Bored with Stability

[lagatta]

O.K. this may seem a little strange.  I'm doing much better and living I guess what would be called a normal life.  But I miss the chaos, drama, ups & downs and instability.  Isn't that crazy?  But normalcy seems so dull.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Am I just idealizing my past emotional instability?  Maybe now that things aren't so crazy I have all this time on my hands that I don't know how to fill.

[Jikan]

What you are feeling is completely normal. Many of us who suffer from bipolar disorder often miss the drama and excitment associated with a manic stage.
I have even discontinued taking my medications in an attempt to regain that feeling and all I managed to do was to end up in hospital.
The boredom in your life is somewhat attributed to be stabilized and living a seemingly "normal" existence. But, I assure you that, in the long run, you'll be much better off.
What you should try to do is find other outlets to relieve your boredom. I've tried skydiving, scuba diving, rock climbing and started hiking again and I've found that these activities provide enough of a "rush" to minimize my boredom.
Even simple and inexpensive hobbies such as sudoku, crossword puzzles, playing chess and reading can also fill those empty periods.
Another outlet is volunteering at your local library, red cross, or food bank can be very rewarding.
I think you'll also find that just becoming a member of this community and sharing your experiences or just talking with others will help with your lonliness.
I have found that the people here are compassionate, supportive and very knowledgable, so welcome aboard and I hope that you find that which you seek.
Please let us know how you're doing and I'm sure you'll overcome those feeling of wanting to return to a negative lifestyle.

Michael(Jikan)

[ILADVOCATE]

Actually when I was adjusting the Clonidine recently I had a "rush" of elation before it kicked in. It was unnerving and I didn't like it at all. I do remember enjoying hypomanic days before my current recovery from schizoaffective disorder but when I look back I didn't accomplish much on those days. Because of racing thoughts and inflated ideas they just seemed important. Its nice to enjoy the real world as it is. Once I could I put more meaning in my life by reaching out to others, something I could not do before.        
    Happiness does not come from mania. It just seems that way. Look at people who do not have a disability. Think where their happinness and everyday enjoyment of life comes from. My recovery started when I stepped out of my own shell and reached out to others. Now no matter how bad things get I have a full sense of meaning in life. I started small by volunteering at a homeless shelter in 1997 and moved on from there and that was when I was on standard treatment. Things like that are good as well anything the other poster described. The less you feel self isolated the more you enjoy life, no matter what you do as long as its constructive.

[LeftCoastChick]

I'm slightly jealous - the longest I've gone w/put a depressive episode so far is 6 weeks, but then I bounce the other way. I was worried about all the meds dulling me out, so far they haven't . I've mostly been mildly hypomanic, more like ADD, I have a life again though. I can get out of bed, and do things. Miracles never cease. I don't compare myself to others, everyone has their own personal "demons", they just don't show it.

[Narnia41]

I understand exactly how you feel.  I too feel bored, lonely, and miss all the highs.  So I came off my mood stabilizers 3 months ago leaving me only on anti-depressant and guess what...I think I'm in a mixed state and it's so horrible.  I started the mood stabilizers again yesterday, as I just want out of this agitation, and stability has to be better than this.

I think we tend to 'glamourize' the hypomanic episodes, remembering the good bits yet it's easy to forget how potentially dangerous they can be.  Mine ended in catastrophe most times, then comes the paranoia, guilt and self reproach.

Yes I think stability is dull, haven't yet found out how to occupy my time if I have any energy, but I'm looking into volunteering like ILADVOCATE, as I don't want to become any more isolated than I already am.

Good luck

[bernie40]

I feel the same way with the exception that I know that after an "up" comes a "down".  The things I miss from hypomania are the increased energy and the intense concentration.  When I'm not hypomanic I have no energy at all and have all the outward signs of a depressed person even though I'm not depressed.

I often wish for a short spurt of hypomania so I can actually get out there and do something.

I stick to my meds though because I also don't want to go crashing down, I really really cannot face another bad low.

[BeeKeeper]

Feel the same too.  Went on Lith. a few weeks ago and it has made all the difference in the word combined with the lamictal I was already taking...it has even allowed me to come of one of the two night time meds I was taking to sleep.  Problem is - as you said - I feel my emotions have just been dulled.  I guess i have been so use to swings over many years - severe over the last two - that I just feel that I'm not feeling anything any more...good or bad.  i still have depressed states but am not huddled in a corner.  I still have increased states but feel as though even those have been muted.

I know this is a good thing and as bulldozer mentioned, I don't miss the crash that comes after the high...those moment when I am dangerous to myself.  Sometimes I just think i should 'feel' more.  Is an odd state to be in...a state I can't remember being in for a long time.

[freefallingsj]

I too miss the energy, the never say die attitude.  I call that the old me.  The new me is stable but don't feel much of anything.  Every now and again I feel like getting something done but mostly I feel just "there".  We are going to be "toying" with the meds to see if we can get some energy back.  This is better than the downs I use to go through.

[lagatta]

Thank you all for you response!  Yes, I definitely feel numb.  I’m on 175 mg. Lamictal and 50 mg Seroquel.  JIKAN, I will try an extreme sport and ILADVOCATE , I will also try to volunteer.  I hope these suggestions help!  I’m definitely addicted to the highs and lows.

[hell1971]

I told my doc I would miss the highs but as he said im sure you wont miss the lows and since I have always had mainly mixed episodes or depression the short lived hypomania has to be sacrificed but I am optimistic today that I can get back some normality, and unlike lots of you I managed to dodge the hosptial visit but only just and this is too scarey, this last year I feel I have been to hell and back and both doors are still open at the moment but the hell door most close as far as I am concerned and i will do what ever it takes.

[therese83]

You can get out there and do something exciting!

Start some new enterprise or sport or business, you can create excitement in your life in a healthy way.

If you push yourself to achieve you will get the same 'buzz', that is how you will do it!
A silly example I bought 2 old vases this morning 50 cent each greasy/brown and filthy and I just spent the last hour cleaning them up with my kids helping and they are amazing.  I will spend the rest of the day looking at them!

OK maybe not quite what you had in mind:-)), but Im sure you can find something!