I suspect that my wife has bipolar disorder...

[LoganX]

Hello all,

This is my first post and first time to ever join a forum like this.  I read through some of the other posts and I feel like I've come to the right place for support and advice.  I'll try to convey my thoughts and apologies if this runs on too long.

I've known my wife for almost 5 years now, married for the last 1.5 years.  Let me start off by saying that she had a rough upbringing... abusive parents at a young age to the point they gave her up to foster care at the age of 14.  I believe her mom suffered from mental illness (I'm guessing bipolar disorder) and there was sexual abuse from a family member involved.  My wife basically raised herself, jumping from foster home to foster home, relying on many of her high school friend's parents to be role models for her.  She had a full time job at a young age, sometime two jobs, while still attending high school and lived on her own by the age of 16.  I knew the general details of her childhood before we got married, so I kinda knew what I was getting myself into.  Love is blind... and I do love her.

She's grown to be a beautiful, intelligent career woman... working her way up the corporate ladder and is now working in a job and company that is very good to her.  We have a blessed life.  No kids yet, but we just bought a new house last summer.  I find that our downward spiral happened around the time we bought the house.  It was a stressful time for both of us, as moving usually can be.  But this time it was different as our arguments started getting more heated and serious to the point where we started drifting away from each other... and by the end of the summer she said she wanted a divorce.  I thought our arguments were normal marriage type arguments.  My main issues being that she was being very self-centered and irrational most of the time, very controlling, and too emotional and sensitive.  During our arguments she would trap me in the house and physically get in my way so I wouldn't leave the room or house,  but also not letting the conversation go until I agreed to her point of view.  I would feel like a trapped rat in a corner.  During these argument I knew things were getting heated and wanted to leave the room or even the house to clear my head, but her trapping me in the house made it even worse that all I could do eventually was get angry.  It would eventually get to a point where she would start crying... sometimes to a point where she would cry and be on her knees with her hands and arms shaking, almost convulsing.  I would try and calm her down but at this point nothing could break her out of this hysteria.  There was even a point where she pulled her own hair out and she didn't even realize it until I later showed her the strands of hair.  When it gets to these times, I'm not even talking about the argument anymore but just trying to calm her down.  It is very scary for me during these moments.  She would eventually calm down... but these arguments usually last 4 hours and are in the early hours of the morning.  It's exhausting.

So after a tense month after mentioning divorce eventually there was one final argument that put her over the edge that she packed her bags and left.  She moved in with her cousin across town, she says now that she was only planning to be gone for a week, but it ended up being a whole month.  I was a wreck.  We went to couples counselling while she was gone in hopes of trying to find some common ground for her to move back home.  During these sessions she was very angry and just complained about me.  I tried to be diplomatic so she would feel comfortable moving back in.  She had a trip planned to Vegas with her best friend during this time too... and she still went on it even though we were going through all this turmoil.  She had even expressed how she didn't want me to go on a trip during this time, but then she still went on one?  It was a strange move that I wasn't impressed with.  After a month she finally moved back in.  But due to this whole ordeal, along with her even lower self esteem, and now the aftermath of friends and family knowing and going through all of this with us... I feel the situation is even worse than before.

We're still on eggshells around each other and have had some of the worst arguments in our relationship. We even had an argument so loud that the neighbours called the cops to check on us.  Most likely because my wife knocked over the knife block in the kitchen and I was yelling for her to calm down.  I've even called the cops myself as she's trapped me in the house and I didn't have any way out.  It's been that bad.  I've noticed a pattern that our arguments are usually after she's had too much to drink at a party or when she's gone out with her girls.  Recently, about a month ago now, she came home tipsy and woke me up just to tell me about her night.  I wasn't impressed with her actions which led to another argument.  One thing led to another and we're in a full blown argument again.  This time she did something she's never done before... she got to a point where she said "I'll show you how much I love you" and she held a knife to her wrist.  I was wanting to call the police but she kept saying "If you call them, I will do it".  I was so scared.  I eventually was able to calm her down enough for her to put down the knife and talk normally to each other.  I've never questioned her love for me... but her mind races to the absolute negative and she starts to have really  negative, self-harming thoughts.  

