This story is painful & very recent.
I met a girl, we both had a mutual attraction for each other, we met half a dozen times in an art class that I had been taking. At first I thought I was just nervous around her (because my hands were shaky, I think I was having dissociation prior to this, low grade depression, also I had a heightened sense of awareness, my heart was racing, maybe even my mind) Eventually this all manifested in a severe anxiety attack and that's when I decided to see my doctor.
My psychiatrist, prescribed me Wellbutrin for anxiety, but this is where all hell broke loose: my whole world as I have known, crumbled.
This med shot me SKY HIGH, immediately I started talking nonstop (I'm usually reserved) I started to write a "BOOK," started hallucinating - everything became so vivid and colorful, I think I was delusional by that point, because I had never felt euphoria in my entire life (I have always suffered a chronic depression) Naturally, I was like "Damn this feels great! This must be LOVE!" It didn't stop there, that level of high, kept getting higher and higher and higher ... until I lost all sense of reality.
I had this girl's number, I did call in this spell of euphoric grandiosity, instead of getting to know her in the normal sense, it was entirely one sided, I couldn't stop talking. Somehow she must have really liked me, she agreed to go on the date. Except by that point, the euphoria had worn off, I think I must've been suicidal and having multiple panic attacks when we met at the park. I was also freaking out, seeing "shadows" I was crying.. a grown man crying.. what a disaster. The date ended horribly, I had a total mental break down, I lost all boundaries, I might have spewed a lot of negativity. She was very concerned, she tried to help me.
Once I was back to my apt, I got paranoid, locked myself in my room and I stayed there for a couple months writing this "book" -- the whole time I was hallucinating, seeing things crawling on walls, believing in my fortune cookies, that things were happening "for a reason," I made all these connections and associations that boggled my mind.. it was the craziest feeling... my mind was racing. I also felt a ghostly presence in my room and somebody was talking to me and I wrote it all down, I documented it all. I went insane in my room & I have a full record of the incident. I wrote ~1800 pages of craziness.
At the same time, I started texting all sorts of people -- but mainly this girl I had met.. I sent her about ~20,000 words of text in a 3 month period. Somehow she said it was okay to send her these texts??? I kept texting like a madman... Most of it was harmless, I was writing poetic rhymes and such, maybe even professing my love for her? Mostly it was just me talking to myself... the whole conversation is so screwy and I have a record of all of it.. there are literally pages of text... Normally I'd send a 5 word text, or none at all, this was completely out of character! but I believed that I was writing a "book" through the texts...
At some point I kept swinging up and down - literally every hour I was completely unstable, no ground... I felt like a dozen different people. The moods were crazy. (this was my first psychotic episode, and diagnosis with BP I)
This gal did recognize I was having a major problem. She kept repeating "I think you need meds, a mood stabilizer perhaps? A good doctor, therapist?" she was so nice and caring, except I was so delusional and had no sense of reality.. I completely lost it. I was at the point where I had forgotten who I was, to make matters worse I didn't listen to any of her advice, or any advice from my family and friends who were all very concerned. I thought my doctor was trying to kill me, I didn't trust anybody.
This episode lasted 5 months total... Somehow I stabilized to a degree, just enough that a trusted friend convinced me to go see another doctor. This is after I started having multiple panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and worse. I don't know how I survived, the lows were horrible. I literally fought off trying to kill myself the entire period.
This is the problem (my gal friend who tried to help me that whole period, she tried to console me) Except, at the end when I thought I finally had a grasp back on reality.. I may have said some stupid inconsiderate thing to her... (I was still delusional and probably irritable) She ended up hating me at the end or probably given up that I'll remain crazy forever. When I tried to explain that the things I had said were not based in reality... that I had been delusional.. and that it all hit like a brick afterwards... I think she was insulted. I was still delusional when I said these things... I did not have any tact or sense of rationality until after I'd been on lamictal for over a month now..
It's so embarrassing... I did fall in love with her, in the completely wrong way! In a completely one sided way. I had to force myself to "fall out of love" because the way in which I fell in love was so blatantly false. I hate manic love, because it's UNREAL but it's REAL, and it hurts just the same... what a disaster. I had to break my own heart and hers in the process, now I feel horrible about the whole ordeal. She hates me now, that or I'm too crazy to be around and has moved on. Damn this episode... I did such stupid things... I wish I had got to know her! This is horrible. I feel terrible now.
The last part of the story: she told me "DON'T TEXT ME! I WILL IGNORE THEM!" I hate bipolar impulsive behavior... should I wait a month or two and email her? I wasn't my self! This *****. Should I try to contact her? After I've recovered? I hate this mental illness, but I guess I finally have an answer for my chronic depression. FINALLY!