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607502 tn?1288247540

What do I do here?

I am lost right now, I have no idea what to do so I am truly open to suggestions.  My depression has not lifted since my father in law's death its gotten worse steadily, I guess its grief for him and some from my mothers death because it made that loss feel very recent again and grief at the way my marriage has headed.

My wife is sitting in the lounge crying, im sitting in my office trying to work out what to do now.  For the first time ever I am thinking about leaving.  Its not her fault, its mine - yes she knows that I am having a bad day and when I get like this I have a lot of anger I cannot control but no matter how hard she tries she cannot surpress the one major irritating behavior she has - her need to try and talk me around to her point of view by talking me into the ground and ignoring what I am saying - normally this is irritating but today its explosive because my head hurts so much I do not know what to say, I dont want to be argued with or convinced I just want to be alone.

18 months of speaking to her therapist and reading and still no learning it seems, I know i am to blame, I know I get so angry and I cannot control the way I snap and yell at her, yes I love her but I am hurting here, I am hurting a lot of people it seems right now.

What do I do here?  What do you do?  I am at a loss, I truly do not feel hospital is the answer : for one thing it would seriously damage my job at a very bad time for that to happen and I think it would damage me as well - I dont want that, im fighting that.

Drugs are not working - the AD is a mess (any suggestions other than Remeron or SSRI's would be great) and they have caused me to put on weight and my diverticulitis is back.

I could really use some suggestions or advice right now because I do not know what to do, I cannot live like this much longer and something has got to give.
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Avatar universal
Remember your wife just lost her father and it would be very unfair to leave her now.

Just stay calm.  Repeat yourself clamly.  "I want you to leave me alone right now please"

You should get into couple counselling and the counsellor will tell her to "listen" to what you are saying.  To respect your request to be alone at times etc..  She will take more notice if someone else tells her.

It is a very uneven field when you are in a relationship and you have an illness, because the other person can write off anything you say as being a symptom.  I find this most unfair.  Like she always has the upper hand because she has a 'healthier mind'  my husband thinks this too, in an argument he will say i'm being 'irrational'.......grr........I get soooooooooo  f -ing mad......LOL have a sense of humour.

There are new anti depressants coming along , Valdoxan, which increases deep sleep and helps with depression in a different way.  I have a feeling this will help people with bipolar without making them manic.

I have psychotic depression, Remeron and Wellbutrin were hopeless for me, I mean they did nothing - but cymbalta works brilliantly.  But I will be taking Valdoxan in the spring when it comes out here in Austria.
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Avatar universal
Hi

I know i've suggested a spell in hospital to you through PMs, but if you feel this would be a backward step then I fully understand your reluctance, all I shall say on that subject is keep it there as an option.

Trying to cope with grief and relationship problems is hard enough and even harder when you are BP.  Are you able to see your therapist on a more regular basis whilst you are feeling this way?  It may also be worth considering that the mirtazapine may in fact also be making you feel worse - I reacted to citalopram this way and became more depressed and angry.  I know they are different types of meds but it is certainly worth looking into.  I can feel your frustration regarding not getting into see your psych and as much as you feel like you are beating your head against a brick wall, ring everyday damn day until you get that appointment through.

I agree with what the others say about trying to get through to your wife that you need some alone time.  This may sound a bit twee, but have you thought about writing it down like a letter for her to explain exactly how you are feeling, that it is in no way her fault and that you are scared of damaging the relationship further which is why you need to be left alone.  I imagine that she is probably blaming herself (as we all do) and is feeling helpless as well as coping with her own grief of losing her dad.  Relationship counselling sounds like a good idea but perhaps not until you are feeling stronger emotionally.

I'm glad you put this out onto the open forum, you give so much to everyone on here and take very little back.  Giving everyone a chance to help support you is good for you as you are a much valued member of this community and we all want to support you as best we can.

I'm still here for you as always, and you know I will continue to PM you.  Take care and for once be kind to yourself, you are definitely NOT a selfish guy but the complete opposite.