She's seeing a therapist on her own now since that event.  To help deal with her childhood problems which I think relate to our own marital problems.  We're also back in couples counselling.  And I'm in the process of trying to find a therapist to help me with my own anxiety that has developed from this past year.  But I've been doing some more reading as of late... and before I thought my wife was going through a depression which caused her to act like this... but now I'm thinking it's actually bipolar disorder.  I see her obvious signs of depression, but now after reading about bipolar disorder I see the signs of her mania: She overworks herself and is always wanting to impress and gain approval from her coworkers, When she focuses on a project it's her way or the high way, She escapes her problems by drinking too much and then goes into a depression afterwards, She's been having trouble sleeping but she can  take many or long naps during the day.  My fear is that we're going to waste our time going through all this counselling when there's a chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed first.

I want to bring this up with her but I think I should bring it up gently during our couples counselling session.  She's expressed to me in the past before that she doesn't want to take any drugs for her depression, so taking drugs for bipolar disorder would be out of the question for her (if she even admits that she has it).  Any advice on how I should approach this?  Are these signs of bipolar disorder?  I don't want to go down this divorce road again... but I am at the end of my rope on this.  I don't know how much of this roller coaster ride I can take.  I need help.

If you've gotten this far... thanks for reading.  Thanks in advance for any support on this.  

[persephonedemeter]

Hello, LoganX. I am sorry for both you and your wife for how it is going with what you are describing in your second posting. It is a pretty rough road. I have to say that it's pretty clear you love your wife very much. I can tell that from your posting. I also have to admire you for your thoughts and how you see above the distress of what you and your wife are going through.

I think it is a very wise move that you are seeking solo therapy for yourself. It is pretty hard to love someone and watch the one you love go through such torment. I also can tell that you are going through torment, too. You are also pretty insightful to know what your wife can tolerate and what won"t be helpful or might aggravate the situation, and that there are times when reason doesn't really matter. I also know that there must be times when you are not sure how much more you can take.

It may be helpful to you to contact a local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Health) and/or BDSA (Bipolar Disorder Society Alliance). They are nationwide, and you can look them up on the web. Like AA groups, they have a friends and family support group. There are always people who go to those support groups that are dealing with mental illness for the first time. She may not have bipolar disorder, but you will find in the BDSA group that there are people who have family or friends that are not only bipolar but also have other diagnoses like depression, schizoafffective disorder, dual diagnoses (a mental disorder, illness or syndrome with substance abuse) and even PTSD.  Sometimes, just knowing other people go through the same things and what they did or need to sound out, who are in the same predicament, just reassures you that you are not alone and, unfortunately, there are others going through or have gone through the same thing. It is basically a drop in meeting with no requirements to commit to going to them regularly, and they usually ask for donations but it is not a requirement for attending. If it doesn't suit you, you don't have to stay in the meetings.

Your last paragraph leaves a great impression on me. I cannot help but wonder if you have gone through something like this before. It takes a lot of internal honesty and strength to know that much about yourself and with a willingness to look at yourself "naked" in the eye. Most of the time, it takes years and sometimes, never, to come to that realization.

Just to let you know, my illness took more than a decade and a half to get into control, before I found myself again. I am a much better person than before my mental illness journey and ordeal started. I've been on both sides of the coin...in your shoes and in your wife's. Professionally and personally.  I've lead a very full life...good and bad. Enough to know that it isn't just my way or else, and to know that I am not the only one who knows how things go. I also learned that nothing is set in stone. Things change. There may not be one outcome but many...and surprises can happen.

