What do I do here?

[monkeyc]

I am lost right now, I have no idea what to do so I am truly open to suggestions.  My depression has not lifted since my father in law's death its gotten worse steadily, I guess its grief for him and some from my mothers death because it made that loss feel very recent again and grief at the way my marriage has headed.

My wife is sitting in the lounge crying, im sitting in my office trying to work out what to do now.  For the first time ever I am thinking about leaving.  Its not her fault, its mine - yes she knows that I am having a bad day and when I get like this I have a lot of anger I cannot control but no matter how hard she tries she cannot surpress the one major irritating behavior she has - her need to try and talk me around to her point of view by talking me into the ground and ignoring what I am saying - normally this is irritating but today its explosive because my head hurts so much I do not know what to say, I dont want to be argued with or convinced I just want to be alone.

18 months of speaking to her therapist and reading and still no learning it seems, I know i am to blame, I know I get so angry and I cannot control the way I snap and yell at her, yes I love her but I am hurting here, I am hurting a lot of people it seems right now.

What do I do here?  What do you do?  I am at a loss, I truly do not feel hospital is the answer : for one thing it would seriously damage my job at a very bad time for that to happen and I think it would damage me as well - I dont want that, im fighting that.

Drugs are not working - the AD is a mess (any suggestions other than Remeron or SSRI's would be great) and they have caused me to put on weight and my diverticulitis is back.

I could really use some suggestions or advice right now because I do not know what to do, I cannot live like this much longer and something has got to give.

[manicmary]

I know how difficult bipolar is in a marriage.  Marriage without bipolar is really hard too.  You and your wife have to talk about what you and what you just cannot do at this time in your illness.  You have to letter her know what your needs are. I have three non medication suggestions.  

The first one is simple yoga.  It gives you the quiet time, meditation, deep breathing and stretching your body needs.  You can ask your wife to join you or atleast give you one uninterupted hour twice a week to take care of just you.  My second suggestion developing a plan for each day.  Your expectations for yourself minimal day, okay day and good day.  I have had to have plans that were as simple as getting out of bed and brushing my teeth.  Depression is so tough and personally defeating.  My third suggesting is to use your mood tracker.  You may be having bad day after bad day, but it helps to put it all into perspective.

[horselover65]

You sound pretty desperate, so I hope that you have been able to speak with your wife. I have to have time alone and the fact is that although it is poor timing for her, the situation with her family has apparently been very hard on you as well. I was not here when that was happening, but my personal experience has been that any loss will bring up memories of my most meaningful loss - and that can caused a marked deterioration in my ability to cope.

This may sound odd, but my husband has been resistant to "marriage counselling", but when the psychiatrist suggested "family therapy", it was a different story altogether. Perhaps a little twist in the wording might help bring her around, too?

Please hang in there. I hope you can talk to your psychiatrist about medications and also a therapist about your present situation - soon. It's Monday in Australia now, right?

[BeeKeeper]

Monkeyc - you have also been very helpful to me - and my wife when she has posted here.  As I read this, every word you said would be the same coming from me.  I am facing the exact same trials and depression only a daily - if not hourly - basis some times.  Many times my wife has suggested hopitalization when I reach this point - and for the same reasons as you, i can't afford to do that.

I too am struggling with this in out marriage - what I should because I'm tired of hurting her and others.  My thoughts of leaving have nothing to do with not loving her or our family.  So many times I have thought about just renting an apartment where I have a place to escape when in this state.

I can tell you - like others - you need to try and find some way to breath right now.  I know this isn't wasy in the place you are at...believe me I have been there so many times.  On thing that helps me is to just go for a drive, to give me soime time to settle/think, and to her some time to do the same without me there pushing back.

The medications i'm on are cymbalta, lamictal, trazadone and ambien.

The other thing I would suggest is to get yourself your own therapoist/counselor.  This was extremely tough for me to do or to give in too - and I really don't use it to the advantage I know I could because I don't tell them everything.  However, I do tell them enough to at least have someone to talk to - to talk things out with.  My best advice would be to find someone you can talk to friend.  I'm sure, from the advice you have given me, you know you can't do this on your own.

This is a long road we're on remiond yourself that you don't have to have the answers today.  Remind yourself of the reasons you should not do anything rash.  Take a long drive...go out and get a coffee or something.  Give yourself some distance and don't forget to breath...but also find someone in person to talk to and talk to your health care provider about the medication.  Use the tracker to monitor your swings so you can identify any patterns.

Above all...just hang in there...we won't leave you alone here...don't isolate us or your wife.  We will get each other through this.

[LeftCoastChick]

You have always been so insightful, and you've helped me with your posts. My pdoc told me sometimes meds might not work after a while, and sometimes you have to try a different cocktail. I've tried most of the SSRI's, and they have actually made it worse at times.  Have you thought about adding a mood stabilizer like Lamactil, don't worry about that rare rash warning, if you are put on it slowly you won't have issues. I have severe reflux disease so that's something I have to consider when taking meds.  Like I posted before, when you get stable, get some counselling, meds are only part of your stability.
If you can't tell your wife what you are feeling, write it, draw it - do jello sculpting, just something to let her in on what's going on. You are a strong person.  Do you have insurance. I would suggest going into hospital if you can, it's not that bad. I went in, and at first, I was thinking, what am I doing here? I'm finally feeling better.. there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can do it, hugs Jane

[monkeyc]

I think the one thing I know is I am not leaving my wife.  I love her and I don't run from things - never have really which is a good and bad character trait to have but its mine.

I think couples counselling is the answer to some of the relationship issues - my private psychologist does it a lot and she is willing to do it for us but its getting us both in a room and my wife is being somewhat resistant I thing - therese is right in the dealing with a lot right now and I feel I am adding to that - I have to get myself sorted.

In the morning I am going to call my clinical psychologist at the hospital and see if it can get in to see my old pdoc - I truly hate doing it because of various reasons not least of which is an ability to commit me if she fears I will harm myself but I have no options as I need off these drugs, I think the depression is ripping me apart here, I dont have manic energy which is a good sign but im crushed by this pain in my head and my heart.

Sigh.  One easy day.  Id kill for that right now.

[tres1965]

Hi there.
I just go do a quick p-doc  when I feel the need to answer my inquiries.Though I do post so often that I worry that I am a pain?
Take the best of care my friend! Tres