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TRIGGER WARNING. 'But am i really Bipolar?' (Sorry last one accidentally posted)

Hi, firstly Ive never posted on any kind of forum before so unsure as to what I'm really doing here!! (clearly)

I'm a 27 yr old female who has just had the most ridiculous few weeks. I went in to a psych appointment which ive never done before , in my head it was only to talk about my brother who is suffering severe alcohol addiction and my struggles with that.

I should mention i feel totally okay now, well a bit confused but okay.

The past month I fell into an unbearable hole that I couldn't get out of. I felt their was no point in killing myself because i was already so dead to the world. I felt like i was to weak to even do that. All of my past failures kept coming up and just going on and on. My brain couldn't stop thinking all these terrible things.
I hate to say but this hasn't been the first time this has happened. (this dark place) Ive had a few times over my lifetime that have had daydreams of watching myself run through a busy highway and getting hit by a car as an e.g. They are almost comforting.
This past one has been particularly bad though and now that i am living with housemates i know they have had enough and are unsure as to how to act around me because im been a mess. I just couldn't stop crying.
One day I was roaming the house feeling like i was dead and i needed to find something to hold onto, The part that is scaring me the most is i was in the bathroom and i thought i could hear my housemates at home. I came out to find no-one had been home at all. I found this ring and gave it to my housemate when he got home. At the time it felt like the only sane way to reach out to someone for help 'I found your ring'.
I felt so in amongst my brain that their was no end.

Im concerned what i experienced was some form of psychosis.

Then i went to work the other day, and when i left just kind of felt like i woke up. I was quite dazed and just saw the sunny skies and realised that my life isn't that bad. But i also was tremendously confused as to how I had just been in such a deep dark place. I looked back at the drawings and paintings i had done one day (before the ring experience) and they may as well have been drawn by a stranger. So dark and miserable that i all of a sudden couldn't relate too.

Anyway, Im sorry about the lengthiness of this.
In other times in the past years i have had moments, sometimes upwards to a month of almost spiritual happiness. Usually exercising a lot, eating well, making plans for the future, continually adding goals to my lists upon lists.
The only problem is these times are my most productive, and I've read a lot about people having adverse consequences to their manic/hypomanic times.
Other times though i might end up partying for far to long in a row and completely wearing myself out, i know the consequences of that.

But i mean can there be two sides to your hypomania or what not?
One being 'i will be healthy, i will do a wellness plan, i will exercise and run 60 k a week and then i will enrol back in uni etc.et.etc...
Two being ' I will be so so social and drink , an who cares about anything and i HAVE to be the last person up, and yes i will have some more.'

I went back to the psychologist a second time and just felt exhausted but really really twitchy at the same time.

I had kept a journal for the past year and after i just 'woke up' from this crippling month i decided to look for patterns. And boy do i see patterns. I wrote down every day and words that jumped out to me. And holy ****.
I suddenly realised this has not only been going on this yer but my whole life of this ******* 'do my goals do my goals do my goals and then BAM your not good enough , you fail at life etc etc etc repeat'

I will also say that i am in a LOT of debt , and i wish i could say it was from something useful. But realistically i convinced myself at the time whole heartedly that these items would 'help' me in some way.

Ive been on this constant path of trying to fix myself for years but I've been looking at the wrong things. the amount of times I've tried eliminating things from my diet to see if that changes my mood is UNTHINKABLE.
(just kidding i think about it ALL THE ******* TIME)

Im just so ANGRY at myself
so FRUSTRATED as to who I've become now.
oh sigh.

help me.

for those that actually read this whole thing i ******* love you.
seriously ! ah I ACTUALLY DO.

Life is starting to make sense, and its ******* terrifying.

1 Responses
1551327 tn?1514045867
Well I did read the whole thing and I am going to go back and reread the whole thing again.  I just woke up not too long ago myself and started reflecting on this last episode of depression.
You likely did have a psychotic episode but that is what happens sometimes in the transition from depression to hypomania or mania.  
There are patterns to this and although I might warn that overanalyzing the patterns can in itself drive you nuts, I would never say it is not helpful.  Just be careful that you don't "miss the forest for the trees"
Being angry at yourself is useless.  You created this person for a reason and you can opt out anytime you wish.  Not by taking your life but in fact changing it, or changing your perception of it.
I'm not sure if you like music or not but I am guessing you do.  A couple of songs came to my mind while I was reading your post.  One of them was a Pearl Jam song named "Given to Fly."
In the song it basically talks about a man who runs and gets as far as he can from his life and learns to fly---
However, upon learning this, he decides to come back down to Earth and share the knowledge he has gained.
You will fly in mania and hypomania and you can keep the energy to yourself or spend/ share it with others.  You have done this before and will likely do it again if you are like me.
Either way the energy will go away.  If you save it all for yourself it will build up until you become so disconnected that guilt and loneliness will eat you alive.  If you share it than you may become jealous or resentful towards those you share it with once it is gone and they are still doing fine while you are in depression.
The key, my friend, is to find a balance between the two of them.  I could explain more but I am not sure what or who you tend to spend your energy on.
The other song is by John Lennon and it is named "Watching the Wheels."
You are at the hub of your own wheel which is your life and you created it.  Some outside circumstances had a hand it as well along with some outside forces but you could say that you created it.  When a person stops and reflects on life they notice the wheel.
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