lies with some truth. What I do looks a little like this: Why would a therapist challenge me? does that make any sense? What proof do I have of it? Have they said anything else to me to make you feel suicidal on purpose? So if it doesn't make any sense is it true? No. Then what else is going on to make me feel this way? What do I need to address that I am avoiding by thinking these thoughts? Is this just the bipolar talking and I need to ignore it? Do I need some outside help? It is about taking that thought and working it through until you see the truth in it. It is best if you do it with a pen and paper.

[zsadia]

I agree with all the other answers. I think your therapist might have come across a bit harsh but in reality they really wanted to commend  you for holding out as long as you did because most people with mental illness are weak and have attempted at least once/twice, myself included but it's definitely not something I am proud of in the least bit.  However, someone like you I am certainly proud of and can look up to as an example and great comfort that if you can overcome all those negative feelings and ideas, so can I. Hang in there, keep seeing a therapist because talk therapy certainly helps and remember all the folks on this community are there to  share in your experiences and you're definitely not alone!

[Jade59]

I am so glad you posted your thoughts, Rodger.  I feel scared for you because, well, because I'm scared for Me and we are alike. I cannot add to the already terrific answers...which helped me, also!  Question for you, though...if you weren't already feeling down and frustrated, do you think you would have taken your therapist's comment in the same manner?  You've been having a rough time lately and you're looking for a meaning that wasn't there, my friend.  You want to think he was daring you, but your healthy mind knows that's untrue.  And you are not a coward, Rodger, but exactly the opposite. It's tough living with constant suicidal thoughts, I know, but this here thinking is the *reason* you're seeing your therapist and the perfect subject to bring up next time!    

[ILADVOCATE]

   Yes I have had thoughts of this nature more so in the past but I never tried to carry them out. I think that's the distinction they were trying to point out. At times, mainly in the past I have had thoughts that life was not worth living either from the depressive aspect of schizoaffective or events in my life that made me depressed but I in no manner attempted to carry them out. I have always discussed these concerns with my psychiatrist and understanding the difference between thoughts of ideas that might be harmful and the realistic urge to carry them out is an important part of recovery. I believe that's what they meant even if they phrased it in a  manner that might have sounded inappropriate.

[Anneinside]

I once told a therapist I was going to inject air into my veins to kill myself. He said it wasn't possible because I couldn't get a syringe. I went directly to a pharmacy and told them I wanted to inject glue into a joint in a chair and wanted to buy a syringe to do it. He said he couldn't sell me one but would give me one. I attempted. Obviously, I don't do well when challenged.

[Xila31]

Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not the illness. It's like if you have a flu you have a fever, but the fever is not the illness, even though a dangerous symptom. I've been starting to see suicidal thoughts like the lightning in the storm. Lightning lasts for only a moment, but it can be deadly if it strikes, but it doesn't always strike, it just flashes in the sky...

I think it is better that you have never attempted. I have twice. It failed both times but no one did anything, it was just dumb luck and my own naive thinking that it failed. You have to fight it. You have to. Fighting it makes you stronger than attempting. Attempting is giving up, fighting means you are strong. I think anyone who says "oh if you're suicidal then go do it," they are idiots. How many of us can reach out because of that? How many of us can go up to someone and tell them and they will put their arms around us and tell us it is going to stop? I know I can't. I know I have to fight by myself. It's hard, but I do it anyway, even when I feel like I can't I have to.

And if I attempt again, I know I failed not just me but everyone else around me.

[discomposed]

I had a similar problem. I've had suicidal thoughts and urges since my early teens (about 15 years now), but never acted on them... until earlier this year on an impulse. Unlike yourself however, it was me who insisted the thoughts weren't an issue, because I had a plan in place to ensure it wouldn't happen... and then it did. So never take suicidal thoughts and urges lightly, and look at yourself as brave and strong for holding on for so long, because 35 years is a heck of a lot longer than I lasted, and I wish I could say that I was still that strong!

I don't know what comment the therapist made, but is it possible that he meant to construe that you were stronger than you think for having gone so long without attempting? Either way, it's something worth discussing with your therapist, why he said what he said. Asking him may give you a better understanding of what he meant; it may be that he simply chose the wrong words to explain what he thought or observed - therapists are, of course, human too, and sometimes us humans really suck with words. If he really is/was writing it off, you need to discuss that with him and consider finding a new therapist that will take your concerns seriously.

Keep holding on if you can. I can never take back my attempt, or the way people look at me since. I wish I could rewind the clock and find a way to stop myself - you still have that chance.