Aa
Tormented
OK...I know I run the risk of this post getting deleted, but this is really the only place I can post/say my thoughts where there is a chance someone will understand. Also let me be clear, i have no intent to act. My thoughts are close enough where i can touch them with my fingers tips but I have no desire to grab them.
Over the last 20 years there have been many times when I've felt and acted on ways to end my days. the pain of life was more than I felt i could bare. Those moments have always taken place in a depressed state. the one thing that has kept me from crossing the line - no atter how truly badly i wanted to and it would only take a moment to cross the line - was the thoughts of my boys. Having witnessed my mom go through the same thing, I do not want to give the boys the idea that it's an acceptable solution.
However, something happened this week that triggered me into a truly angery manic state - the anger has been something new over the last few months. As i sit here livid the thought occurs to me that I've lost. I can not beat this and can barely control it. the end of me is not a sanction to say it's OK, but more of a warning to say this is what happen's if you don't seek help earlier. Maybe it serves more as a warning than a blessing to follow in my steps. After years of not being able to get past saying to the boys "this isn't ok", it seems to feel better that I can say "this is what happens when you've lost control - get help early and don't follow me".
I truly am just dying inside today and this week. in my head, heart and soul i am just screaming for peace knowing i will not find any. Yes i know the standard responses of seek help through a doc or therapist, but those have never worked for me. I feel sa though there is no one that gets and everyone wants to jsut ignore it that is around me. it is easier to see me and pretend I am "normal" than to understand the pain. besides, there is nothing they could do to resolve it any way.
I just remain tormented as the world around me slowly eats at me and maddens me.
Over the last 20 years there have been many times when I've felt and acted on ways to end my days. the pain of life was more than I felt i could bare. Those moments have always taken place in a depressed state. the one thing that has kept me from crossing the line - no atter how truly badly i wanted to and it would only take a moment to cross the line - was the thoughts of my boys. Having witnessed my mom go through the same thing, I do not want to give the boys the idea that it's an acceptable solution.
However, something happened this week that triggered me into a truly angery manic state - the anger has been something new over the last few months. As i sit here livid the thought occurs to me that I've lost. I can not beat this and can barely control it. the end of me is not a sanction to say it's OK, but more of a warning to say this is what happen's if you don't seek help earlier. Maybe it serves more as a warning than a blessing to follow in my steps. After years of not being able to get past saying to the boys "this isn't ok", it seems to feel better that I can say "this is what happens when you've lost control - get help early and don't follow me".
I truly am just dying inside today and this week. in my head, heart and soul i am just screaming for peace knowing i will not find any. Yes i know the standard responses of seek help through a doc or therapist, but those have never worked for me. I feel sa though there is no one that gets and everyone wants to jsut ignore it that is around me. it is easier to see me and pretend I am "normal" than to understand the pain. besides, there is nothing they could do to resolve it any way.
I just remain tormented as the world around me slowly eats at me and maddens me.
As the old saying goes fall of the horse get right back on. what it really sounds like that we are the ones that really put that saying to good use. I as a mother also can understand where you are coming from. Even when you have a house full of people that love and adore you at the depressed moment it just doesn't matter any more. Inside you are tearing up yourself hating that you were put in this world. I know that since july 4 of last year i had a alergic reaction the the lithium they put me on and it literally made me stop breathing. Well the oh so not so wonderful exhusband took and twisted it in his favor, saying that i am not a good enough mother to my daughter. I get her 2 weekends a month, for what because i did what the psychiatrist told me to do?
All i wanted was to be stable so that my daughter could see me as a great mom and not look at me like i have lost my freaking mind again. I so want my daughter to love the real me, not this person who's emotions are unpredictable on a daily basis.
But despite the problems that i have i still climb back on that really tall horse and continue to do the best i can.
I know that when your depressed it's like there isn't a single light at the end of the pit. but like run4you said at least we can count on the fact that our moods will change eventually. I hope you know that your not alone! We all suffer as you do! I believe that we all can help each other better than a DR. can.
Hang in there! And i will hang in there with you:)
All i wanted was to be stable so that my daughter could see me as a great mom and not look at me like i have lost my freaking mind again. I so want my daughter to love the real me, not this person who's emotions are unpredictable on a daily basis.
But despite the problems that i have i still climb back on that really tall horse and continue to do the best i can.
I know that when your depressed it's like there isn't a single light at the end of the pit. but like run4you said at least we can count on the fact that our moods will change eventually. I hope you know that your not alone! We all suffer as you do! I believe that we all can help each other better than a DR. can.
Hang in there! And i will hang in there with you:)
I go through phases where I feel like you do - like it's a cruel joke that I can't be like others...
You know, I think most people here give the response 'talk to a dr/therapist' with the knowledge that it's our best solution. If only it worked every time, none of us would ever have to post here, frustrated that, yet again, the 'standard response' didn't work. I hate having to move up appointments, tinker with medications, change medications... It's a constant point/counterpoint neverending battle.
And, like you, I hate, hate, hate my children witnessing me at anything less than perfect. But you know, they learn because they see me trying. There are important things to be learned from watching someone pick themselves up again and again. Like you, I refuse to give up. And I hope that in life, my kids do the same.
The one thing you can count on with bipolar is you can't count on it staying the same. You haven't lost the war - just a battle. I lose those sometimes, too. Overall, though, I think I'm coming out ahead. And I get angry about the whole deal sometimes, too. It's not fair. And you're entitled to that. Get mad. Break some dishes in your garage (after the kids go to bed, LOL). Blast music in your car alone. Do what you need to do to get it out.
You're not alone. Just realizing that has made a world of difference for me. (Maybe it's a sign that I see nothing in your post that would necessitate it being deleted, lol).
If you ever need to vent to someone and you don't feel comfortable posting it here, PM me. I may not have answers, but I at least understand.
You know, I think most people here give the response 'talk to a dr/therapist' with the knowledge that it's our best solution. If only it worked every time, none of us would ever have to post here, frustrated that, yet again, the 'standard response' didn't work. I hate having to move up appointments, tinker with medications, change medications... It's a constant point/counterpoint neverending battle.
And, like you, I hate, hate, hate my children witnessing me at anything less than perfect. But you know, they learn because they see me trying. There are important things to be learned from watching someone pick themselves up again and again. Like you, I refuse to give up. And I hope that in life, my kids do the same.
The one thing you can count on with bipolar is you can't count on it staying the same. You haven't lost the war - just a battle. I lose those sometimes, too. Overall, though, I think I'm coming out ahead. And I get angry about the whole deal sometimes, too. It's not fair. And you're entitled to that. Get mad. Break some dishes in your garage (after the kids go to bed, LOL). Blast music in your car alone. Do what you need to do to get it out.
You're not alone. Just realizing that has made a world of difference for me. (Maybe it's a sign that I see nothing in your post that would necessitate it being deleted, lol).
If you ever need to vent to someone and you don't feel comfortable posting it here, PM me. I may not have answers, but I at least understand.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Bipolar Disorder Community
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Discover the common symptoms of and treatment options for depression.
We've got five strategies to foster happiness in your everyday life.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
