An agitated mixed state was very common for me before recovery. Now when the Clonidine patch wears off I do experience some rapid cycling but its minor. And there is a fair amount of dysphoria but the cause may be other than psychiatric. Despite my recovery as regards psychosis there are some mood changes here and there but that is being treated as well. Without the neurological disruptions I am probably as close to normal as I've been in my life but naturally recovered doesn't mean cured but normal is a hard to define term as well.
Mania to me is like never being able to sit still or be quiet. It's like this inner need to just always be moving or talking. The words feel like they're building up in your chest if you don't say them, and after awhile it all just comes out either really fast or really loud. The volume of my voice changes, and usually it gets louder and louder until I'm speaking pretty much as loud as I can without yelling without realizing it. If I don't move it just builds up and up. Usually I'll have my leg bouncing up and down and my fingers tapping to some random song in my head. Everything is brighter and more colourful, which astounds me because when I'm not manic I have trouble seeing some colours, but when I am everything seems so clear. Everything takes on some weird form of beauty, the sky, the trees, language, music, art. The bad side of it all though, is I spend all my money on random things. I have random stupid sex. I buy trips to far away places without telling anyone where I'm going. I speed, I swear, I'm rude, and I think I'm entitled to everything and am always right.
When I'm depressed everything is dark and morbid, and I never leave my bed simply because I don't have the energy or motivation to do so. Everything seems like such a chore, including just being alive. Each breath seems feels like there's a massive weight on my chest and it feels like there's a cold hand squeezing my heart. All I can think about is death, and how close it is, but I never have the energy to really act or plan anything.
A mixed episode is like a dangerous combination of the two for me. All the energy and impulsiveness of mania with every bit of depression. Everytime I have ever tried to hurt or kill myself has been when I felt like that.
Mania/hypomania for me lasts 2days-a month for me. Rarely longer, never really shorter, lots of times somewhere in between.
Depression lasts months, shortest ones are a week, longest one I've had was over a year.
Mixed for me has never lasted longer than a few days.
I do have to say on average I'm a lot more depressed than anything else, but for the past 2 or so months I've been able to somehow stay out of them for too long.
And fortunately I do thing I feel normal sometimes. On those days where I can wake up and just be me, with no hint of depressiveness and no fidgeting and talking too much. Those are the days I live for.
Uh well half the time I would feel so depressed I couldn't move sometimes and the other half of the time I would be hyper and erratic and volatile. Either time during either I felt anger and hatred and disgust which I was told is a part of depression so I guess I was depressed all the time. I don't think the other half classifies as mania because I never experienced any high or elevated mood at all. Sometimes I would feel bizarre emotions that I don't think most people without mental illness experience and I can't describe save for one which felt like my skin had been ripped off but emotionally.
Well, when I have hypomania I feel like my insides are trying to crawl out of my skin. My heart feels like it is racing, I have rapid thoughts (sometimes repetative, sometimes not,) I feel like I need to pace and pace up and down. I have difficulty doing things like spelling or dialing phone numbers. I am very irritable and snappy for no reason. I get easily frustrated. Sometimes I'll have a lot of motivation to do things but I can't concentrate so even though I keep being motivated to do things I only spend a few minutes on them. I can't read along article in the news, etc. Or I will start cleaning but I'll jump from project to project with no direction. I just feel like I'm racing, but the funny thing is that although I feel like I'm racing I'm usually very tired at the same time. I also have pressured speech. I just can't seem to stop talking. Sometimes I have insomnia, but not always.
Then there is the depression. I cry a lot, especially when I'm alone. I have repetative thoughts. I feel frozen on the inside. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be isolated and alone. I just feel like I get pulled inward. I have varing degrees of depression, in the past it has been very sever, trying to sleep away the day and not showering, etc. Recently it is not as sever, and I'm greatful for that.
Then there are times when I am mixed. I am irritable, isolating, crying, racing and not racing all at once. I can't really explain it. I have to watch myself because I do have suicidal thoughts and self harm, and although I can have them whenever, it seems it is these times that I am in the most danger. I have to be so careful.
My hypomania lasts usually between 1-7 days as far as I can tell. My depression tends to be 1-14 days when not sever and then there have been times when it lasts for months. That's why I'm doing the mood tracker to give to my doctor.