Hopefully, it won't take something drastic for your wife to surrender herself. I, myself, just got tired of fighting and "treading water" on my own terms. It does feel like a surrender and a humbling experience. Luckily, for me, no one kicked sand in my face when I went down or said "I told you so," or "It's about time." For myself, it came as sorrow for who I was. For my doctor and everyone else, it was a relief that I finally accepted that I needed more help than I thought I could manage for myself. I basically looked at myself honestly, in the mirror and faced every part of me that I didn't like and knew that I couldn't fix by myself. It is a very sobering experience to know how vulnerable you are and identify all the Achilles' heels. Luckily, for me, my strength was that I wasn't afraid to go out on a limb and take risks. Strange to say, but I usually do so when I am in a lucid mind.  What was really great was that I still had the choice and still participated in the decision making process of taking meds, but I was more cooperative. I was still a figher bur by that time, I was fighting my illness trusting others are fighting and backing me up and will be there to dust me off, get me back on my feet and "give me another weapon" to fight on. It still was a rough course for me, because I was unlucky that I was resistant to or had bad side effects to most of the medications....after  I was finally diagnosed right.

Hopefully, that will be all it takes for you wife to feel like the bottom just fell out. For yourself, it will probably feel like the same thing when it happens...very scary. Feeling like your stomach just dropped to the floor. Just make sure you know that you are not facing it alone. Use your support and get her to hers. Then, breathe.

I truly wish you and your wife  well, and I will keep both of you in prayer. I will check into Medhelp from time to time, but, truthfully, my outside life is really calling me recently. I am still very much a part of the world, and I have a lot to do to make my footnote in it. It's been a long time since I felt like I matter and feel true about it. It will be the same for you and your wife. One of the other things I learned was that it is counterproductive to give up on hope. It is the one thing I learned from people facing disaster or even when they are dying that made an impact on my life and pulled me through, even when I wasn't capable of feeling it..Hope also comes in many forms. Often, hope helps to  defines strength of character and dignity.  

Have a very good life and future.  

[LoganX]

Thanks for your comments persephonedemeter.  You hit some of the items on the head there.  My wife has gone to a psychologist on her own where she did bring up her past... her rough upbringing and her mom having bipolar disorder.  Although he did rule out bipolar disorder for my wife he did think she has some degree of depression.  He advised that he could prescribe anti-depressants if she wanted to... but she refused.  I am doubtful that my wife gave the pschologist the full story and I hope he did not misdiagnose her as not having bipolar disorder due to that lack of information.

Like you said, she is the type to want to make her own decisions. Even with proof and background research, I do not think I could ever present a strong enough case for her to agree with me and it would just lead to another argument.  I fear that the only route I have is to wait until something drastic happens again to point it out.  She is attending EMDR therapy to deal with her childhood traumas which I hope helps with our relationship problems.

I myself am seeking solo therapy to help me cope with these stressful times and maybe reveal some inner demons which may be contributing to these arguments.  I try and remind myself that I can only control what I can control... which is me and my actions.  If I know that I am doing all that I can to keep the scenarios level, and these outbursts still happen... then I can be assured that there is something unbalanced.  

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry again. I really need to have breakfast and coffee. I forgot to add that when you narrow down the psychiatrists list with checking with the state board to see if they have had complaints or disciplinary issues and that, at the very least, they are licensed to practice, call their contact number also, just to find out if they are actually taking patients. These days, there are not many taking on more patients, and there is nothing as frustrating as not being able to get an appointment.

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry, another critical typo. I meant no one can be forced to take medication, not even in a hospital setting unless for the above exception.

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry for typos, I don't have my glasses on and I haven't had my coffee. I meant restrained  in hospitals. Also, to clarify, the only other times when anyone got medicated against their consent was when they not only were incapable of making a decision for themselves but lso when they posed imminent danger to themselves and others, and it usually involved sedation in a psychiatric emergency.

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I understand how moving into a house with ownership can be very stressful, but how it is affecting  your wife and your relationship is of great concern, and I know that is an understatement. . Although, there were a few times when I've seen people breakdown on "very small" issues that didn't seem stressful enough to trigger such a response and for a long time.

