Self-Harm

[hjwm24]

Hi - I was diagnosed with bipolar about three months ago by my psychiatrist and the therapist.  Prior to that I was treated for OCD and depression.  I think it took so long because everyone listened when I said I was sad but I felt like no one heard when I said I just got soo angry.  It also was hard to diagnose because I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth about my manic phases - cutting, rage, stealing, spending, multiple sexual partners, talking to fast and too much, forgetfulness and lack of sleep.  Once I did - treatment could begin.  

My problem is, I feel like I am getting worse.  I think it is mainly due to the psycho therapy.  I am unleashing feelings and memories I kept boxed up for so long.  So, I feel like I am cycling more rapidly and then there is the cutting.  It helps snap me back to reality during a period of mania.  I feel like it is out of control.  On the weekend I took a razor and just started slashing my leg - over and over. No control just slashing.  What stopped me was seeing myself in the mirror - I looked deranged.  Seeing the room devestated me.  There was blood on the floor, on the wall.  I just sat in in the shower and cried.  Any suggestions?

[hjwm24]

Thank you so much.  This is my first time joining an online support group and it has already made me feel less alone.  I appreciate the advice so much.  I have not been able to share the full depth of my mania with anyone but my husband.  I cannot bear to tell my parents and everyone else is out of the question.  And deep down there are secrets that I think I am literally trying to cut out.

But, thank you.  Today I feel less alone.

[trstbrown]

Have you mentioned to the doctor about the cutting and manic cycling? I've been there and can understand how the relived memories can cause you to want to cut but cutting isn't the answer. It's no more than an addiction that you'll end up regretting. Talk to your doctor. See about medication, use other coping skills. I hope you find a better solution than a bloody one.

[ILADVOCATE]

  Yes. At this point in time it would be essential to discuss this with your psychiatrist. Also if you are engaging in any behavior that could be harmful to yourself such as cutting they need to know so they can follow up. If aspects of talk therapy are creating emotional distress which in some ways is worsening things it would crucial to discuss that with them as well. It might help to ask about cognitive behavioral therapy or dbt therapy as that can be helpful for this type of concern in addition to talk therapy and medication and they could see if that might be of help.