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605458 tn?1539228808

Knowing me only between episodes

I'm getting frustrated and defensive. This has happened before. I have met someone I enjoy hanging out with except she has only known me while I have not been in an episode. Just before I met her, I have spent months in a mixed episode. I was having tantrums and my thoughts were complete chaos. But she has only known me when no one would even guess I had a medical disorder. Now she is questioning, in what seems like a certain tone, why I am not working, why I don't go back to nursing, why I am on disbility. I try to explain that I am doing as well as I am because I don't have the added stress of working. I've tried to work and it only worsened my symptoms. And I surrendered my license intentionally after I experienced a manic episode and acted on delusional thoughts. I put myself and my patients in danger. I wanted to be sure that during another manic episode I wouldn't get another nursing job thinking I was OK. Since I have been on disability I have had some very serious episodes with psychotic features, delusional memories, paranoia, and auditory hallucinations, and have been very close to acting on false beliefs. But my friend has not experienced any of this. I'm frustrated and even though I would never do it, I think about not taking my meds so I can go into an episode just to prove myself and justify the way I am living my life.
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Avatar universal
I have intimate friends I have had for at least fifteen years or more.  I was diagnosed about ten years ago. BP11. 90 percent of those friends have remained through the  hardest of times. One I told off, she didn't deserve it, but I cut her off because I thought she was judging me. My own sister, who is a nurse on disability, didn't talk to me for three years because of something I said.  My manics are mainly angry and a tongue that could kill.  I tell people right up front that I have BP11, told pastor when we changed chruches, told new friends at the church. I say, stay on your meds. The real friends will remain.  Some will read up on BP or any mental illness. Some won't.  My sister and I are friends, she is not my closest of friends but we are friends.
Have you tried talk therapy?  Some counselors and psychs have sliding scales to help people be able to afford it.  If you are on disability, don't you have ACCESS?
It is not wise to be off meds.  You seem to be contiplating the idea of suicide?  If you are call 911 and ask for a well check, or go to the emergency room.
If you make the decision to commit suicide, you will have taken away what only God has control over and that is when we die.  You will also miss out on life when it gets good again.
Please know that everyone has a purpose, a uniqueness, worthy of 5 zillion laughs and breaths and at least 5 billion sunsets and sunrises and smelling a rose or gardenia.
Please Penelope push yourself to seek help.
Health and meds to you, zzzmykids
Helpful - 0
899491 tn?1243773627
It took a lot of courage to give up your license like that.
Helpful - 0
1039200 tn?1314912008
ILADVOCATE is right. Your health must come first and you do not have to prove anything. I hope she finds some empathy and understanding of what a difficult time you have had.
Helpful - 0
585414 tn?1288941302
She should not be asking about that aspect of your life. You definitely need to stay on medication as we all do here. Find a way to educate her. Nami friend and family support groups would be good for a start but also tell her about some books or websites about bipolar that can explain it better for her.
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