Almost everyone I know, including myself, do not like the idea of being medicated, especially for a mental disorder. I was pretty upset about the mere mention of medication, that when I was first approached by a concerned friend who thought that my depression wasn't  going to go away with just therapy, "me times,"  comedy and all the good stuff and stress reducing activities out there. She said she thought I needed medication, and I gave her a piece of my mind. However, others approached me and said they couldn't see me suffering, I wasn't re-bounding like I used to,, work seemed more like a chore for me rather than enjoyment, and it was going on for awhile now. Each one of them asked me to just sound it out with a psychiatrist, and to just think about it. I thought aboutfor a couple of weeks and came to the point that I had nothing to lose by seeing one, and then I went to see one. At the time I was in a long, bad depression and there wasn't really any moment when I had any kind of manic episode. I'm also a high achiever and I found a lot of comfort in my work. However, during that time, I couldn't even get in touch with any kind of satisfaction or joy of accomplishment out of my job or life in general. Like your wife, I learned early on to empower myself, be independent and self relying. Initially, there were some rigidity in my viewpoints, but I lived long and hard to get some sense, flexibility and open my mind to the idea that "my way" isn't always the right and best way.

It definitely sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist, and , at the very least, to be assessed and diagnosed. A psychiatrist or anyone, not even in a hospital setting, can they force a person to take medications or even be hospitalized or even reatrained in a hospital unless it satisfies strict guidelines and laws. There is the Psychiatric Patients Bill of Rights which is a bit more detailed than the Patients Bill of Rights. There are also strict laws on privacy and confidentiality, If your wife needs meds, she has to consent to it. So, she need not fear that aspect of seeing a psychiatrist. The only time when I was forced to take a medication was when I was nearly dead, and it was in the emergency room.

Hopefully, she and the psychiatrist will click, but more times than not, it takes a couple times or more to get the one who can work with and be trusted  by your wife and just like the therapist, knows how to treat her effectively. There were times, I could tell by the first few minutes that it wasn't going to work, and then there were times I "gave a probation period." Trust is not easy for me to give.

I wouldn't make it an ultimatum, because it doesn't sound like either one of you really want a divorce as the top resolution on the list. I would put seeking help as top of the list and using all prudent options before ending something that matters.

It may be helpful to shop around for a few that people you know see and feel are competent, check out with the Board, and research through online and make sure they are covered by the insurance. I would do this discreetly, btw. It sounds like your wife likes to determine her own road, so I would just bring up seeing a psychiatrist, stress the point that a consultation may be helpful for her to figure out what is happening, and only she can decide afterwards to take the psychiatristt's recommendations or opinion...so she has nothing to lose but possibly, something to gain. It will also be up to her whether she discloses anything to you, but it would be more helpful to her and you if you got clued in, and after she tries pr has difficulty looking for one, give her the 2 or 3 names you got and leave it to her to call them. You don't have to say you already did the research. I personally wouldn't. i was also terribly suspicious during my depression, and the last thing she needs to feel is a conspiracy or a set up. You may not have to present the list, but if you do present one, after she tried to get a psychiatrist herself, and just say you managed to get some recommendations and here is the list you managed to get, with addresses and phone numbers, of course.

If she wants to reaearch them herself, let her, but more times then not, when I have to deal with executives, especially when they are high up the ladder, they   don't like to research themselves but have others do the work for them. For myself, I have enough clout and reputation for people to just know I don't come up with a list without any backing to them, even during my "not so great"but relatively stable phase of my illness. I also expect resistance, and I prepare myself for that.

A "real" diagnosis can only come with the psychiatrist actually interviewing and seeing her. Right now, from what you wrote, it can be a few things, not only bipolar disorder. I rarely found in my many visits to therapists come up with a diagnosis that fit me, and, honestly, I heard just about everything. IBtw, I also went through the same thing with psychiatrists, and still do when ai got hospitalized, but my present psychiatrist, along with 3 others that I can thin of straight off my head, treat me for bipolar disorder...and there are different kinds and degrees of bipolar disorder and other mental disorders and illnesses. Treatment also varies. A good psychiatrist or any MD, for that matter, should give her options and further explain what would happen for each course, then she gets to consider.

I hope your therapy is going well for you, and that you are getting the support you need. Couples therapy rarely works for me, unless each of us are both in individual therapy. That is what I went through. I had to learn that by experience, and I only use therapy not only for support but for effective guidance for sounding out with a second ear, action, behavior modification, and learning beneficial coping skills. I'm not particularly  fond of psychoanalysis, but I know it is helpful for others, but I am generally a thinker anyway.