I just don't know what to say rather than I am sick of myself & the continues argument as what to do, what is right what is wrong , shall I end it & how. 5 years ago I choose med school, & the only reason I can think of is that I was used to hide between my books as they was my saviors from a family I couldn't get along with. I honestly remember me comforting myself there will be plenty to read- silly I know! I guess it was the same reason I wanted to study abroad until the fear of not being able to adjust strike. ( perhaps my mother words about me isolating myself & how can others live with me-I doubt if that was a reason because I usually I give hear a deaf ear) it might not be the family rather my personality & the way I react with them. But again I am a popular person out there. My older sister asked me once why I am not the same person in home.
Away from school days where I was an A student. Not only that I was a member, usually a leader in almost all activity in school. the truth is my performance- or perhaps the gut to crave my books decrease in high school, but still I was among the top scorer. Now the real issue is I have no gut to read my books & I am in medical school. at the beginning attending lectures & quick revision at the night of exams was manageable. But now, I not only escape classes but also exams, or I may set to right the exams not aware even with the main objects we are supposed to cover. Do I hate med school ? No, & although it is hard to believe I love it. I love the topics I like the core of humanity & the opportunity to help people it provide. But again I question if it is the right thing- I mean with such low mood most of the time & the popping suicidal thoughts & lack off concentration how can I help others! Maybe it is just a case of loving what I don't have/afford.
Yes it is true that after 5 years I still question my choice, but again when I ever think of transferring to other major I feel it is wrong or if in one of my highs I determine to do it I'll pick something within the medical field.
To start antidepressant or not , to end it or not, to force myself to get up or not, to change major or not! I just don't know what I am suppose to do. & this is simply the way I was 4 years ago & to the very moment I still struggle with such stupid nonsense.
I post the same post in expert form by mistake & if anyone know how to delete it please tell me.
Just wanted to share with you guys. Glad i wrote something:)