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5969990 tn?1377577019

I just need answers

I am 15 years old, just began my sophomore year of high school.
As long as I can remember, I have had problems sleeping. When I was younger I would repeatedly walk around my house and lock all of the windows and doors, I would lock my bedroom door and my bathroom door and shove blankets under my curtains to prevent strangers from peering into my bedroom. I would have my parents sit outside of my room until I fell asleep. This was all when I was 5-10 years old. I would also hallucinate and see floating orbs of energy and ghostly figures around my house. Those have stopped, but I still stay up at night shaking and crying from the noises I hear around the house, I still methodically lock the windows and doors. I cant sleep in the dark. When I was in middle school I was bullied severely and my parents didn't believe me, I was alone. I became extremely depressed, I cut and attempted suicide a countless number of times. Whenever I told my parents about my feelings they would yell at me, call me a freak. So, I stopped telling them things. In 8th grade I stopped cutting because I had gotten arrested and when I showed my mom the 60+ cuts on my hips, she told me I was a disgrace. I have self-diagnosed myself with depression and I have been living with it for 4 years. The paranoia has not stopped, when I am awake, I am terrified. I shake and sweat and cry. When I am asleep, I have horrible nightmares. At this very moment I hear creaking noises and I am panicking. This is every night. I have begun drinking to help myself fall asleep at night. I cant tell my parents this, if I do they will realize that I am not their perfect child. They will ridicule me and degrade me. I get very angry, ive punched holes through walls. Then I break down and cry, I don't know what is wrong with me, but I want to know. I need to know what the cause of this 15 year phobia is. Anything will help. Please. Thank you.
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Avatar universal
See if there are any counselors or therapists at your school.  It's free, and your parents don't have to get involved.  There's clearly a lot going wrong for you right now, and you're going to need help to set things right.

Stop drinking.  Not only do you risk addiction and numerous health problems in the long term if you're using it to try to feel better (liver problems and brain development since you're still a teenager), alcohol actually disrupts your sleep, which is a more immediate problem.  It does help you fall asleep, but it later messes up your deeper sleep stages, giving you poorer quality sleep, which is the last thing you need.  Melatonin is certainly a good place to start--it's a chemical you make naturally that helps regulate your circadian rhythm, and is a mild sedative.  It's also available over the counter, so you don't need anyone's permission to get it.  

Just remember, suicidal thinking, hallucinations, and paranoia are not part of the normal ups and downs of growing up, but they're also treatable.  You may need medication (although the issue is more complicated for those under 18), and you definitely need therapy.  The good news is that it's perfectly possible for things to become normal.  My meds have done wonders for the intrusive thoughts of jumping in front of trucks/trains.  And remember, your parents are not handling this right--it's not just you.  

Hang in there, and keep us posted on how you're doing.
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Avatar universal
Ask your mom who your doctor is, then call that lady and make your own appointment or tell your mom something stupid like you have an ear infection. Tell your doctor everything, and maybe have them explain it toyourparents.My mom was all "medications are bad! Mental diseases are the devil!" Until my doctor explained it wasn't "bad" and lots of people have them.  Also parents think teens are overreacting until a licensed professional tells them otherwise.

Don't drink to sleep it will worsen your paranoia. Buy melatonin at the store and do yoga before bed.  
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Avatar universal
Robbi50n63 had great advice that I can only second. You are not alone.  there are people who love and care about you. Adding drugs and booze to the equation is only going to intensify your symptoms in the long run. Keep asking for help. Don't give up. We believe in you
Helpful - 0
5764859 tn?1400881756
Just read your story and want you to know that it is not going unnoticed and to encourage you to not turn to alcohol as that will only make matters worse and is only a temporary fix and also it is considered a drug and makes for depression. I have a son who cuts, I don't know if he still does now because he is grown and we live miles apart and he has never willed to get the help he needs however, It broke my heart to see the marks and to know this because of course it was a reaction to a stressful event and pain in his life which I won't discuss. Dear please talk to a school counselor or trusted adult and they can lead you from there to get you there. It may be medication that can ease your symptoms of your panic attacks and other symptoms. Just don't turn to drugs or alcohol, that is not the answer and will only lead to a destructive addiction. We here care for you and please keep reaching out to us and keep me posted my heart goes out to you. There is a someone who cares.
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