1317621 tn?1293042737

Depression or something else?

I just don't know what to say rather than I am sick of myself  & the continues argument as what to do, what is right what is wrong , shall I end it & how. 5 years ago I choose med school,  & the only reason I can think of is that I was used to hide between my books as they was my saviors from a family I couldn't get along with. I honestly remember  me comforting myself there will be plenty to read- silly I know!  I guess it was the same reason I wanted to study abroad  until the fear of not being able to adjust strike. ( perhaps my mother words about me isolating myself & how can others  live with me-I doubt if that was a reason because I usually I give hear a deaf ear) it might not be the family rather my personality & the way I react with them. But again I am a popular person out there. My older sister asked me once why I am not the same person in home.  
Away from school days where I was an A student. Not only that I was a member, usually a leader in almost all activity in school. the truth is my performance- or perhaps the gut to crave my books decrease in high school, but still I was among the top scorer.  Now the real issue is I have no gut to read my books & I am in medical school. at the beginning attending lectures & quick revision at the night of exams was manageable. But now, I not only escape classes but also exams, or I may set to right the exams not aware even with the main objects we are supposed to cover. Do I hate med school ? No, & although it is hard to believe I love it. I love the topics I like the core of humanity & the opportunity to help people it provide. But again I question if it is the right thing- I mean with such low mood most of the time & the popping suicidal thoughts & lack off concentration how can I help others! Maybe it is just a case of loving what I don't have/afford.

Yes it is true that after 5 years I still question my choice, but again when I ever think of transferring to other major I feel it is wrong or if in one of my highs I determine to do it I'll pick something within the medical field.
To start antidepressant or not , to end it or not, to force myself to get up or not, to change major or not!  I just don't know what I am suppose to do. & this is simply the way I was 4 years ago & to the very moment I still struggle with such stupid nonsense.

I post the same post in expert form by mistake & if anyone know how to delete it please tell me.
Just wanted to share with you guys. Glad i wrote something:)
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574118 tn?1305135284
if you are still standing on both of your legs, then my advise don't take any antidepressants. they will lead you nowhere. all of what you feel is nothing compared to what can happen after an AD : rapid cycling, anger, want to revenge (mixed state), worsening mania. Of course these do not occur right away but will take time till the AD accumulates in your body. Until then, with the AD you will be courageous, happy , achiever, liking life etc...then comes the great avalanche. so resist and the brain heals like any other organ, and this i bet on it

Some pdocs write AD's because some pts like it . it's like our Arabic proverb: grant me life today then kill me tomorrow.
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Avatar universal
have you seen a doctor about your feelings or a therapist? the fact that you say you love med school is reason for you to continue. please do not end it, you are young and have a beautiful life ahead of you. my daughter went through bad times with depression and having trouble in school and even getting motivated to go to school but is now thriving and happily living with a nice guy..there is light at the end of the tunnel, just keep seeing it. this is not stupid nonsense, don't ever think that about yourself. step by step, day by day, minute by minute you will be successful. dont give up on yourself. sounds like your family was not good to you and that can haunt you whether or not you think it does. please talk to a therapist or maybe the school counselor. med school is tough and you are amazing to take that on.
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