This is new...

[run4you]

I have a bipolar diagnosis. I'm currently on Lamictal 150mg/day...

I am due for another psychiatry visit (and believe me, I am scheduling it tomorrow!).

I have had hypomanic episodes - just more energy, excessive spending, constant calling, talking, blahblahblah...

Right now I am experiencing something I have never encountered, and I don't know anyone with bipolar IRL, so I'm hoping someone here can help.

I feel out of control... I can't put my finger on what's going on. I cry at the drop of a hat - everything makes me cry. I have the symptoms of depression - nothing will ever be right, etc. (just to clarify - I am NOT suicidal).

BUT... My husband pointed out that I am MEAN... My temper is NUTS. I am snapping at nothing. Which I thought was depression, but my anxiety level is INSANE, too! I couldn't sleep (major manic indicator for me) - but while I was dreaming up these plans on going back to school and getting another degree (something I've been really excited about these last few weeks... that my husband is also not excited about with my other issues right now)... a car passed by our house. And for some reason, it sounded like it was going fast, and I had a panic attack. I mean, terrified that this car was going too fast and *something* awful was going to happen. I have completely gone off on people that I'm not even that close to... I doubt that they will forgive me. And now, every night, this same darn thing happens. I have NO way to gauge their speed - I am a very logical person - and this is not rational or logical.

I haven't ever felt like this before. I'm scared... this is completely bizarre. I don't want to be this person.

Every time I get on a med, it seems to work for a while, then fail. The Lamictal had been working so well, but now?

I didn't even realize how bad the anxiety/stress was until my husband ended up yelling at me in the middle of McDonalds this past weekend because I was freaking out about my son's toy...

Please help. Am I doing something wrong? Is this something that just happens? My last psych told me that bipolar progresses... is this just another fun step? Does this even make sense?

[moonpanda]

In my mixed and manic episodes, my irritability shoots through the roof. It's quite terrifying, and I too get very mean. I get overwhelmed by rage with the smallest irritations, and it has been really hard on the people in my life, because they often become the targets for my misplaced and irrational aggression. I've even attempted to physically fight a stranger on the street who said something to me that crossed me the wrong way. I was raging out on autopilot, but it must have looked so crazy and weird that the scuzzy dude ran across the busy street to get away from me, an otherwise normal young person on her way to a university exam who flipped out without any real provocation. People on the street walk too slowly, and I can barely contain my anger as I dig my nails into my hands with clenched fists. The bus comes late and I want to smash something. I've been called "crazy" and a "maniac" several times by people close to me because they are so baffled as to why I'm being so irrational and scary. I know that this irritability and anger is episodic because my normal temperament is quite respectful and reserved (or at least, when I do get upset, I can control and contain myself and it's a reasonable response to something upsetting; I don't need to break everything within my reach or scream obscenities, and I can rationally express myself). I get so, so embarrassed and ashamed when I think back on how I acted. I really feel like a different person, completely and entirely out of control, when this stuff happens. It's terrible.

Lamictal actually helped me a bit with this, so hopefully it won't be such a big issue for me in the future (with a little anger management therapy as well, I expect). Aaah, I get all bothered just thinking about it. I need to go cuddle my cat and remember that I'm not a terrible hulk all the time.

[gailrussell]

"My husband pointed out that I am MEAN... My temper is NUTS. I am snapping at nothing. I feel out of control... I can't put my finger on what's going on. I cry at the drop of a hat - everything makes me cry. I have the symptoms of depression - nothing will ever be right."

I just recently was dx 2 weeks ago, and could also have written what you wrote word for word, as far as being MEAN and snapping at every little thing that annoyed me. On edge and unable to feel relaxed.  I would be sitting at the computer playing a game, and would start crying for no reason a tall.  Then I would get into such a deep depression that I would not want to even walk outside to get my mail, because it would mean risking having to talk to someone.  I had been put on Lamictal, but it made me have a rash. Am on Seroquel now.  I wish you good luck in finding the med that will work for you. Hang in there, and realize you have a lot of people here that are in the same boat you are in, and we will understand when you want to vent, scream or cry.  I am so glad I found this place where I can do that.  

  

[TriPolar17]

What are you on now?

[shay69]

p.s.The intrusive thoughts are treatable yes. I get those also Good luck.

[shay69]

Thats how I am while having a mixed episode except I get suicidal and what to self harm. I get overwhelmed buy all the emotions. Also My panic attacks get worse during these episodes. Thats why I always sought help for my anxiety.

[run4you]

My pdoc agreed with the mixed state. I also got OCD tacked onto my list of issues, and she was really asking about the night that was horrible... not sure what she thought of that, but it's also the first time I've admitted several things. She thinks the panic attacks and OCD is tied in the the mood instability, so we're treating the bipolar and thinking the other 2 will resolve as a result...

She doesn't think the Lamictal is doing what it's supposed to, so we're doing Abilify - with 100mg of Lamictal. We're going to start with a low dose of Abilify and work up as necessary...

Fingers crossed this helps.

Thank you so much for your help. I was so scared, and had no idea what was going on. I am starting my research into these things... so I may have more questions later. But I am so grateful to everyone for the help and just understanding :)

[Seph1212]

What you describe sounds to me like a mixed state...depressed and [hypo]manic at the same time. Being both at the same time is hell, and from experience I can empathize.

150 mg of Lamictal sounds like low dose to me. Ask you doctor. I've gone up to 300 mg, and my doctor said in some cases she prescribes up to 400 mg. Are you on any antidepressants? Including St. John's Wort! These can exasperate things. Also maybe Lamictal isn't the drug for you. Maybe Lamictal plus another mood stabilizer, or a different mood stabilizer altogether. Again, ask your doctor.

