This story is painful & very recent.
I met a girl, we both had a mutual attraction for each other, we met half a dozen times in an art class that I had been taking. At first I thought I was just nervous around her (because my hands were shaky, I think I was having dissociation prior to this, low grade depression, also I had a heightened sense of awareness, my heart was racing, maybe even my mind) Eventually this all manifested in a severe anxiety attack and that's when I decided to see my doctor.
My psychiatrist, prescribed me Wellbutrin for anxiety, but this is where all hell broke loose: my whole world as I have known, crumbled.
This med shot me SKY HIGH, immediately I started talking nonstop (I'm usually reserved) I started to write a "BOOK," started hallucinating - everything became so vivid and colorful, I think I was delusional by that point, because I had never felt euphoria in my entire life (I have always suffered a chronic depression) Naturally, I was like "Damn this feels great! This must be LOVE!" It didn't stop there, that level of high, kept getting higher and higher and higher ... until I lost all sense of reality.
I had this girl's number, I did call in this spell of euphoric grandiosity, instead of getting to know her in the normal sense, it was entirely one sided, I couldn't stop talking. Somehow she must have really liked me, she agreed to go on the date. Except by that point, the euphoria had worn off, I think I must've been suicidal and having multiple panic attacks when we met at the park. I was also freaking out, seeing "shadows" I was crying.. a grown man crying.. what a disaster. The date ended horribly, I had a total mental break down, I lost all boundaries, I might have spewed a lot of negativity. She was very concerned, she tried to help me.
Once I was back to my apt, I got paranoid, locked myself in my room and I stayed there for a couple months writing this "book" -- the whole time I was hallucinating, seeing things crawling on walls, believing in my fortune cookies, that things were happening "for a reason," I made all these connections and associations that boggled my mind.. it was the craziest feeling... my mind was racing. I also felt a ghostly presence in my room and somebody was talking to me and I wrote it all down, I documented it all. I went insane in my room & I have a full record of the incident. I wrote ~1800 pages of craziness.
At the same time, I started texting all sorts of people -- but mainly this girl I had met.. I sent her about ~20,000 words of text in a 3 month period. Somehow she said it was okay to send her these texts??? I kept texting like a madman... Most of it was harmless, I was writing poetic rhymes and such, maybe even professing my love for her? Mostly it was just me talking to myself... the whole conversation is so screwy and I have a record of all of it.. there are literally pages of text... Normally I'd send a 5 word text, or none at all, this was completely out of character! but I believed that I was writing a "book" through the texts...
At some point I kept swinging up and down - literally every hour I was completely unstable, no ground... I felt like a dozen different people. The moods were crazy. (this was my first psychotic episode, and diagnosis with BP I)
This gal did recognize I was having a major problem. She kept repeating "I think you need meds, a mood stabilizer perhaps? A good doctor, therapist?" she was so nice and caring, except I was so delusional and had no sense of reality.. I completely lost it. I was at the point where I had forgotten who I was, to make matters worse I didn't listen to any of her advice, or any advice from my family and friends who were all very concerned. I thought my doctor was trying to kill me, I didn't trust anybody.
This episode lasted 5 months total... Somehow I stabilized to a degree, just enough that a trusted friend convinced me to go see another doctor. This is after I started having multiple panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and worse. I don't know how I survived, the lows were horrible. I literally fought off trying to kill myself the entire period.
This is the problem (my gal friend who tried to help me that whole period, she tried to console me) Except, at the end when I thought I finally had a grasp back on reality.. I may have said some stupid inconsiderate thing to her... (I was still delusional and probably irritable) She ended up hating me at the end or probably given up that I'll remain crazy forever. When I tried to explain that the things I had said were not based in reality... that I had been delusional.. and that it all hit like a brick afterwards... I think she was insulted. I was still delusional when I said these things... I did not have any tact or sense of rationality until after I'd been on lamictal for over a month now..
It's so embarrassing... I did fall in love with her, in the completely wrong way! In a completely one sided way. I had to force myself to "fall out of love" because the way in which I fell in love was so blatantly false. I hate manic love, because it's UNREAL but it's REAL, and it hurts just the same... what a disaster. I had to break my own heart and hers in the process, now I feel horrible about the whole ordeal. She hates me now, that or I'm too crazy to be around and has moved on. Damn this episode... I did such stupid things... I wish I had got to know her! This is horrible. I feel terrible now.
The last part of the story: she told me "DON'T TEXT ME! I WILL IGNORE THEM!" I hate bipolar impulsive behavior... should I wait a month or two and email her? I wasn't my self! This *****. Should I try to contact her? After I've recovered? I hate this mental illness, but I guess I finally have an answer for my chronic depression. FINALLY!
Anyway, how did I deal with those I love and who love me, friends, and neighbors? I focused on getting more stable, found as many forms of support and accountability as I could, and truly worked with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to change my MO and perceptions of myself and the world I live in. The only way I have been able to make my neighbors not fear me, because I do think I scared some people, is to live in stability for awhile and prove through my actions that I am doing better. Nobody blames me for being a maniac, but they seem to have loosened up, as I was not crazy for enough times of talking to them. Now, neighbors share stories of other bipolar friends and how they empathize with me. I just tell them, if I am acting crazy, call my family or ask me to leave, politely.
One thing I struggle with a lot is obsessive thinking. For example, I can totally see myself fixating on that gal you met, sometimes it's the government, sometimes religion or science, but I have had to learn to see when I am acting manic and giving something more value than it deserves. Focusing on healing and balance in myself seems to be the best way for me to have healthy relationships, which has been hard for me all my life. I change all the time, even without a severe episode. My changes make it hard for people to get to know me. Am I an introvert or extrovert? Am I intelligent or ignorant? Am a creative or a drone? The answer is, YES. I can be extremely optimistic or pessimistic, outgoing or withdrawn, my recovery has been me practicing at knowing the state i am in and responding appropriately. I have a plan for mania and depression, those plans are shared with hose who love me, so they know when to tell me to go hide or recognize my state of mind.
I used to only make decisions in a stable state, or as stable a state as I am ever in, and also in mania. Now, I have learned that the mania decision making is likely worse than in depression. I don't make any major plans nor decisions in mania or depression. I use other people to decide if I am in a stable state or not, as I cannot see myself a lot of times. Like right now, I am hypo manic, have been for a few months. I am making sure to get enough rest, even if I can't sleep, I lay there and meditate. I have learned a great deal about myself and seem to be able to not go psychotic, so far. My wife told my daughter last night, "You need to give your dad some space, he is manic and feeling inspired, just let him express it." She also reminded me that I have to eat and rest to maintain this level of energy and inspiration.
So, it sounds like you had an SSRI induced episode of mania. This may not be a bad thing, especially with an entire life of depression. It is important to learn how not to go psychotic though, I hate feeling psychotic, it's so intense. I would avoid Wellbutrin. My doctor said, "No way YOU are taking Wellbutrin, it has been proven to cause mania and potential psychosis in bipolar 1." I think it is very important to learn about any med, before you ever take it. It is also important to get a solid diagnosis, from more than one person, unless you totally trust one doctor. Use some of your mania to educate yourself at crazymeds.us. That is a good web site to learn about all the meds that are prescribed for the mentally interesting.
I would focus on therapy and finding your own balance and coping skills, girls will come, girls will go, but your brain will follow you everywhere you go. As you find inner peace, or at least acceptance, then all the other pieces of life will fall into place. Focusing on a girl as your path to peace or freedom is not likely going to help you nor win the girl.