Denial - Non Medicated - Thoughts of Just Giving Up ?

[hell1971]

I am in and out of denial since my diagnosis a few years ago, I was medicated for 4 ish years and then felt along with a new dr I was over medicated and didn't want that life any more so I came off meds and have been riding the waves of emotional instability since. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of positive stuff that I have managed to do over the non medicated year or so but I am finding it harder and harder to want to live this life of inconsistency but I really don't want to go down the medication road again just yet! will it come?, will I like the drs predict have that big fall awaiting me around the corner?, I can now see that's a possibility so what do I do with that information? am I at risk?

[hell1971]

thank you for responding, I guess if I had success on medication I would not be so anti it for me but I am truly sensitive to meds including all meds not just bp ones. im so mixed up right now trying to act normal and do and be everything that is expected of me, I am surrounded by people who too want to deny or are too scared to be honest about me. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin right now, I feel that tight anxiety in my tummy and feel like im on the edge waiting to see which way I fall. So fragile yet so strong, wanting to just stop and curl up somewhere but my life too busy and too many people relying on me that I feel overwhelmed but the lack of ability to escape. I even find myself hoping for some drama or something to happen so I can release and use that as a way of off loading some emotion that I know is just under the thin layer I call myself.  

[weaver71]

I too struggled with not wanting to be medicated. I waited until I had a nervous breakdown from recurring symptoms to start lithium. I can get manic and convince myself I didn't need meds. I finally kept a journal that helps me look back and remember the projects never finished and the deep anguish that has come and gone. So far the lithium is keeping me stable without major side effects. The side effects aren't as bad as the chaos I lived most my life. My doctor has decided to keep me at a minimum dose to keep me able to control my behavior. Anyway, I think that I will not go back to the rollercoaster. It took awhile to find a doctor who is treating me, not my blood levels. I hope this helps in some way.

[hell1971]

? Have things changed, can everyone see this post?