[TriPolar17]

You will feel so much better when you discover what bi polar really is (not just the symptoms)
You will find that its common. Please also look up PTSD talk to your doctor openly. If you dont feel like you can. Get another doctor. You have but one life to live. It doesn't make sense to live it uncomfortable in your own skin. I have been there. . . I feel for you. . .  educating your self is the best thing you can do for your self. And please try not to worry. Your going to be okay. . .
Keep posting on this site . . we are here for you. . .

[run4you]

Is there any treatment for intrusive thoughts? I looked it up, and that is exactly what is going on that is new and scary. I have had weird thoughts before that are in the same category, but not so bizarre, and my last psychiatrist (before we moved to another state) seemed to blow them off...

It looks like it goes with OCD - but I don't think I've ever had an OCD dx. Can it be a bipolar thing alone?

I have never really researched bipolar - just last year I went to a psychiatrist only after a neurologist I loved told me I really needed to... I had avoided the diagnosis since college, trying to convince myself I guess that it was just depression... because bipolar seemed so much worse - depression is so socially accepted now I felt safe with that.

[TriPolar17]

I am on oxycarbazepine 450 mg per day. I still need some thing to sleep so I take trazidon. It works great. I dont feel sleepy in the morning. Its very important for bi polar people to sleep.
oxycarbazepine is working well for me and I like that its safer for my liver.  

[TriPolar17]

Hello- I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am bi-polar. I have PTSD. I have had the exact same creepy feelings and intrusive thoughts that you are having. Here is what will help you. Make a short list of things that you want to share with your doctor. (sum it up)
Write it on paper and read it off to the doctor. That way you are able to say what you want to in a controled manner. Often times trying to describe these things that happen with us can be overwhelming. Then educate your self about your condition. The more I know about bi-polar or ptsd the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. Because then I can separate my self from the disorder. then I can find the balance that makes me where I need to be... keep posting
its good to have some way to express your self to some one who understands you.
There are a lot of people here who do.    

[run4you]

@boohoo631 - We are going through some very similar things...

I, too, have two young kids. I'm snappy and short, and not the mommy I usually am.

The best way I can describe what I'm feeling is that I know what I'm thinking isn't normal (or even possible- the things I've been scared of, thought, etc) - but it doesn't stop me from panicking about any of it. I have had more panic attacks in the last week than I've had since college (when I was diagnosed, it was really bad).

I think I'm manic, but I'm not sure. I've never felt like this. I stayed up forever a few nights ago, terrified because I wasn't me, and thinking that I would get worse and be the opposite of me. I looked in the mirror and it wasn't me (it was, but I didn't even think it looked like me... impossible to explain). I am doing much better today, and my thoughts seem to be calming a little. I'm still really emotional, but they're not flipping like they were. I feel a little more 'me' than I was when I posted that (that night was the really bad one).

I don't know what to think. I considered going to a hospital that night, I felt so crazy, but the only thing I could think of was how much my family needed me, that there's no way I could possibly be gone for even a day, etc.

I was not out of touch with reality - I knew (at a few points) that the things I was thinking weren't possible... it's like part of me knew the other part wasn't right.

I don't even know how much to tell my psychiatrist. I am embarrassed of the things that went through my head the other night that I truly believed were going to happen... so much that I didn't go to sleep because I had to make sure they wouldn't. I know, I should be honest... but it is so hard for me in this arena :(

Thank you so much... I'm sorry this is a vent. I just joined this board, and I'm on here complaining. I plan on hanging around and paying it forward... I need a support network so bad.

[boohoo631]

I don't have much advice to offer, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I could've written your post, word for word. I was just diagnosed a few days ago, though I've suspected it for a long time. My psych. is starting me out on oxycarbazepine...only 75 mg, since I've never been on meds before, she wants to start out slowly. Doesn't seem to be doing anything for my mood swings. Yesterday I was full of rage & every little thing would set me off. Today, I feel okay...but a little on edge. Everything & I mean everything makes me cry. I was so jumpy when I was riding in the car with my husband. I felt like we were almost hit several times. This is sooo frustrating. I have 2 small children who scream, yell, fight with each other...normal kid stuff, but I have no patience. I hate this roller coaster. Good luck to you...I hope you find something that works. I will say, my mom & sister are both bipolar & have been on Lamictal. It made them both extremely irritable & mean. My sister said she even through a chair through a window while she was on it. It may work well for some...but not in my family apparently.

[run4you]

@ILADVOCATE - thanks, that is a very helpful link... I couldn't get in to see my psychiatrist until next Wednesday, so I have plenty of time to research.

@sodapop - I have no idea what's going on, so there's no way for me to explain it :P I feel crazy... I loved Topamax - but it made my hands and feet completely numb (FUN! - until you try to pick stuff up or drive).

@evanescence345 - I have decided at this point my mind is not my friend. I don't trust myself right now... at all! EEK!

Thanks so much... nobody understands bipolar at all in my family/friends. They try to be supportive, but sometimes I feel so out of control and not me, and I run the risk of messing things up like I always do. It means a lot to find a place just to come and know that other people at least get how hard it is...

[evanescence345]

Just another fun layer of your mind ...

[sodapop915]

ok i really did"nt get ur question but u do hav something going on their sis girl those r the signs just relax take the meds sweetie ask 4 topmax 100mg

[ILADVOCATE]

Sometimes a medication appears to work for a while then stops functioning. That can happen. Lamictal can also at times worsen mania. Hard to say what's going on. But I do know I've been on many mood stabilizers for a while and then they just stopped functioning and I had to change over to another one and this has happenned repeatedly.For other people I know they were on the same mood stabilizer for life so it depends. Anyway this is a list of mood stabilizers that you could discuss with your psychiatrist as regards available options:
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/moodstabilizers.htm