How To Respond To Conflicts and Crises? Coping Tips?

[ILADVOCATE]

I think one difficulty we all have especially during mood changes is emotionally reacting to difficult situations. Of course we would not be human if we didn't emotionally react at all. I've found for myself as I've recovered that the best way to deal with an emotional conflict is not to emotionally react. Not to "withdraw feelings" or something abnormal like that but to take the immediate emotional reaction out of it and find a factual, working, constructive solution. As I've dealt with other people such as family and friends who have issues of their own, including the same as I am going through, in describing this technique I use, they found it a positive thing to incorporate into their own lives.
  How do other people handle emotional conflicts and not let them get out of hand? And to not let emotional turmoil take over your life and turn everyday difficulties into a crisis? Obviously, medication and talk therapy are neccessary. But we can't as is sometimes suggested let significant others or friends go on "autopilot" for our decisions when we are not doing well. They are not always around. How can we keep our emotions in check at these times?

[irishwriter]

i also hate the 'irritable' tag on bp and the 'rage' as i don't have either. i would retreat every time rather than have an argument with anyone or just stand there and take it, then go away and cry! no barriers to mean people at all! it is probably an echo of a childhood where raised voices inevitably led to beatings!

[lagatta]

Well it's interesting that you both have (or have had in bulldozer's case) struggles with assertiveness and people pleasing.  I have the impression that the perception of people with bipolar is that they are irrational ragers.  I hate this perception because I don't necessarily think it's true for everyone.  Anyhow, it's interesting to note that we are all women.  I wonder if that has something to do with it.  Women are conditioned to be caregivers and self-sacrificing.  

[ILADVOCATE]

I would suggest neither getting angry nor retreating into hurt. Try and not emotionally react. But express your feelings. Say to her calmly but firmly that she has let you down as a friend and that at this point you don't feel the friendship worth continuing. Then just politely walk away. Let the anger come from her. She will realize she's the one being irrational. That's how I deal with people like that and have.

[irishwriter]

thanks once again for your support. you're right, she prob hasn't given it a second thought. wish i could get angry instead of retreating into hurt. at least i didn't pass that on to my kids. they all want to kill her on my behalf!

[bernie40]

Who needs friends like that?  She obviously doesn't have a clue about BP or she would not have spoken to you that way.  

There are 3 ways of dealing with this, you either ignore it and put it down to her being in a bad mood (still not right though) or you confront her about it (difficult when you're feeling vulnerable).  The third option is to ignore her calls, if she cares she will ask you why you aren't answering her and then you can tell her that she upset you and you don't appreciate being called a liar.

Its hard enough being BP without being around people who bring us down.  Don't let her get to you (easier said than done I know) because I can bet she hasn't given it a second thought.

I'm feeling angry on your behalf here, grrrr,

Big hugs

[irishwriter]

i too would love some tips to deal with conflict. i got a major lecture from a 'friend' nearly two weeks ago where her facts were wrong, she called me a liar and was in general awful and i just took it. i even gave her dinner that evening as i hate ill feeling dragging out. in the meantime i still feel ill when i think of it and i cut a lot more during the week following lecture. i can stand up for other people but never for myself. this woman is a close friend and the only one here who knows about this disease which made the lecture even more upsetting as i had gone to her house because i was feeling so bad to start with. it takes a lot for me to go to anyone for help and to take off the 'happy act'.

[bernie40]

I also have a habit of always seeing the other side of an argument.  Or I can see the reasons behind another person's behaviour towards me.  In other words I will make excuses for the way people treat me at times.  However, there have been situations where i don't do this and then I tend to lose my temper big time.  

I don't let people trample on me though.  I used to but decided one day I was fed up of being taken advantage of for always being "Mrs Nice", so now I think to myself that if they want to stand there forcing their feelings/opinions on me then they can damn well listen to mine to.  I don't back down I agree to disagree.

Personal conflicts, ie, with family and close friends are a different kettle of fish.

[lagatta]

Well you certainly have it together!   I often find that I'm unsure where I stand during conflict.  I have a habit of giving into other people’s needs/agendas (manipulated) because I'm always questioning my viewpoint.  I'm not sure if this is a symptom of bipolar, my temperament, insecurity or upbringing but it's really annoying.  It's easy to be assertive when you know your rights and have boundaries.

[ILADVOCATE]

Well that one was too much my own personal perspective. As I suspected some things that I am taking for other physical conditions are causing a bit of elation of their own. I would say one essential thing is to know your emotional trigger points and what sets them off. As well as other people's and not to approach them. That would be a good one for starters.

[ILADVOCATE]

  I could take up too long a post with how I approach people lol and I don't know whether its ultimately good or bad although it works for me but I find myself ever playing the diplomat. I never lie to people but its what you say and how you say it. If I approach a person in a complimentary manner regardless of whether they are an authority figure or a hostile person acting authoritarian then they are much more likely to accept constructive criticism. I have never lost my cool with an authority figure but when people such as friends or minor acquaintences in my life are playing the role of an authority figure, sometimes due to their own issues and irrationality, although this technique works easily to tone them down there have been times I lost it and told them to knock it off and ruined the whole thing. I'm not perfect and I ever posted that it was at times of grandiosity.
  The ultimate goal of how I approach a person is to get them to realize it for themselves or accept the idea on their own terms even if I have to make a concession. Bludgeoning someone over the head with an idea may make them appear to back down but they never accepted it. I'd say for everyone that being passive aggressive never works. But that's not just a term. We all face that. "Passive" as in helpless and not knowing how to react and "aggressive" as in blowing up and reacting emotionally. I have learned to act assertive at all times but polite as well. The problem is in accepting the role of a negotiator and playing social politics I have to make sure I never manipulate people but I am good at stopping people from manipulating me. The only issue is that in having learned since recovery how to approach people this way at times it seems like a game of chess and can be a little uncomfortable although it works.

[monkeyc]

Well for me I would say not as well as I thought I could...

I am trying to learn some new skills, one of the ones my doctors discussed with me is diversion - changing what you are doing, not fixating on things - if I find myself sitting alone thinking for long periods I have to get up and do something.

Aside from that id love to see some suggestions as well.