Physically & Mentally tired

[tres1965]

I wonder at times why I do the things I say or do. The whole sadness of being what I am, who I am, or when &
I am, some days/nights at times turns inward & then I start all over again. I mean who am I as a person? The things that made me who I am, that terrifies me. I need the feel of life pulsate me, not repulse me. I want so much to have a full-ness strike a flame & light me. I guess I am feeling 'withdrawn' from  life right now. I'm not in any far-ness of dreams torn between justice for broken promises & gone by, but I am sad/depressed tonight. I've been that way for 3 days. I wish they would go away. I deserve to be a better Mother/Daughter...My children should Never be burdened by me. But, I have to face the 'black dog' once again. Somedays are harder than others to put on that darn mask! I'm tired, emotionally drained till' my 'cup runneth over'. I feel like snapping in pieces, but realize that words (rather they be) are no excuse wanting to chase those bad dreams. Guess I'm worth more than I thought eh?
My symptoms are:
loneliness
fear of pain
disillusionment
sleepy but wide awake
just to be right on the ball
Tnx for the patience
My Mother is we'', in all matters.
Oh yeah, saw the files all
anyhow, pls. take give you & get for n address...
Tres

[tres1965]

Thank you for that knowledge & your sharing them with me. I am getting very upset with
this whole thing & I'm not at all comfortable with the way they are going about treating me. My Daughter has Bi-polar issues & ocd. But I think they have her under control with Lamictal 200 mg 2 tx a day. They tried her on Trazidone & she went crazed with symptoms. They'd previously tried all the usual Zoloft, etc..they didn't work either. I digress, anyhow tthe rash has spread to my feet, ankles, knees, thighs. and lowerr arms. I took my dose in the A.M. today, & I am supposed to take 1 tonight??Should I?My face & scalp also itch, but I took Benadryl for the last 3 ddays because of the scratching & I thought it was a cold then. My Doc had put me on Antibiotics for all the sinus problems I thought I had..so I'm confused & still itch! The scary part is that what I thought was a simple thing is not now...The p-doc told me to call tomorrow & see if it was better. She & the neurro. Doc called each other & compared notes. I really respect the 2 DRS. They are working togethert well, That is great & I thank you for that! I ffell 2 x yesterday & I am so very tired, but I can't sstay awake or asleep for a  long period of time. My head also hurts, migraine hurts..don't I whine well? **L**
Please write me if you have time..Tres

[ILADVOCATE]

If you have a rash that comes and goes it may be anxiety. If it stays its a problem. Let your doctors know. If you are on Lamictal tell them right away because of the risk of Stephen's Johnson syndrome. If the Cogentin was raised that's for e.p.s (extra pyramidal side effects) that is temporary movement disorders from an anti-psychotic. If you are taking an anti-psychotic or Tradazaone or ever were both can cause tardive dyskinesia which is permanent and the movements you describe sound more like tardive to me. Don't change anything but ask your psychiatrist about tardive dyskinesia and get a referral to a neurologist who is a movement disorders specialist so they can make sure the movements are temporary and not tardive because tardive can not be reversed and Cogentin will only worsen it. If you have tardive dyskinesia they could change you to Clozaril so there still are options. See a neurologist who is a movement disorders specialist who will diagnose it and then I can tell you more. And of course I've been telling people about the experimental antipsychotic in Phase II FDA study I am on glycine (google "Dr. Javitt, glycine") a new form of antipsychotic,a glutamate antagonist, which cannot cause tardive dyskinesia or diabetes and promotes a fuller recovery and I hope more providers become familiar with it.

[tres1965]

I have been so tired these last few weeks/days, so  I apologize for not answering very quickly.. The good thing is they know it is resulting from blood less..well Duh, I could saved them big $$$..Dear IL, can/could this response be a side effect of the new drug Cogentin? Yesterday they doubled the dose from .5mg to 1.0 mg,   1 in the A.M. 1 at night, the other reason I ask is I am randomally jerking on my left hand, not a lot, but I am catching myself tossing the mouse? My 2nd question is I have been on getting a rash
at random too. It looks like poison ivy rash,
Raised but not itchy? Then their is the TIREDNESS. I am so tired I can't do anything.
I fell twice yesterday. 1 time trying to step-up one step, the other just flaking out?
Any help?

[ILADVOCATE]

  I think its important to see that you experienced depression and came out of it. Figure out the whys and hows so the next time it happens you can get a hold of it more. Perhaps the Mood Tracker they have here would help. Some sleeping pills can create mood changes so do be careful. Lunesta and Rozerem are the only two that can be taken everyday but I've had problems with them creating personality changes so I have to deal with insomnia until they find something safer for me. As for myself its complex because I have recovered from schizoaffective, certainly the psychotic angle but can't say I don't get some minor mood fluctuations from the bipolar angle. But then there is the depression from what they are identifying as tardive psychosis. I know right now my psychiatrist is checking out an online document on "tardive psychotic depression" and so I have two sets of mood changes, one mental and one neurological. Thankfully the Zofran brings both down and the rhodiola is helpful on the tardive conditions in general as well as depression. Strangely enough the depression I experience now is much like that, isolated, cut off, withdrawn from the world. I might experience that anyway being homebound from the physical aspects of the disability but what brings me out of it is reaching out to other people. If I step outside of myself for a second and think of others and can help them in a practical or supportive way then I remind myself that other people do in some concrete way gain meaning from my life. And then when I look at my life with the quality/quantity issue, the quality of it has gone down physically but the quantity of my ability to relate to people in a meaningful way has gone up so overall things are much better.
   Besides getting medication adjusted and talk therapy issues, support groups are good but for every day functioning, any person has people who they bring meaning to their lives and if not they can find some. Then you can remind yourself that they value you. And as for my mother, today was the first day in a long time she didn't go into an agitated mixed state (she probably has cyclothymia) and she's even not on medication yet. I had talked her down from it other times and explained it to her and e-mailed her a Mood Tracker from here. And I thought about it. She just became a senior citizen this year and she just came to terms with the fact that she had bipolar and if I hadn't been around she wouldn't have. And she's certainly better off for it as it can set off high blood pressure and the like in her. So the fact that she was taking tentative and now strong steps in the recovery process could only make me feel better and supportive of her and then depression was an emotion hard for me to focus on.

[creston1966]

tres,

I understand.  I could have written a lot of your post.  It's how I feel a lot of the time.  Hope you are feeling better.  


Creston

[dippy1]

Don't know if this'll help but what you write holds deep wisdom and I for one can sooo relate to so much you have said both in the words and between them xx

[tres1965]

This was supposed to be deleted So sorry! I goofed. *L*--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
just to be right on the ball
Tnx for the patience
My Mother is we'', in all matters.
Oh yeah, saw the files all
anyhow, pls. take give you & get for n address...
Tres
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other words I slept for a few hours though.
YES!
I have re-gained some peace of mind at heart.
I think I've been going to the point of exhaustion.
I have to remember too take care of myself. I know I'm just human *L*
I think my confusion tonight was due to the fact I've not slept very much.
I took Ambien 3 days in a row thinking help, whoa Nellie, it just about set
me off into never-never land..be well! Tres