What is the best way to manage the risky behaviors of my hypomanic husband?

[Lost76]

I have a five-month old daughter with my husband and love of my life.  My husband who has periodically had a propensity to drink too much, was watching my daughter all day about a month ago, and I came home to him so drunk he was incoherent.  It obviously sparked an incredible argument and I was angry with him for days.

Ever since then, he acts as if he doesn’t care about my daughter or me.  He shows up several hours late without calling and sometimes he doesn’t come home at all.  He meets my hurt and disbelief with scorn, disdain, and complete apathy and I have never seen him so selfish and narcissistic.  My heart is breaking for my family.  I can’t even reconcile how my storybook marriage has turned so wrong in the matter of only a few weeks.  

In addition to all of this, he is carrying on a nonstop, compulsive barrage of text messages with his boss’s secretary (500 in a week).  He has told me that she’s unattractive and lives in another city, so she’s “safe,” and refuses to stop.  She’s also compulsively participating (getting the much-craved attention from a man she has no idea is ill) even knowing that he’s married and has a young infant at home.  Now I fear that his new job could also have severe consequences if he stops the behavior (which I hope he does) and she goes after him for sexual harassment.

His parents gave me a psychological report that he had from about 10 years ago that described him as hypomanic, I looked it up and couldn’t believe what I was reading.  It’s him.  We went to therapy last week and the therapist has requested to see us individually, but I don’t know what’s next.  He said in therapy that “he doesn’t know if he wants to want to make it work.”

What should I do?  Leave him for his inappropriate behavior and lies?  Wait until this hypomanic state passes and he comes to his senses?  Love him more and try to get through to him that he needs help?  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because the last five years of marriage have been joyous and filled with love and he’s been the picture of a perfect husband.  I’m so lost and sad and I have no idea how to help him get through this while still keeping whole for my daughter.

Please help with any advice.  This is all so new.

[Lost76]

Thank you so much for your kind responses.  Rest assured, he is not left alone with my girl.  I really believe we can get through anything, EXCEPT if he puts my daughter in jeopardy or if he continues to lie.  The problem is, how long do I wait for him to snap out of it?  How long do I allow him to look adoringly into my eyes when I know that he's lying to me?  I am so afraid he's throwing everything we have away and I feel powerless.  

Also, he believes that I am crazy.  I spoke with my doctor about all of the anxiety I am going through and he prescribed me Xanax and my husband is accusing me of doing drugs now because of it?!  He told me that he told his friend (I think this other woman) that he's afraid of me stabbing him in the middle of the night...there is no basis for this and I can't tell if he really believes it or if it's just part of the web of lies that he's weaving to make me look like the one who needs help.  But, when I seek help from the doctor, he mocks me and calls me crazy.  So now he's slandering the mother of his daughter?  Who is this man?  

This is a hell on earth I could never have imagined living in, yet I'm still holding out hope that he'll snap out of this phase.  Does that happen?  Does it just go away as quickly as it came?  I am reassured that he says he'll go to a doctor, but I don't know if he's lying about that, too.

I truly appreciate the suport from all three of you and I will certainly take all of the words to heart.  He's supposed to go to a therapist tomorrow who I believe will recommend a psychiatrist.  I keep telling myself to just wait for a week to let the therapist do her job, but I just can't take him starting arguments and lying to me and pretending that everything is OK.

[Xila31]

Well, I must say that no matter where your marriage is going you need to not leave the baby with him any more if he is going to drink himself out like that. It is for the very safety of your daughter's life. Too many accidents can happen when the only adult in charge is drunk.

I'm sorry this has happened to your family. They say that after a baby is born a man goes through an emotional change, too. Our society tends to ignore the husband when it happens, or men are taught that their emotions don't matter as much. Since you say that this happened only a few weeks ago, I would say that something that happened has triggered his episode. Maybe it was the baby, maybe it was work. You also say he recently got a new job. New baby, new job, and that's a lot of stress for a bipolar person right there. Is this your first baby?

Anyway, it sounds like he was untreated for a while and you had no idea he'd had an episode before. So, he must have felt cured. But, now it is time to be serious. Hopefully with treatment he comes out of it for you. Bipolar episodes can really mess up your whole life. Good luck.

[Princessdaniella]

You are the best person to guess whether or not Your husband is going to change and whether he is just going through a phase or not.
I guess the sad fact in life is people change and it happens quickly and sometimes it is so hard to understand that it leaves people feeling frustrated
and let down.
I can not begin to imagine the pain You are feeling at the moment and the mixed feelings and emotions, the confusion and I am really "sorry" You have to go through this.
It is not fair on either You nor your daughter and you do deserve better.
I think when someone is in one of these states there is not much You can do other than look out for your own self and your daughter. No one can tell you whether or not to leave and whether to stay only you can make that choice but if it is a suggestion you want still, I would leave him but in saying that I would not expect it to be easy. Not permanetly just go and get a break
take my daughter and that way he knows what it is like to be away from you and you get a break and time to clear your head, and think, and breathe.
Thinking of you

[ILADVOCATE]

Some of what is going on sounds like it could potentially be bipolar but only a psychiatrist could provide an exact diagnosis but it would be well worth it for him to seek help and if he isn't able to understand this for people (not just yourself) to encourage him to. That said within a marriage, especially if someone's behavior impacts on a child's emotional health there are certain boundaries and responsibilities expected and that has to be considered regardless of where it is coming from.