(((hugs)))
Helpful - 0
585414 tn?1288941302
Yes Wellbutrin is the least likely of all anti-depressents when used in bipolar to push a person into a manic state but its still a possibility. But I agree it makes the most sense.
Helpful - 0
607502 tn?1288247540
First of all thanks you all for your thoughts and for the kind words - this site never ceases to amaze me with how wiling people are to help when you need it.

Drugs : From what we can tell mood stabiliser is working fine, I have been stable on 1250mg Lithium for over 12 months and it works well for me

The problem started when my wifes father was dying and her family were ripping at each other like wild dogs the doctors put me on Mirtazapine (Avanza in AU and Remeron in the US) and its not been a fun ride really.  I resisted an Anti Depressant for a very long time as I have had bad experiences in the past with them.

From what I am told MAO drugs are not used much anymore here - they are too touchy and dangerous and the potential side effects outweigh the benefits - My pdoc wont use them at all. I am very worried to take an SSRI due to my last ride on Prozac (suicide attempt) but may have to go that way.

Wellbutrin is prescribed here mainly for smoking cessation but I may be able to move to it my pdoc told me, its my preference as the SNRI drugs appears safer than Tricyclics and SSRI's for bipolars based on reading.

The Remeron is causing weight gain and it appears stomach problems (My diverticulitis symptoms have returned less than a year after a fairly big resection) but coming off an AD isnt easy and ive been trying to get into see my pdoc for a month now with no luck ( he has been sick himself) and finding another one.. it took me 6 months to find a slot with this one.

Couples counselling was something I pushed for 6 months and it was always too hard or no time or etc etc : my fathr in law took 18 months to die and our lives ran on hold that whole time and members who were around when he was dying might remember the ride i took then - I know there are deep problems in my marriage due to the family situation and theyre not easily fixed, there are other things as well - My wife is infertile and my illness has killed adoption which is another thing to deal with.

My worry is that I am crossing the line from being angry into being abusive and I do not want that - I cannot control the feelings I am getting of anger and depression and the lack of any desire to do much grows - im finding it hard to get out of bed and I do not see a point to life right now.  This all terrifies me because my last depressive episode lasted nearly 3 years and cost me my career and almost my life.

I am terrified basically.

hospital sounds so nice but the price is so big I think I would have to be right on the edge to do it - the damage it would do to everything I have worked for..  Incalculable.

just4shanell you put your finger right on it - thats my wife to a T - she does feel shut out and helpless and watching someone go through this is hell, I know she loves me but she likes to get her own way - we have had times where I have literally had to pick her up and move her to get away - she stands in the door or my office and keeps talking until I just panic and have to get away before I hurt her - my brain locks up.  I am about the least violent person around and yet...

Its the anger that i hate, I dont have a hair trigger I have no trigger, it just comes screaming out of me at the slightest touch.

Maybe i just need a few days away on my own?  How do you tell your wife that?
Helpful - 0
403156 tn?1290150018
I think couples counseling could be beneficial. You have both been seeing your own therapists, I think seeing one together might be helpful in having an unbiased mediator to help sort through your issues. It is never just one person's fault and you cannot place all of the blame on yourself. I have a problem with "snapping" when I become upset and I have learned to just say nothing, walk out the door and take a long walk to clear my head or even a car ride.

You didn't mention whether you have tried a mood stabilizer such as Lamictal. There are so many different options out there besides ADs.
Helpful - 0
505907 tn?1258369340
   Yah, what she said! I don't mean to sound cruel or uncaring. You are a bright star on this forum. I would vote for you as a leader without a thought. I just think we all need more than tea and sympathy some times. I also like to think we are talking about real world issues not just seeing a nirvana life through our B.P. eyes. What are your real options? If your wife is driving you crazy then leave the house. The voices in your head are enough for you to be dealing with. But DO tell her you care and you just need to sort things out. We care about you. Be careful.
Helpful - 0
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