What do I do here?

[monkeyc]

I am lost right now, I have no idea what to do so I am truly open to suggestions.  My depression has not lifted since my father in law's death its gotten worse steadily, I guess its grief for him and some from my mothers death because it made that loss feel very recent again and grief at the way my marriage has headed.

My wife is sitting in the lounge crying, im sitting in my office trying to work out what to do now.  For the first time ever I am thinking about leaving.  Its not her fault, its mine - yes she knows that I am having a bad day and when I get like this I have a lot of anger I cannot control but no matter how hard she tries she cannot surpress the one major irritating behavior she has - her need to try and talk me around to her point of view by talking me into the ground and ignoring what I am saying - normally this is irritating but today its explosive because my head hurts so much I do not know what to say, I dont want to be argued with or convinced I just want to be alone.

18 months of speaking to her therapist and reading and still no learning it seems, I know i am to blame, I know I get so angry and I cannot control the way I snap and yell at her, yes I love her but I am hurting here, I am hurting a lot of people it seems right now.

What do I do here?  What do you do?  I am at a loss, I truly do not feel hospital is the answer : for one thing it would seriously damage my job at a very bad time for that to happen and I think it would damage me as well - I dont want that, im fighting that.

Drugs are not working - the AD is a mess (any suggestions other than Remeron or SSRI's would be great) and they have caused me to put on weight and my diverticulitis is back.

I could really use some suggestions or advice right now because I do not know what to do, I cannot live like this much longer and something has got to give.

[ILADVOCATE]

I would suggest relationship counseling and as for medications you haven't tried:
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/moodstabilizers.htm
I know you've seen this list before but there's a whole site around it.
As I've said to people I tried 30 mood stabilizers before one worked. If your psychiatrist isn't up on new and innovative treatments that are approved medications but used off label then you should obtain a consult to a mood disorders specialist.
I know I've said the same for many people but the concept does work. I could look for sites for other medications as well but unlike the glycine I take all of these medications could be prescribed. Some are used off label just because they are less known. I just wouldn't reccomend one above another. Everyone's biochemistry is different.

[jst4shanell]

O.k., just take a deep breath and know that we have all felt the same way you are feeling right now.  Having a bad fight in your relationship has a way of making everything in life feel so out of control.  You just want to run away and not deal with any of it.  Men don't like to hash things out as much as women.  Your wife sounds passive aggressive, which confuses people very easily.  I know this because i'm a pro at passive aggression.  It's easy to turn things around on someone without them even knowing it.  She probably feels really shut out right now too considering your so depressed.  Thats hard on a loved one.  Both of you want to feel in control.  My suggestion is to go in there and say that you don't want to talk or argue right  at the moment because you are feeling really horrible.  Then tell her that you love her to death.  We want to feel appreciated.  I know it's hard for you right now because of the depression.  It's very consuming.  You really need your wifes support and you can tell her that too.  It's easy to get angry and yell in the heat of the moment because you don't feel like you are being heard.  Not saying it's o.k. but it is a pretty normal reaction.  Don't beat yourself up.  You are going through enough as it is.  Try not to be your own worst critic.  Easier said than done.
You sound so depressed and I really wish I could  just say something that will take that away.  Just hang in there and try to talk to your pdoc immediately.  I lost my dad and brother in the same year.  It was the worst experience of my life.  The depression was literally heartbreaking.  I will never completely get over it and that was 12 years ago.  When someone I know dies it brings back that whole flood of emotions.  Then add the depression with it and it could be a recipe for disaster.  If you feel you are not ready to go to a hospital, then don't'.  It sounds like it will just complicate your life more financially.  Putting on weight isn't the best for the self esteem either.  Remeron is notorious for weight gain.  Wellbutrin helps me a lot.  Actually it has made all the difference in the world.  It causes weight loss as well.  Just a suggestion.  I know men find this kind of weird but I also do yoga.  I got my partner into it and he loves it.  It makes me feel like i'm on some amazing drugs or something.  It's that seretonin. Maybe you should go to your own therapist instead of hers.  Sounds like it's not really working.  You really gave it a go though.  It's not like you are not making an effort.  That should be recognized.
I hope you start feeling better soon.  You can always talk to me.  Sometimes just talking and getting it off your chest in therapy in itself.  Don't do anything stupid like give up.  Things always get better.  It's just a matter of time.

[LetaB]

  As often as you've been feeling that you'd like to be alone I question whether your marriage was ever a viable way to go. Would you mind me saying that I think you justify your behavior at times by saying that you're bipolar and that's how you're wired? The next step we need to try to take, after aknowledging a weakness, is to attempt to change our behavior. My B.P. tells me to go on a shopping binge - I won't say I never do (and of course it helps there are few opportunities for me) but almost every time I recognize that this impulse is not in my best interest and I resist it. Your wife should understand that you need some time to cool off. Does getting away help you? If you were to drive away for a couple of hours would that help?
  Maybe it's because we are both female but I can't help seeing your wife's point of view. Did she know of your B.P. before you wed? Did she know it would be like this?

[azalea82]

What are your current meds?
Have you previously tried an MAOI?