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1095630 tn?1369939656

Mourning my diagnosis - RAGE

Hi everyone~
has anyone else experienced severe mourning over what BP has done to their lives?  The deterioration of mental function?  As someone who could be classified as a non-denominational evangelical - I am SO PISSED AT GOD!  I've had my meds tweaked, but it's not getting much better.  I've raged, cut, isolated.... I can't continue like this.  If I didn't have my two children, I would end everything immediately. But I truly don't have the option.  Screw my husband and everyone else in my family.

I know this rage can't go on.  Has anyone experienced this and gotten through it?  Please don't say faith - I have no faith in God who allows this to happen.
Best Answer
Avatar universal
All I can say is I have been where you are and probaly will return there again.  But it is bipolar for a reason, you WILL shift out of it.  I too have children and it hurts me to know I am not 100% there emotional at times.  Sometimes i can't get out of bed let alone play with them in the backyard.

However just realize that I am a perfect stranger to you.  Yet I read your post and replied to it because I care.  I see your struggles, sorrows, frustrations and grief in MYSELF.  I don't know about this whole GOD thing, but maybe while we are alive on Earth, Gods sends us tragedy and disease so that we love each other, and take care of each other.

I see in you a mother that is suffering with no will to live except for the LOVE of her children.  That is a pure love, a love that sacrifices your own happiness.  If this so called GOD really IS LOVE.  Then God may be closer than you think.  Maybe God speaks through other people while we are on Earth.  Maybe not....who am I to say.

All I know is that there is no disease that takes away a persons ability to love and be loved.  Not even Bipolar disorder. Now I just have to remember this the next depressive episode I have.  
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1095630 tn?1369939656
How very true is that?!?!  Thinking of someone else and "helping" them can really make me feel better as well.

Saw my psych and we made a plan for adjusting meds.  She also talked with me for a long time about the God thing.  After unsuccessfully trying to convince me that I was wrong for blaming God, she said, "ok, let's say you're right.  Now what?"  And that's exactly the truth, now what?  Wallow in anger and bitterness or learn how to manage BPD.  I know I'll go in and out of the anger phase, but I have to accept what God's allowed for me, and figure out what to do next.

Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment~
Helpful - 0
3236191 tn?1451021479
I have been diagnosed with chronic paranoid schizophrenia and have limited insight into what it's doing to me through reading about it because my self judgement is just practically nonexistent.  I shift back and forth between not caring about it and just being flat out tired of having a psychotic disorder.  Currently I am over caring about it but I feel like I'm shifting back to being tired of it, having recently had a hospital admission because of it.  You will maybe reach the point where you come to terms with it eventually, but this depends on each person as to how quickly they reach this point.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am glad we were able to make a connection.  I consider myself functional at the moment, however only a few weeks ago I was sleeping 12 hours and barely holding it together at work or anywhere else for that matter.  I was in a kinda  mixed episode or agitated depression  I needed clonazepam/seroquel/trazadone to knock me out every night.   I took wellbutrin 150mg for 3 weeks and it poped me out of the depression and now I am still very much manic/restless/insomia/.  Once I felt the depression leave I slowly tappered off the wellbutrin cause its way to stimulating for me.

I actually felt really overwhelmed yesterday about my symptoms, the lack of a good pdoc, med weight gain ect.  So I was reading posts because I felt all alone and scared.  When I read your post the words just spilled out of me without much thought.  I actually felt much better when I wrote to you.  For that short time I was thinking of another persons struggle and not mine.  Then I realized that what I wrote was not my disorder, but the real me that surfaced if only for a while  So I have to say thank-you also for helping me yesterday.

I
Helpful - 0
1095630 tn?1369939656
I am overwhelmed by your insight and compassion.  Your post was hard to read because it was so very TRUE.  Your use of the word 'sorrow' was right on the money.  And your comment regarding my love for my children was gut wrenching.

Now if I can just get to the point of not loathing myself maybe I can find a bit of hope.  One thing I am sure of, is that even though BPD stole the family my girls deserved, I will pull myself together for them.  I'm just so angry that they have to deal with BPD - the reason my marriage was ripped apart - when they just don't deserve it.  And that is why I'm done with the God thing.

Again, thank you so much for your post.  I am moved by your compassion and grateful that you cared enough to act on it.  I hope I can return the favor to someone when I feel better.  Hopefully it won't be you because your remission will go on and on!  Truly, thank you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Of course!!  All diseases have the capacity to shatter a persons faith.  Especially mental illness such as Bipolar disorder.  When I was manic or actually hypomanic I felt euphoric, expansive thinking, and a sense of love and oneness with everyone.  So obviously my feeling was that God was really close to me and the love I felt was Gods presence.  When I hit my first major depressive episode my whole faith was shattered.  Felt like I was living the JOB chapter of the bible.  So I understand your anger especially with the whole GOD thing.  Since then no more euphoric mania only depression with mixed episodes/Anxiety/insomia

I have gone through denial, acceptance, denial, acceptance over and over again.  Then the whole "yes I need meds, no I don't" cycle which is still a current repeating thought.

I mean most peoples sense of self is what they believe in, what career they have, how they feel inside, and how they physically look like to the outside world.

Now I am not saying this IS who we are but we do tend to rely on these factor to create a sense of who we are.

Bipolar disorder can shatter all of this.  I remember saying to my wife that I have lost myself.  I am somewhere hidden deep within all my symptoms waiting to find the key to let me resurface.  For now you do not see me, I'M NOT HERE, only my symptoms remain.

If I listen to my thoughts I would be dead.  So i can't be my thoughts.  I am not my feelings and emotions because they are symptoms of my mania or depression.  The meds made me fat so forget attaching a sense of who I am to my body because it is a result of the MEDs.  Then where am I....  all I can answer is I,m not here.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi I'm the same,I've also got a lot ov rage towards people who I think caused all ov this.i can't seem to admit to myself that I need medication,I know it makes things better but then at the same time I feel like I'm being controlled.i feel like I've lost part ov my personality x
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